First Mother's Day

Mother's day. This is a very complicated holiday for me. Although I adore my mother and now my mother-in-law too, and I'm thankful for the "surrogate" mom's that have helped nurture me spiritually & emotionally while I live apart from my own mother, this day is one of so many emotions for me. I am beyond thankful and grateful for two amazing kiddos that will probably never know the depth of my mama bear protection for them and my advocating for them behind the scenes. I have two seriously talented and amazing creatures in my life that I am blessed to call "my step-children", though truth-be-told, it's often easier to leave out the "step" title in talking about them and bragging about them to others. Other people, especially passing clients at work, don't need to know our situation. I have a fantastic niece and nephew back in Michigan, who bring me so much joy with their smiles and laughter, and I look forward to the little beings that they will become someday. I have an amazing husband, who has never for one second let me think that I am somehow "less than" because I made the choice to not have biological children, or that I am "JUST" a step any-thing. He faithfully reminds me that his children adore me and I make them intentionally feel chosen, while reminding them of WHOSE they really are and what incredible talent(s) they have both been blessed with for HIS glory.

However, it is also a day filled with pain for me, and this is not a sympathy post, but a "working out these complicated emotions" post. As I have seen so many of my friends struggling with infertility, the heart-break and loss that comes with that kind of grief is like no other. Honestly, you will never understand until you have gone through a similar trial to understand that level of grief. I have made the decision that my health complications are far too numerous to take the chance in having biological children of my own, and that was a decision I made years before I met my husband. God knew the turmoil that would be wrestling deep within my soul, and He has blessed me with two incredible little blessings that I get to journey with, being a second voice to nurture and love them along their path of life. However, this holiday is still hard for me to deal with, since it is so complicated with so many layers. Yes, not having children was my choice, and one that I did not make lightly or without lot's of prayers and counsel. However, I am also painfully reminded with each of our pick up and drop off times with their bio-mother that I will never be the one that these two beautiful kids call mom. I will never replace Emily, nor do I want to. These awesome babies need their mother- and she provides a completely different set of nurturing than I ever can. But, I will never know the complicated joys that it can be to pull an all nighter with a crying infant, kiss booboos to make it all better, and work through the initial head strong years of will-full-ness of a toddler.

I have entered the lives of my two kiddos when they are entering puberty, managing the challenges of school and the realm of attraction and dating, while playing team sports and learning all the nuances that come with competitive sports in your teens. I never knew of divorce in my family, and then suddenly- I entered motherhood half-way through. Even my beautiful friends who are also bonus moms will someday have children "of their own", so this stage that I am in will probably always be one that many will not understand. Nor do I expect people to even try. Having to have split time with our kids so that they (and we) can all have time with them is not "normal" and takes a lot of patience in trying to understand the complex layers of our situation. I'm tired of trying to explain it, so I remain isolated because it's all so complex.

This day is complicated. I have no idea what to think of for our first official mother's day together as a family. I'm trying to help these kids honor their mother this year by decorating flower pots for her. My feelings about her do not matter- I want these kids to pay their respects to the very hard job their mom has had over the years, and for one day remind her that it does matter to who they are becoming. I am still wrestling through what Sunday will mean personally for myself and what this day will look like for me, and that may be a lifetime of learning to come.

The fury of a mother

I know I have been mostly silent for awhile. There have been a lot of changes since my last published blog- but I have had many, many draft posts since becoming a wife and step-mother. The adventures are daily, and often too crazy to even talk aloud about. It's wonderful and full and absolutely never, ever boring. Marriage has refined both of us, and I'm un-learning how to be stubbornly independent & single while he's un-learning the things that went wrong for him in his first time around and living like a bachelor for the last 4 years. We are not each other's ex's, and God knew we needed one another to do some internal works in us both. The addition of two bonus kids and becoming a step-mom has been an absolute whirlwind- think motherhood on exponential steroids at speeds of 10,000 miles an hour in first gear and you might come close.

Since becoming a step-mom, I can understand the plight and desperation of many of my mother's that come to see me for records & radiology images at work with a much more adept understanding & empathy. There are several mom's that come to mind recently, with their fears, questions, love and desperation for answers, and because of HIPAA reasons, I cannot talk about many of the details of their individual situations. Being on the other side of the desk & window(s) myself as a medical anomaly proved to be an amazing impetus for my passion to pray for my clients and patients. However, since becoming a mother myself, it's added an entirely new depths & dimensions that cannot be described. I had a mother come to me needing her son's imaging because they were finally going to the Mayo Clinic after being on the wait list for 8+ months for what they thought was a tumor in his brain. He's 4 months younger than my daughter. From custody battles, abuse, yet-diagnosed or untreated conditions, to kids simply being kids and 125% in all they do... well, I can now personally understand and sympathize with these mom's that see life in very dark, uncertain and desperate moments and I totally understand that mama bear feeling of needing answers when there seems to be tunnel vision and little hope. May I be a part of bringing them peace to their uncertain times.