I'm so very frustrated. It's been a very low few couple of weeks honestly, and I hate admitting it. After taking the 4th, YES, THE 4th anti-depressant that has made me suicidal in the last year. At first I was ashamed to even speak of it. But why are we so afraid to talk about mental health and suicide? They've become this taboo topic in our society because we're afraid of the ramifications. Would this be the same issue if I said I was diabetic but thought I could just do it without drugs... anywhoo. I disgress.
I know I don't play by the rules. Usual medication side effects don't really apply to me, and the things that might typically happen to someone have never worked for me. Muscle Relaxers made me have insomnia when they usually make anyone else super drowsy. I have been on SO MUCH medication in the last few years. I'm just SO TIRED of feeling like I've frustrated the medical community so they just throw more pills at me. I feel like replying back "You think I CHOSE THIS? DO YOU THINK LIVING IN CHRONIC PAIN IS FUN? I'm sorry to be a medical anomaly, but try taking more than 2 minutes in your visit with me, since I AM PAYING FOR IT, and get out of your Medical School thinking and listen to what is going on with me please!" I'm not just making this stuff up for fun. I promise that I always have pain of some sorts. I usually don't let it show because I hate talking about it. It's not something I enjoy talking about- i hate to talk about me regardless. I just don't want "to be that girl". I think being on allllll of this medication is what is keeping my pain as bad as it is. I'm just too compliant to actually object to someone in a lab coat and I take their pills because I I still have hope that the pills might DO SOMETHING for me after all. I can't go back to the original prescribing doctors, as they are back in Colorado. So I need a doctor in Indiana who IS CONFIDENT to slowly start taking me off one medication and see what happens. Not all at once. I'm tired of being an anomaly. One of the greatest things that I have heard in the last 3 years was when Dr. Fox said to me "You're not a medical anomaly. You're just a puzzle." Thank you. It was as if she gave me a new identity in all of this, because there is no user manual of "now here's how to live with a TBI" (which I may attempt someday at writing someday).Sweet freedom. I've certainly done most everything else that I was told couldn't be done after a stroke. Most people who find out that it's part of my past now are now very surprised, to which I am very grateful, and honestly never imagined would happen because I never thought that day would come WHERE YOU COULDN'T see the effects of the stroke in me. I've said that I don't want to be defined by the stroke, but I also have very select memories (without reason) from before the stroke as well,so even describing pre-stroke Amy is difficult on most days unfortunately. I'm a mixed bag and I'm becoming not afraid to admit it.
So there is this guilt of knowing that I am a miracle and but also living in chronic pain and wanting to end my life, and feeling guilty because I don't want my life to end that way either. It's a maddening cycle really. And there's not a "magic pill" to fix it and make it all better, and God hasn't healed me yet and made the pain stop, so right now, I live in tension of the life "not yet glorified". I want my glorified body SO BADLY I can taste it. A life without pain seems almost impossible to possibly imagine. So for right now, I know that as much as I hate them, I need them. I've attempted to ween off some of them, and in that process, some of my doctors have actually tried to add more pills to my routine. No, I don't need any more than what I already have. Please no. My mental health and pocket book are way too important to me to sacrifice right now. Having a voice is not something I have ever excelled in having, so when I actually use it Mr. doctor, please listen to it, and don't add medications as that just increases my frustrations with you and your vocation. ANd those are my frustrated and random thoughts for the day.
Love,
Amy Christine
No comments:
Post a Comment