S-I-X Y-E-A-R-S. S.I.X. Some days they have seemed to go by so quickly, almost as if what happened on February 25, 2009 was just a distant memory. Other days I am painfully aware of just how much actually did change. My trach scar left on my neck serves as a reminder that no, in fact, that was not a bad dream. I really did almost die six years ago, and I'm not being dramatic in stating that. It's far enough away now that most people have moved on, and rightly so. Having babies, school, marriage, work... life doesn't just stop or suspend because of an event like that. I get it, nor do I want it to have had that affect either. It's a memory, an event, something that happened to me. However, there are things that I just can't get back now. I am different. My life is different. I see and experience things differently now. I've moved forward and I've refused to let that medical event define my life now or hold me back, although it did reshape my trajectory. But with each passing month when the 25th rolls around, I remember. It's not just another day for me anymore, it can't be. Not to be melodramatic, but to be a walking miracle where you KNOW your life was intricately intervened with is a very humbling thing to live with daily. It's Defining. That event has made a whole new set of tangible theology for me to be living and breathing out each and every day. Yes, I get that we ALL are miracles created by God and breathed in with His breath (Psalms 139)... but I was given a second chance at life. There were events in my life that occurred that day 6 years ago that cannot be reconciled any other way but to admit that the God of Angel Armies literally reached in and intervened. "It's not her time to come home yet. I still have plans for this one". How do you daily LIVE with that knowledge about your life and walk around just like anyone else? I literally have that knowledge, that secret, but will rarely admit it to anyone now. It's kind of like being a CIA spy without the cool spy gear...
I have SO wanted to just conceal back into culture and pretend that it all did not happen to be honest. Just be and act like anyone else. "Normal". Everyone else has moved on... so why do I need to act as though things are different now? I had the HARDEST time while back in graduate school to use the accommodations given to me by the ADA/Americans with Disabilities Act, granted through my dean of students and the case manager that helped me to enroll in school again. I didn't yet see myself as disabled then. There were several tearful instances in my Dean's office crying about how "No one else has to use accommodations!?" to which I would hear "But no one else just had their brains blow up either..." {Side note, these were awesome sessions as I was relearning to navigate my world and emotions again to find my new normal within a world that used to come so easy to me. Dr. Lemus was awesome at helping me re-adjust as well as my professors and peers deal with the changes that had occurred within me}.
Part of my life now is that my brain will stay fixated on something for hours to make sense of it all. Sometimes I get stuck in first gear and can't move forward. Other times, I'm emotional, rash, and impulsive. I have surprisingly become much more analytical than my old emotional self. I've retreated into the safety of myself as an introvert, hiding from the world I've come to fear again. Emotions were a hard thing to come back, and they have become something cyclical to deal with as well now. This event six years ago is not an excuse by any stretch of the imagination, but when I remind people that I am navigating life without two important parts of my brains and things have re-wired itself... Some things now just make more sense with that knowledge. I am still incredibly independent & stubborn, and probably even more so after what happened to me in the hospital with my independence being taken away. I've become part of "this club" that I never even wanted to belong to in the first place, and now I would not trade for anything. To be a walking medical miracle is a pretty rare privilege, and something most will never understand or comprehend. Also being a sexual assault survivor is pretty rare (though it's more common than most will give voice to). To be a part of both of these groups now... well, again, I never intended to be, but I've found that I LOVE the people that I have become surrounded by in both. Some of the most guarded but amazing people that understand life as I know it now.
One of the most significant verses through all of these trials has been Genesis 50:20- 'What you intended to harm me, GOD INTENDED IT FOR GOOD!' Meaning, Satan tried to knock me down with both of those events, and God had completely other purposes with them entirely. That's kind of God's thing- to take something that we see as a broken MESS and turn around for HIS GLORY. That's all I ever prayed once I became a Christian- but never expected THIS would be the way that He would do that in me! Those events were not the final word. It was not my final day on 2/25/2009, my last breath, the way that God had scripted the end of my story. He still has a plan, and this has become part of the plan now. He intervened and let all the medical staff know that all of their years of training were not a match for what He wanted to do in me instead. To now sit with the doctors that were with me then and hear their recollections of six years ago sobers me up real quick & helps me remember my purpose again. With all of the trials that have come in the last six years- the new health things to manage or be careful of; The world to relearn and learn to safely navigate again; To find safety and trust again in a world that no longer makes sense to my rational re-wired brain; The set-backs from the dreams that I had from before this all happened and even those I had as I was grappling with how I had changed- I can slip into despair rather quickly. The last 6 years have been challenging, and for many, it's too much to hear about. I've sadly had to left that go, realizing that is much more about the person leaving than about me or my own story now. But that's just what Satan wants- to have me shrink into the shadows again. Being reminded of those stories of HOW God Intervened, although not as frequent anymore, reminds me that there still is a plan. There is still a reason I am here. It's just hard to remember that with the passing trials and discouragements, all aimed at keeping me down and distracted from my purpose as a chosen and set apart daughter with a much higher calling than a career or title could ever hold. It has become something I take deep pride in to speak LIFE and encouragement into those that I love, knowing that it is not of me that I am speaking with power, but my life now has a weight to it to make those words meaningful. God is still here, in all of our brokenness, and will redeem it for us. I can say that with confidence because I have seen it to be true and know it. I'm living proof now.
I hate to dwell in the past. HATE. I would much rather move forward and completely forget that those events ever happened or even affected me. My physical scars serve as a reminder that I can not escape or run from. But both of those traumas have changed me and how I see the world now. I've accepted that and I've moved forward again with purpose. I choose to live well instead. To live with purpose each day. To surround myself with people I can bless and that bless me in return. Life is far too short to not, and I almost lost that chance once. Not again. Not with my second chance to live well, as God intended for this second go-round. I have tried shaking my head at God and my fist in anger with what He allowed, but I remember Peter's words in John 6:68 'Lord, where else would we go?" He allowed it, but did not cause these things. They have changed me. Redefined my life. Given me new direction and purpose. Daily living that out now and helping others see Him through my very cracked exterior now is part of my purpose, and I won't withhold that. I can not. All I want to do is live my life to the best of my abilities now, intentionally asking Him what He would have for me each day and with each choice I make. Sorry this post was so long, but there is a lot that brews up for me on this day now, and my writing helps get it out.
As always, thanks for being a part of this crazy journey with me. You have no idea what it means to me.
Love,
Amy Christine
