"Permission"

Ever since my stroke, I have acted like I didn't want it to happen to me, change my world, or what happen(s) to me. Partly because I don't really have any "outward" differences now, the people around me (and even myself) truth be told, "forget" that I'm different now. EVERYTHING takes energy from me. My counselor back in Colorado described it as I now have a checking account. Every day tasks, like showering, going to the grocery store, talking on the phone, etc- all "cost" something. But sleep "refuels" most people. That's not the case for me anymore. So, what might be considered debits of every day stuff for most people and they get to refuel each night with restful sleep, I no longer get that luxury.

I was reminded of this painful metaphor to explain the why's behind why I am so tired day after day, and without at least 8 hours of sleep a night, I can barely function. I met Heather for lunch the other day. Heather was in the hospital for a rare fungal infection last year about this time for 2 1/2 months. She too, almost died. I KNOW God has something incredible for her as well. We worked at Spring Hill camps in Michigan together several years ago, but now she lives in Carmel, IN. Looking at Heather, you would never know anything had happened. Praise God.

However, listening to her story, I was painfully remind of my own journey of recovery. What I often dismiss to "get on with life now". How I'm forever "different" now. I think because I've "healed" enough on the outside, it's often a forgotten idea. Not that I WANT sympathy or an excuse, but just an understanding that, when I get a migraine and I'm stuck in bed (which, I seem to be here like 2-3 times a week these days), that it's understood that I'm here because my brain can't handle all of the input of the world around me. Maybe all of the frequent migraines are my brains' response to all of the input. I HATE admitting that there are things I can't do. Especially for something I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. Something that other people can do. Seemingly effortlessly. I just CAN'T anymore. It takes SO MUCH effort just to do "the basics" of the day. Add in trying to find a more meaningful job, juggling doctors appointments and my health, dealing with all of the things that are basically keeping me afloat right now (like SSDI and Medicare), working out to take care of my physical body, going to the chiropractor, trying to plug in with my church (I'm doing the welcoming team and serving in the nursery), and sorting through new diets (right now I've gone gluten-free to see if that's the part of the reason for my migraines, at least something I can control)...

Much of my life right now seems misunderstood, and I'm tired of being looked at as though I could do more. Having a part-time job and keeping these balls organized and in the air is well, about all that I can handle. Although I desperately want a more fulfilling job that actually uses my master's degree in counseling, I'm afraid that if I actually had a less flexible job right now, I won't be able to handle days like today, when I'm stuck in my bed, yet again. Maybe these days in bed are partially a reminder that I don't have it all together yet. I probably never will. That I still have healing going on. That I still need to ask others to help me with the daily tasks of life. Trouble is, I'm REALLY independent, so I won't ask. Which makes it all the more hard. But I know that I need help with things since I'm barely making it right now. So if you're good at an area that you see me struggling in, ask if you could do it for me or with me. I won't ask probably, but I'll try to be gracious in letting you offer to help me with it.

I'm thankful that Heather voiced that the common things that others take for granted are things that put her down for a few days. I've wanted to pretend that I'm more healed than that, and yet, it's the best explanation to what's going on with me right now. So that conversation acted like much more of a catalyst and "permission" of sorts to explain the why's behind why I'm tired so often. Thank you Heather for giving me words to explain it all. You are a God-send in my life!
Love,
Amy Christine