To be completely transparent (as if I'm not already bearing my soul here) things at my current work looked like they might let me go Part-time, so I let my news hang in the balance for several weeks. It wasn't until they said I couldn't stay part-time with this other job that I had to think about my career goals and where I want to be in 5 years... and a path that at least is going to help me establish a career in counseling- including the hours and supervision to get licensed- well, those offers don't come around everyday. I had to face my fears and evaluate them for what they were- complete unknowns that really held no merit, and I was letting the voices of fear hold me back from something that could be great. Even with telling my current coworkers about the new position and my leaving an organization I have fallen in love with- I kept the secret because deep down, I had feared that they wouldn't care about this opportunity for me anyway. I was shockingly dismayed by the overflow of heartfelt congratulations yesterday. I grew so much in the 2.5 years in that role- personally and professionally. I made some beautiful friendships that weren't just coworkers. It still doesn't feel real that tomorrow I'm going to start a new chapter- one that I honestly didn't forsee in the cards for me, and still don't know what that will look like. And that's ok.
I started a new small group last week with the ministry I'm a part of (but already knew most of the women) and the way they explained checking in with integrity had me thinking all week- "Am I living in such a way that lines up with the Word of God in my life and what He has called me to" and we ask each other this piece each week. It could have been easy to "spin" the story of my accepting this offer to tarnish the company I'm leaving or slander my boss or coworkers, but I can also omit those details when telling someone else. Those pieces really don't matter at the end of the day, and that's not who I am or what I want to be about. My not announcing the decision to many of my coworkers was way more about the lies that I tell myself than anything about the decision to grow in my career. I really thought I didn't matter and hadn't made much of an impact on our unit... and the looks of coworkers who just found on my last day expressed deep hurt that that thought was so untrue. What a lie I had believed. Listening to my fears did so much damage to us both.
I've (half) jokingly had said "Who thought that I was a big girl and could leave this position? I've become really good at Disney princess sing-alongs!" and my friend Mel responded with "Well, God did". Huh. Maybe God sees something that can be used in this pile of broken pieces after all. I might be good at Disney sing-along, but apparently He thinks I'm ready for more too. And I won't know if I don't step out and try. Another friend Erica had me write out a "parachute plan"- my worst case scenarios and what-if's, and then logically look at them and see if they have any merit. I wrote things like "my migraines might explode again" or "my sleep might get really wonky". Those things might be true. But they aren't enough for me to not even try. I'm doing absolutely everything in my power currently to pro-actively set myself up for success. So tomorrow is a big day. I've laid everything out- cooked yummy foods, packed my lunch, talked with my niece & nephew Jackson's birthday is tomorrow!) packed my bag, set out my clothes, blogged some of this nervous energy... I give it all to God. If He's finally leading me to do this, He knows what will come too. I have nothing to fear.
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