It's been a rough few weeks in the world of Amy. I say that only because there seem to be few silver linings these days, and I often feel alone in it all. That's not a pity party, but just the way things feel. After ending things with my best friend a month ago, I feel like things have also gone away with that stability. I'm going hard after my dreams and what I want these days, but can't help feeling for every step that I try to take forward, I end up taking a few behind me instead.
I had a dream interview for a place I've been looking at for 1.5 years on Monday, but felt like I botched it in many aspects, which was really discouraging after all that I prepared for it. I went afterwards to run off my frustrations and clear my head. I've been experiencing random numbness and tingling, usually on the left side of my body. About 15 minutes into my run, my right leg went numb. When 3 years ago you had a dissection that you could have died from that presented as a migraine headache... it's hard to not become scared when "bizarre" things happen, that the medical community just calls "a complicated migraine" (as if my everyday migraines aren't...) I felt in that moment that I didn't even have running any longer. I'm TRYING to move forward with what I WANT my life to be about... and trying to find the motivation to workout and then even that taken away... well, discouraging isn't quite the word but it's close.
I know my friends here are frustrated and "just want me to get on with life already" (um, just to be clear, I would like that too)... but it's hard when the hits feel like they keep coming. Hard. I'm living on a 1/3 of the poverty rate, BUT every month, my bills get paid, I have food in my stomach, and I get new women to pour into, and a new life around me to discover and find out what I AM about, with no one else to immediately attend to. For the first time in a long time, it's me calling the shots. That's terrifying and yet freeing at the same time. God, where do you want me? What do you want me to be about? I'm NOT leaving this state just because things here are hard and I miss Colorado so much. I'm pressing into this loneliness because I know it will lead to fruit and that you are with me, in, through, and in spite of what I perceive as pain. You have led me to this place, and thank GOD for the faithful friends around me that aren't scared off by the things that continue to happen to me. I know it must be tough to continue to walk with me through more, but it truly means a lot right now. I love each of you for your steadfastness in this all. And Lord willing- I will learn more about me in it all and will look back fondly of these few months, knowing that I met God here, my R-rated prayers, endless tears and frank talks with God, knowing that He met me here, as He always does. I just want these lessons to go quickly so that I can move forward and feel something other than grief. Those emotions do exist, it's just been quite awhile since I've had the chance to feel them. And I will again. In that I have faith. It's just learning to be present that I'm not very good at, and maybe that's why it keeps coming up. So I'm learning to blossom where I'm planted (right now, that's Indianapolis), and make my life what I want it to be 5 years from now by laying the foundations for it and beginning the hard work of going after those things for myself and the life that I want and I believe that God has called me to here.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Carpe Diem
So I write this from my new porch swing, on a very a-typical gorgeous Indiana fall afternoon. I know I've been absent from the blog world for several months, and a LOT has happened since. I fell in love with an awesome man, Tony, but we broke up at the end of last month. I'm heartbroken, but we both know that its for the best. Again, I'm going to keep that all off of here for our privacy.
Our deciding to end things has made me face some of my issues head on that have been bubbling for sometime, only now being alone is giving me time to actually DO something about them. Tony was the FIRST person who knew about the events of my past, but didn't see me as them-my trauma's. Cognitively, I KNOW those things aren't true about who I AM, but believing in that reality... well... not yet. That's what this season is about becoming confident in. Who I REALLY am. Believing that I have worth, outside of what has happened to be or what I do. Between the trauma's that have happened TO ME that I had nothing to do with, namely, the stroke and assault last December. I became preoccupied with viewing myself as a stroke survivor or an assault survivor. Those those are things that happened TO ME, but not who I AM. I can't change what has happened to me, but I am taking this time to be alone and find out WHO I AM.
Again, like most trials, I wouldn't have chosen this, and easily could have taken a different road, said that it wasn't worth it, and just gotten a Mrs. label or ran some other way. Not that everyone who is married doesn't already know or want to know themselves as an individual... but I'm not just going to put off this off for a time that was "more convenient" (which, I don't really know when that would be...) I've seen far too many people around them distract themselves with their work, family, commutes, drugs, whatever- and I haven't wanted any of those things to be true about me.
I know that the true Amy Christine is in there, and I've seen glimpses of her at times or in situations, and she makes me happy. This season feels like an Ear of Corn being shucked. There is a lot of striping of things that were comfortable. I feel like God is removing the things around me that have been weighing me down or distracting me from discovering things to love about myself. I have a part time job and I'm still on SSDI. I'm at like a 1/3 of the poverty rate, and yet, each month, I'm surprisingly making it by. He is faithful indeed and beyond good to me. I have TIME right now to address these issues in my life and learn to become comfortable in my own skin. So I have a mentor and a counselor who are asking me some hard, reflective questions; I'm doing intentional Bible study and I'm starting to work out again. For months, I've made excuses about why I can't afford it, don't have time, whatever. I don't know if I had the true desire to do this hard work. Because it's NOT easy, and that's probably WHY so many people avoid it!? I don't want to be alone, but I know this is for a season, and I have to learn who I really am with nothing else buffering me from seeing those things within me. So if it's worth it, and I believe that it is, then I'm doing the work.
I'm living with some great new girls and I'm plugging in deeper with my church, and I'm finding who in my life I can trust to walk with me. That's again another place that I would run to, because I often found more security in God's people than even with Him... but I'm taking it upon myself not to RUN (figuratively) right now. If the issue is within ME, it's still going to be there, even if I'm in Guam. Honestly, I'd love to go back to Colorado- it was probably where I was happiest, but God has me here right now. With new fun roommates. In a fun part of town. So yes, maybe a lot of unhappy things have happened to me since being here for almost 11 months, but I'm deciding to see what GOD wants to teach me in and through these "trials". He has me here, so I want to find out why, and I'm deciding to apply myself for what I really want from life. I applied to my dream job and have an interview on Monday, and applied to another that is similar today. I'm working out, I'm diving into the Word (For I know that only HE CAN TELL ME WHO I AM). I'm working out because it improves how I feel about myself and helps my seasonal depression. I love to serve, so I'm serving at my church on the Welcoming team and in the nursery still. I love to bake, so I'm baking for my house-church every now and again. I'm investing in the relationships around me that are important and do add value to who I am- today and as I grow. I'm not going to run from the things that happen to me, but meet those events with a knowledge that God can use even pain to sculpt beautiful things... and I'm starting to see how He has used painful things of the past for my GOOD even if the events themselves were icky.
I think I operated under the belief that if God called me here, He was just going to drop the perfect job, and XYZ that I wanted here as well. Certainly not PTSD & an assault, 10 months of endless job searches to find meaning, two failed relationships and a broken heart, and continuing to have medical dramas to deal with. Life has not been "easy" here, but I'm choosing that tomorrow is worth it, and this hard work within me will be met with the answers that I seek. I have a reason for being here. Even though Indiana has not yet been all that I thought it might entail, He has been here, even in spite of the trials that have accompanied my new start. So this is a year I'm choosing each day to praise God for the good around me, and to live each day to its potential, offering myself to Him to use me as He sees fit. That's hard, but I know that it's worth it. I always said that I wanted to have a life story with meaning, but I didn't know it was going to require me to go through that pain if I was going to speak with any authority. So after a very much over due entry and update, I am going inside my house to cook dinner with my new fun roommate, Brittany. Continue to look for blessings around you each day- I am. There is a purpose for you being where you're at.
Our deciding to end things has made me face some of my issues head on that have been bubbling for sometime, only now being alone is giving me time to actually DO something about them. Tony was the FIRST person who knew about the events of my past, but didn't see me as them-my trauma's. Cognitively, I KNOW those things aren't true about who I AM, but believing in that reality... well... not yet. That's what this season is about becoming confident in. Who I REALLY am. Believing that I have worth, outside of what has happened to be or what I do. Between the trauma's that have happened TO ME that I had nothing to do with, namely, the stroke and assault last December. I became preoccupied with viewing myself as a stroke survivor or an assault survivor. Those those are things that happened TO ME, but not who I AM. I can't change what has happened to me, but I am taking this time to be alone and find out WHO I AM.
Again, like most trials, I wouldn't have chosen this, and easily could have taken a different road, said that it wasn't worth it, and just gotten a Mrs. label or ran some other way. Not that everyone who is married doesn't already know or want to know themselves as an individual... but I'm not just going to put off this off for a time that was "more convenient" (which, I don't really know when that would be...) I've seen far too many people around them distract themselves with their work, family, commutes, drugs, whatever- and I haven't wanted any of those things to be true about me.
I know that the true Amy Christine is in there, and I've seen glimpses of her at times or in situations, and she makes me happy. This season feels like an Ear of Corn being shucked. There is a lot of striping of things that were comfortable. I feel like God is removing the things around me that have been weighing me down or distracting me from discovering things to love about myself. I have a part time job and I'm still on SSDI. I'm at like a 1/3 of the poverty rate, and yet, each month, I'm surprisingly making it by. He is faithful indeed and beyond good to me. I have TIME right now to address these issues in my life and learn to become comfortable in my own skin. So I have a mentor and a counselor who are asking me some hard, reflective questions; I'm doing intentional Bible study and I'm starting to work out again. For months, I've made excuses about why I can't afford it, don't have time, whatever. I don't know if I had the true desire to do this hard work. Because it's NOT easy, and that's probably WHY so many people avoid it!? I don't want to be alone, but I know this is for a season, and I have to learn who I really am with nothing else buffering me from seeing those things within me. So if it's worth it, and I believe that it is, then I'm doing the work.
I'm living with some great new girls and I'm plugging in deeper with my church, and I'm finding who in my life I can trust to walk with me. That's again another place that I would run to, because I often found more security in God's people than even with Him... but I'm taking it upon myself not to RUN (figuratively) right now. If the issue is within ME, it's still going to be there, even if I'm in Guam. Honestly, I'd love to go back to Colorado- it was probably where I was happiest, but God has me here right now. With new fun roommates. In a fun part of town. So yes, maybe a lot of unhappy things have happened to me since being here for almost 11 months, but I'm deciding to see what GOD wants to teach me in and through these "trials". He has me here, so I want to find out why, and I'm deciding to apply myself for what I really want from life. I applied to my dream job and have an interview on Monday, and applied to another that is similar today. I'm working out, I'm diving into the Word (For I know that only HE CAN TELL ME WHO I AM). I'm working out because it improves how I feel about myself and helps my seasonal depression. I love to serve, so I'm serving at my church on the Welcoming team and in the nursery still. I love to bake, so I'm baking for my house-church every now and again. I'm investing in the relationships around me that are important and do add value to who I am- today and as I grow. I'm not going to run from the things that happen to me, but meet those events with a knowledge that God can use even pain to sculpt beautiful things... and I'm starting to see how He has used painful things of the past for my GOOD even if the events themselves were icky.
I think I operated under the belief that if God called me here, He was just going to drop the perfect job, and XYZ that I wanted here as well. Certainly not PTSD & an assault, 10 months of endless job searches to find meaning, two failed relationships and a broken heart, and continuing to have medical dramas to deal with. Life has not been "easy" here, but I'm choosing that tomorrow is worth it, and this hard work within me will be met with the answers that I seek. I have a reason for being here. Even though Indiana has not yet been all that I thought it might entail, He has been here, even in spite of the trials that have accompanied my new start. So this is a year I'm choosing each day to praise God for the good around me, and to live each day to its potential, offering myself to Him to use me as He sees fit. That's hard, but I know that it's worth it. I always said that I wanted to have a life story with meaning, but I didn't know it was going to require me to go through that pain if I was going to speak with any authority. So after a very much over due entry and update, I am going inside my house to cook dinner with my new fun roommate, Brittany. Continue to look for blessings around you each day- I am. There is a purpose for you being where you're at.
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