The view from my bed

I write this post from my bed. Again. I feel like I'm here more than most anywhere. This time it's because I'm sick and it's come with intense fatigue, and it takes even energy to get up out of my lofted bed and go to the bathroom. This is despair. I'm trying to do daily life with the constant pain of a headache, depression, a traumatic-brain injury and PTSD, and right now a broken heart and terrible pains & pressure in my chest. My "to-do" list is long, but I don't even have the energy to attempt any of them. I know this is a momentary set-back, but it feels like an eternity.

What feels almost immobilizing to me is that my body has become a personal battle-ground for Satan and God to duke it out, and that for some reason, Satan finds me a threat to the kingdom. I wish I could see the other side and know WHY. So I lay here in pain and pray for those around me to try and keep my mind off of myself. This is not who I want to be. I'm still fighting (when I have the energy) to become the person I do want to become. I want to be a person so wise in the Word and physically fit. I feel ineffective for the kingdom in my bed, so I pray for those who are out there getting to do the work in some way to join forces. But I want to be doing more. I know all the verses about letting myself get to this point, and know that only Jesus can pull me out of this and that there is nothing I can do on my own to change it right now, but I'm still saddened. My heart aches. For so many reasons.

This is not a pity party post, nor do I want your sympathy. Just pray that the season of loneliness is quick, and that some of the doors in the distance begin to open. I can see them, and it hurts that I don't see them opening yet. So I wait. And I pray. I try to be effective "out there" when I do have the energy- which seems to be seldom these days, but I refuse to push off until tomorrow when I can do today. Or use my commute to work or any other "excuse" from getting me to where I want to go. Yes, I have been dealt some slight cards. But I want to make the most of them and push into the pain to learn what I'm supposed to from this time. My circumstances do not change who God is, his goodness, his Holiness, his provision for me, even when I have so little to give back. I just need to remember all that as I lay in bed in pain. And that is my view from my bed today.
Love,
Amy Christine