Beautiful start to summer!

This is more like what I had pictured summer to be. Sunny. 80's. Beautiful outside. Sitting outside in my bathing suit as I write this, while eating a Mediterranean salad. For the last several weeks, this state known for it's sunshine (over 300 days!) has had cloudy skies and miserable temperatures, going from 80s to 40 or 50's in a matter a minutes, and making someone who's subject to weather migraines absolutely in agonizing pain. This spring has been the worst for my head probably ever. I've made a bucket list of places I want to go see and travel around in the state and people to go visit yet while I still live out this way. Between cleaning for people's homes, and learning new things at the country club every single day, volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House (which I'm loving), doing things for the community where I live at (which I'm still loving and continues to be perfect for me right now, and all the other things that seem to keep me busy daily... I keep myself busy since graduating just a few weeks ago. Sometimes I forget it's only been two weeks and a few days!

Last night I got called into work for the Memorial Day BBQ and they had some island music playing, and it got me so excited to go to see my family in 2 weeks in Michigan and then Jamacia together. I haven't really been able to relax here in Denver, so getting away to MI and Jamacia should force me to relax, or at least I'm hoping it will!

I've decided I won't start looking for jobs in Indianapolis until after I get back from Jamacia, since there is not really anything I can do about them until I get back anyway. The more I think about what life might look like a year from now, I am filled with apprehension, fear, unknowns, why's, but then I am reminded that the last few years have not been about me either. There is so much that I want to do or accomplish, but know that those things cannot happen without God leading the way first. I am terrified about what might be next when I get honest. I know it will be good, but I like structure, and am not good with change from the routine of things that I know or what I am comfortable with. Graduate school, even though it was incredibly challenging, was good for me, because it provided a structure to my days, of where I needed to be, what I needed to do, etc. I may just move to Indianapolis without an official job and look when I arrive, as it might be easier to search for jobs actually being in the state than trying to do that long distance anyway. I may just save up my money from working this summer to get me by for a month or two and get a hostess job when I first arrive too. It's all up in the air right now, but that's what I'm thinking right now, it would certainly take the pressure off moving and having to start in two weeks!

I think I would still like to write down my story in a book, but have no idea how to do go about doing that, but I would still like to do it somehow. Since having my stroke, I've learned of at least three other young women that are friends or acquaintances also having strokes, and that terrifies me. I did the video for my school, which is now partially done (the doctors and my portion), but still think the message of how much a stroke can change your your life and where you are headed needs to get out there somehow... I just had no idea at 28 that a) strokes could happen to young people b) you could actually live through a stroke c) how your life could be thrown upside down and what you would have to face because of a stroke. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... it's effected all of me, to the core. It shook me and where I was headed, why I was in school, what I want to do with my life, it's changed a lot about me, and I'll never be the same, never get that Amy back no matter how much I work at it or how hard I try. I like this Amy and what I have now better than where I was going, and the relationship I have with the Lord is more authentic. It has been incredibly hard, but it is real. My relationships with the people around me have weathered a lot, but are better for it as well. I wouldn't trade these lessons. I wouldn't have picked this road if I had the choice, but I am blessed and better because of it. This is all I know. It's taken much of my memory from me as well, changed how I even saw myself and interacted with the world around me, and I know God is going to use it in the lives of other people for His glory. I'm different now, and I'm becoming okay with that. Amen.
Love,
Amy Christine

Dr. Markey

I often feel guilty. That's been a theme of my walk as a Christian for the past 15 years, so it's not a new thing post-stoke, although it is one of Satan's favorite tactics of "How is God actually going to use you and your story?"... anywhoo. I went to see my old Neurosurgeon today to get the time-line of what happened with what surgery when 2 years and 3 months ago (today is my anniversary). Dr. Markey was a truck driver before he was a surgeon... he has a great story. I teared up as he was re-explaining things to me because every time I hear it, I hear God's faithfulness. Dr. Markey wasn't even supposed to be on my case that day. But God was there. I may not know why, and may never know this side of Heaven, But He was there. I may not like the effects that have come of it, and may have to deal with some crappy side effects forever because of it... but God was there. God has and is going to keep using it. I want to use my experience to work with other people who have been dealt a crappy hand too, a medical diagnosis they didn't ask for either. Whether that be cancer, diabetes, or something else... I want to walk with them and help them find healing and redemption IN THE SUFFERING of the day to day to do of what it is that they want to do. For me, it was finishing school, and now moving back closer to my family and getting a job. What that looks like, I don't know yet... I feel like I've said that like a dozen times on the blog now! ha! When I know, I'll tell you! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Graduation

After 3.5 years of hard work, sleepless nights, reading for classes and assignments, tests, exams, practicum, 2 internships, a stroke, a seizure, more migraines and chronic pain than I want to think about, 3 semesters of chapel attendance, 3 semesters of training and mentoring growth with two different groups, a doctor telling my family I would never go back to school and my going back 6 months later almost to spite him and not listen and show my stubborn German roots, having my driving license and then not and having to get rides, and then getting it back with restrictions and then getting it back finally to have it taken away again and then it back for a couple of months, 6 moves (and having to remember those addresses with my memory post-stroke!), 2 cars.... it's been a journey. No one could have mapped this out. Heck, even for me to remember all this sucks. My lapse in even blogging about this achievement shows that I have found things to keep myself occupied since graduating last weekend on the 14th. I'm now working as a part-time hostess at the Denver Country Club, and feel like the new kid because I'm the only one who doesn't seem to understand the culture of the place, the names of the members, or how things operate- a learning adjustment for sure! I'm volunteering with the Ronald McDonald House this summer here in Denver because I would really like to get a job in a hospital as a medical social work position of sorts.. still trying to trust that God knows what He's doing in using my degree and my experience and story for His glory to find a job in Indianapolis since that's where I'm feeling the most led right now. I was going to volunteer with Craig Hospital as well, but don't seem to have enough hours in the summer to do it all unfortunately to do it all, with the club, the Ronald House project, and putting in the hours I need at the place I'm living, the Downing House. How I wish there were more hours in the day and I could do it all!

The picture above that I added to this post was one that my little sister Kelli and I took when my family came out here for that weekend. It was great to have them here for the weekend, for them to get a snapshot of my life here and to see what I've been talking about when we are talking on the phone. It was great for them to see just how hard I've hard to work to get pieces of my independence back here... there's a lot that can't be communicated through the phone or emails, but it was great to have them here for the weekend, and I'm still trying to organize my summer life (thank you cards, cleaning my room, mending, making my bed, running errands that never seem to end... and the list continues). Soon to be added to that list after I get back from the trip in June with my family to Jamacia will be looking for jobs in Indianapolis... sigh. The life of responsibility. Not ready. I'm not sure I ever will be, but the alternatives (getting a doctorate or becoming a stay-at-home mother) aren't appealing either... so, I think option one is my best bet. So if you hear of anyone needing roommates in Indianapolis or medical social work positions in Indianapolis area, let me know! I can't do this alone, that is for sure! I'm not too proud to ask for help!
Love,
Amy Christine

Boulder, Intentionality & Purpose

I went up to Boulder this last weekend to celebrate my friend Brooke, both for her birthday and because she's getting married next month. I rode the bus up there (and who really would want to pay these gas prices right now!), and actually got time to look at the scenery (which is gorgeous!) instead of the bumper in front of me. Memories came flooding back to me... and I really only think I have been up to Boulder like a handful of times since my stroke (and with the way my memory works now I can't remember them anyways!) With the music I was listening to on my iPod, it just made for the perfect weekend, to celebrate with Brooke, to stay with Ashlyn, to revisit a place that had been home for so long and that I had weeped over in prayer, where I had hurt so bad for and had so much heartbreak take place in that town and times of really finding out who I was as a young 20 something... Gosh, I sound old and jaded as I write this! ha!

But seriously, this weekend was great, and I think I need to go up to Boulder to hang out for a couple of days to soak in the beauty that surrounds that place and just relish in it when I don't have the demands of a job or school dictating my where-abouts. I think more than anything, that is what I am craving right now in my life. Release from the responsibilities of life. I am 8 days away from my last final exam, and 11 from my commencement, and I'm terrified. I just need a break. I almost had an anxiety attack today about what might lay ahead, and that overwhelms me. I have no idea. The woman who always had a plan has vague inklings of what might be ahead through September, but beyond there, everything is very hazy. That is really scary. I am about to break free from the cocoon of graduate school, which should be the most freeing thing but instead, I am almost paralyzed with fear, and I hate that. I have the amazing opportunity to love on and pour into some amazing men and women in the community I live in, and am very excited to do that more intentionally this summer, and I am planning on volunteering at Craig Hospital and possibly the Ronald McDonald House, and working very part time at the Denver Country Club, so it's not like I am completely without a plan. My plans also include getting to experience hiking and camping in Colorado since I really haven't been able to do that for the last 3.5 years with graduate school. And I'm going to be intentional about spending some quality time with important people that I may not get to see very often when I move back to the Midwest. This summer is going to be all about intentionality and purpose. Hopefully, I can say that about my entire life from here forward.
Love,
Amy Christine