It's been a rough few weeks in the world of Amy. I say that only because there seem to be few silver linings these days, and I often feel alone in it all. That's not a pity party, but just the way things feel. After ending things with my best friend a month ago, I feel like things have also gone away with that stability. I'm going hard after my dreams and what I want these days, but can't help feeling for every step that I try to take forward, I end up taking a few behind me instead.
I had a dream interview for a place I've been looking at for 1.5 years on Monday, but felt like I botched it in many aspects, which was really discouraging after all that I prepared for it. I went afterwards to run off my frustrations and clear my head. I've been experiencing random numbness and tingling, usually on the left side of my body. About 15 minutes into my run, my right leg went numb. When 3 years ago you had a dissection that you could have died from that presented as a migraine headache... it's hard to not become scared when "bizarre" things happen, that the medical community just calls "a complicated migraine" (as if my everyday migraines aren't...) I felt in that moment that I didn't even have running any longer. I'm TRYING to move forward with what I WANT my life to be about... and trying to find the motivation to workout and then even that taken away... well, discouraging isn't quite the word but it's close.
I know my friends here are frustrated and "just want me to get on with life already" (um, just to be clear, I would like that too)... but it's hard when the hits feel like they keep coming. Hard. I'm living on a 1/3 of the poverty rate, BUT every month, my bills get paid, I have food in my stomach, and I get new women to pour into, and a new life around me to discover and find out what I AM about, with no one else to immediately attend to. For the first time in a long time, it's me calling the shots. That's terrifying and yet freeing at the same time. God, where do you want me? What do you want me to be about? I'm NOT leaving this state just because things here are hard and I miss Colorado so much. I'm pressing into this loneliness because I know it will lead to fruit and that you are with me, in, through, and in spite of what I perceive as pain. You have led me to this place, and thank GOD for the faithful friends around me that aren't scared off by the things that continue to happen to me. I know it must be tough to continue to walk with me through more, but it truly means a lot right now. I love each of you for your steadfastness in this all. And Lord willing- I will learn more about me in it all and will look back fondly of these few months, knowing that I met God here, my R-rated prayers, endless tears and frank talks with God, knowing that He met me here, as He always does. I just want these lessons to go quickly so that I can move forward and feel something other than grief. Those emotions do exist, it's just been quite awhile since I've had the chance to feel them. And I will again. In that I have faith. It's just learning to be present that I'm not very good at, and maybe that's why it keeps coming up. So I'm learning to blossom where I'm planted (right now, that's Indianapolis), and make my life what I want it to be 5 years from now by laying the foundations for it and beginning the hard work of going after those things for myself and the life that I want and I believe that God has called me to here.
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