Masterpiece strokes

She had me look only at the top left of the painting, which was blue, and try to tell her what it might all be of. Since it was sky, I said that, but it could have been sky for anything- a ball game, a house, a scene out of a book, and just the corner told me nothing. I admitted that only seeing the corner was not enough information for me to guess what the whole picture might be of. When I stood back and looked, the painting was of a seashore- some distant hills, the sandy beach, the sky with some clouds, two seaside white chairs to relax in, and rolling waves from the tide coming in. Although hotel art, the picture was beautiful. Having just that small segment of information, I would not have known all that the picture held. I only had a small glimpse. That woman was my counselor, and to be honest, Dawn has been used like a prophetess to speak into my life (and she probably has no idea. When we're honest, we have no idea what is used by God to tug at someone else's heart strings).

Right now, I see my life and what I have here in Indianapolis very much in part. I have NO IDEA why ANY of the things that have happened to me, or even what God is going to do with them. As Dawn pointed out yesterday, I've stopped asking WHY and turned it into a much healthier HOW focus, and begun to look for ways that I can grow from them. 4.5 years ago, my brain exploded, and I have cried buckets over how a stroke and someone with a traumatic brain injury could be used for God's glory now. I've viewed myself as very broken and bought into the lie that there is no possible way that someone "that" damaged could have a place in God's kingdom now, let alone a leader for others who are hurt to hear through them. 1.5 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my employer. The PTSD, shame and fear that have ensued and the cocoon inside myself that I have run to "in order to stay safe" have almost killed me. Living in Indianapolis, the incredible depths of seasonal depression, mental health issues, loneliness, two broken hearts, living with the roller coaster weather & humidity that plays havoc on my body, longing to be back in Colorado (which I know would be running, but I've associated it in my brain as a place without pain now somehow)... well, it all scales in the painting for me to only see a small segmented corner. I wonder what the heck God might be up to IN ME. I used to ask and question 'WHY WOULD HE ALLOW THIS?' when I've started to search for 'HOW are you going to use this in the lives of others?'

Chronic pain (headaches and joints), migraines, a stroke and a sexual assault are ALL issues that I KNOW God can use and WILL use. I WANT THEM TO BE USED. All of those "sub-communities" need HOPE that there will BE A DAY WITH NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE PAIN, AND NO MORE FEARS. They need to know that God will make GOOD of what has happened to them, and THAT HE DID NOT CAUSE IT, but His allowing it does not equate Him to be Bad. Part of it needs to be that I come to a place where I can talk about what has happened to me without breaking down and sobbing because they were all tragic honestly. Part needs to be that I become healthier in accepting these parts of my story now, regardless of what the world tells me or the lies that Satan throws my way to get me distracted from God's end goal in them. I have to be able to admit what has happened and be able to discern what God might want to do or speak into someone else's life through me. That's what I've always wanted, and honestly what's NEEDED for someone with those wounds- but using my deepest wounds... couldn't their be a different or easier way? You really want to use these things that have been so incredibly hard for me, and want to tell others of your goodness through my deepest wounds?

I've recently been reading 'Hinds Feet on High Places' and so very much relate with the main character, Much Afraid. She gets paralyzed by fear over very small things, and I can very much relate. The journey the great shepherd takes her on to High Places seems grueling, and at one point she must trust the Shepherd and go completely out of view from the Mountains and trust him to lead her through the desert with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. I have felt much of what Much Afraid has felt since living in Indianapolis. I thought my life in Indy was going to look a certain way. Instead, almost every dream I had about coming here has been shattered, and I've had a lot of heart to hearts with God about my coming here or why I thought I was called here over tears. Ultimately, I have decided that He is good and He knows best. This life in Indianapolis is not even close to what I would have chosen for myself. I didn't want easy, but I had no idea staying here would be so incredibly hard to manage. So, as Dawn had me realize with the painting yesterday, I want my life to be viewed as a painting, in full. Even if I'm currently still working things out over the shame in one area, and that's likely the area that will be used (because I've seen God intervene in powerful ways through it). I'm a work in process, and becoming ok with the Mastermind's strokes to eventually make up the entire piece, even if it's incredibly painful in the making. He never promised this life would be easy. Only that He would never leave me or lead me astray. So I'm clinging to that today.
Love,
Amy Christine

The dreaded "dating" topic

I'm 32, and this is a well-known topic for me these days (unfortunately). I get that "dating" is awkward when first asking a girl out and all, but SHEESH. A few things have come up recently that I'd like to point out to anyone who might be reading.

- It can't be called "catching up over drinks" IF YOU HAVE NO PREVIOUS FRIENDSHIP TO PULL FROM. "Catching up" implies we've already had a connection...
- Stalking me days later through facebook just feels creepy. Especially if we didn't really have a connection in person, I'm not going to "friend" you in the cyber-sphere world. No. I want to say be more creative but I'm afraid I'll get a real-life stalker if I do.
- If it's a date that you're intending, CALL IT THAT. That way WE KNOW GOING INTO IT WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE. I'm old enough to know better, be old enough to call it like it is please.
- If I'm out for a run, WITH MY HEADPHONES IN and dripping in sweat, I probably don't want to 1) talk to you 2) think that right now would be the prefect time to be asked out. Just no. Be more creative please. Find a different time, when I can actually TALK to you.

I'm not going to make this a lengthy post, but I don't get it. This realm still overwhelms me, and I'll admit that I've asked for blinders and that if God wants me to date, He's going to have to make it REALLY obvious. Until then, work on yourself, because I will be. Thanks ;)

Love,
Amy Christine