My Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

Yes, I know that no one really likes the rain. And rarely do you feel productive when you just want to sit in front of a fire, drinking hot chocolate and reading a book. I get it. But I've noticed in the last few weeks since being back in Denver just what a DIFFERENCE it makes when it's nice out. Sun shining gives me hope and reminds of the great things around me. My perspective easily shifts. I'm hopeful about my future again. I can give voice to what God might be doing around me. I can recognize the many, many blessings that are around my life. I can speak of them with confidence. However, when the skies open and it will not stop raining, as it did for much of last week, I want to crawl and hide. My body physically takes so much effort to do the most basic of functions. I have no energy. I'm completely lethargic. My head and muscles aches and throb. I want to curl in a ball and hide, forever. My perspective is incredibly focused on self-preservation. I just want the pain inside to STOP.

On the outside, I "look" fine. I sometimes force myself to get dressed and participate in life, although that's rare. However, inside, I am hurting. And I get tired of talking about it. I've been asked "Well, why don't you just stay in bed then?" Deep breath. If I stayed in bed ALL THE TIME that I felt crappy, I would never leave. And after a few days of being bound to your bed, you go stir-crazy. So, I've mastered the art of continuing with much of life while in the midst of pain(s). Try going to graduate school with a constant headache that could just morph into a migraine whenever... I've learned some of my limits from my stroke, and will never again ignore all the signs leading up to that event. I'm now passionate about medical coverage, because I didn't think anything could happen to me either. Thank you Starbucks insurance. And now I can be thankful for the event for being more cogniszent to my own body and taking care of this temple that I dwell in on Earth for now.

All that to say, the Sun in shining again today, and my body is taking a deep breath of relief. Relaxing from the chaos that was last week, hiding in my bed, afraid to emerge. One of the things I am most excited about living in Denver again is that I get those days SO MUCH MORE OFTEN. I can be who I really was created to be. The person who emerges when it's rainy out is a shell of a person, drudging through life methodically, simply trying to survive until it's an acceptable time to return to Bed. I know that's not who God has created me to be. So I will stand tall and proud on these nice days out. And rejoice and sing of the New Creation that I am. I want to learn (with time) how to do that even when it's not so nice out, but that's a hurdle to get over next time it's rainy. For now, I will stand firm in the Sunshine, remembering all the good that He has done for me!
Love,
Amy Christine

Thankful & Content

I had a great day today. Things were relatively pain-free (at least not to the point of it distracting too much from what I was already doing) today, and that made me happy. I met with a woman I had met last weekend at church for coffee this morning, and then for lunch with a friend I haven't seen since high school. Both were fantastic, and felt so natural again. I'm just starting to come out of this victim mentality and constantly listening to lies- about who I am, what I'm capable of, what my future holds... I realize I went to a Seminary and have my master's degree in counseling, but after the crap I've been through in the last few years with my stroke, break-ups, constantly being a medical anomaly, and my assault- you start to believe the lies that are lobbed your direction. It hasn't been until recently that I've started to see them as false... but letting go of that baggage is a completely different story. Believing that you actually have something worth sharing with others... I haven't been able to see it because I've hidden in the dark, cowering, afraid. The musician(s) Jason Gray and Kari Jobe, along with a study I've recently done by Christina May Gibson on my Sufficiency in Christ have begun to shed light on some of the ways I've hidden in the lies and the fear. I know I have a powerful testimony, something I prayed for when I first became a Christian... I just didn't know I was going to have to endure things to GET THAT STORY. Somehow, I thought it would just be "handed" to me... oh no.

Today was beautiful. Meeting for coffee and then with my friend for lunch- I got glimpses of what life could be like with less pain and speaking with other women about Hope. Although we talked about what happened a few years ago in both conversations, it remained just a "yes, this happened to me. And..." I'm getting to the place where it's something God has brought me THROUGH and I can talk confidently about it. 4.5 years ago I never imagined this day would ever come- I just wanted to walk or swallow again. Being able to speak confidently of what GOD has done IN ME was NOT in the forefront of my mind then to be honest. I knew eventually He would, but I was preoccupied by daily life then to give it much attention. Now I'm beginning to see redemption. I'm tired of shrinking back into the shadows. I'm tired of listening to the lies, or believing that they have any truth. But if/when you have been victimized, you suddenly get it. You realize how much it's like a vortex that eventually you don't remember what the light looks like any longer. For months, that was this web of lies and shame that told me I had done something to deserve the pain(s) I was in, it was my own fault for the situations and consequences I was in, that there wouldn't be an end to them, that I was being punished for something... the lies got ugly and unfortunately I believed them. The silence of the one's around me (whom I often wouldn't let in anyway) reinforced these false belief's... that maybe I would have stopped believing sooner if I had. Thankfully, I have faith in the One who sees me differently than I have in the recent past. Thankfully, He has a purpose, yet TBD to my eyes. It's going to be awesome. He has restored my view of who He is and How He takes delight in me. That's pretty awesome.

I NEVER could have imagined that I would be used like this. By beginning to open up slightly. Helping to proclaim truth just by my miracle of a life. Remaining faithful during the not-knowing weeks to what I did know to be true. Choosing to leave all known comforts and stability behind on the Faith that life could be different from what I knew currently. Bypassing the details many fret over with my shoulders shrugged with a "I don't know. However, I trust" because I've learned not to squabble about the details. Not that they don't matter, but often we won't know with certainty until we get to Heaven anyway. So I'm relaxing my grip on what education or training I have had, and I'm getting back to what really matters- loving people well. Reclaiming myself in How God created me. Putting aside the polarizing politics and theologies. Stepping into the unknown(s) yet again. This is far from easy. But He is worth it. Abandoning myself to what may lay ahead is worth it. I don't know what lay ahead, but I'm trusting that He has a plan.
Love,
Amy Christine