I turn 32 at the end of the month. This last week of December has always been something I've dreaded (and would rather just wake up after Christmas a year older and in a New Year) just because there is SO MUCH anticipation & hype from Hollywood about what those days are "to mean", and they never are, and I'm let down again, so I've stopped hoping for more. After 31 years, I'm stopping the cycle of secretly wishing for more, and being let down, yet again.
I've started to see a new counselor, Dawn. She's amazing. Today she had me in tears within 10 minutes. Crying is not the sign of a great counselor, but she has an almost prophetic gift. She has earned my trust, and I'm not afraid to open up to her, like I am most of the outside world. So today we discussed what has now become a personal challenge that I'm not going to back down from. (I've said it on here- so you get to hold me to it too!)
I've learned after trauma and trauma just to dig a hole deep and turn away from anything that might possibly be an outside resource to help me get out of what I'm currently in, which only in turn only feeds my depression. It's a MADDENING CYCLE, and I realize, it doesn't probably make any sense. I would strongly rebuke anyone for the self-talk I have with myself... but somehow think that I'm the exception, and it's somehow ok. It's not. I've put everyone else's needs far above my own for far too long now. It's exhausting to internalize my own projections of what others may think of me and have that fight internally in myself of "you're not doing it right" or "they are all confirming what they already think about you". I know those are lies. I try to rebuke them in Jesus name, and still, I'm tormented with that self-talk that kicks me while I'm down. I am my own worst enemy. I am not nice to myself, and wonder why anyone could ever be nice to me in return, ever.
I see myself only through the trauma's that have happened to me and the negative things around me, and have become a pessimist because I cannot imagine a life without the circumstances I am currently in. For WEEKS I have been angry and perplexed at God- "why didn't you hear my cries over the past 19+ months and give me a job where I could really give to others and not have to be so needy?" And now I see... this time is a gift. My needs, although tight, are provided for each day. Even with the CRAZY elimination diet's that my Russian doctor has me do (organic & practically Vegan and Gluten-Free and low sugar... yes, through the Holidays...) God has not abandoned me. He has given me the flexibility of a retail job to 1)provide for my daily needs and 2) still connect with some awesome people at my job, BUT 3) STILL very much need Him to intervene DAILY. I need Him to show me that actually, He is in charge and not a vending machine, where if I am "good enough" and "play by the rules" then He will give me what I have asked for. Who would have thought that my prayers would be answered by "not yet my Child". I've had some WACKED OUT MISPERCEPTIONS of who God is over the past 17+ years, and on the other side I always say to myself- "Really? You held that truth for how long? How was that serving anyone?" I have two Bible degree's but I'm so special still in how I sometimes view God. At the end of the day, He loves me just because He loves me. I don't have to earn it or deserve it. I love that I can keep coming back to that truth.
I read through the entire Bible a few weeks ago (well, the Jesus Storybook Bible for Kids) and I LOVE that they put God's love for us this way: "GOD LOVES US WITH A NEVER STOPPING, NEVER GIVING UP, UNBREAKING, ALWAYS". Even with two advanced degrees, I learned more about God in that book than I ever did in my classrooms. Because it was real truth that is meeting a raw heart ready to receive it finally. To change me. It's no longer about getting a degree or earning anything. So I'm not "starting over", but I'm giving myself permission to love me first. What I've been doing isn't changing anything, and I need to be whole before I can ever even entertain the idea of being in a relationship or really loving others well. I know that I need to learn how to love ME before I could ever really give anything away that’s genuine. So I'm calming myself down as everyone amps up around me for Christmas, and trying to remind them of the real reason for this season that we gather and celebrate. I am joyous this Christmas that HOPE was birthed. He has come. The one that never TIRES of my incessant whining delights in me. As is. And I am excited to throw off the conventions of the things around me that tell me I have to be or act --- way... Nope. So several of the things I thought I had already learned are coming back around. Self-care. Learning to listen to MY NEEDS (beyond just what I listen to for a headache). Saying that I AM worth it, from the food that I buy to how I take care of things that I own, etc. So this blog is morphing more into those insights. Of what I'm learning as I go.
Oh, and today's lesson at Zumba- I have the sculpted shoulders that could compete with a line-backer (they really are spectacular and I've done nothing). However, I also have the grace of a wild Rhino in a china shop. Always known this, but it was painfully clear tonight. So, I need to get out of my comfort zone and try new things... but with the grace of loved ones who will still love me even with that image.
This was another extremely long post (I'll try to post more often so they are not as lengthy in the future!) but here's to 2013 and my 32 years-- of learning to love and appreciate ME. Take care of me, and put my needs out there to be heard. To know that I am worth it. To learn to carry myself that way. And here is A SMALL BUT SO WORTHY SHOUT-OUT to my friends, family, and those around me that have already challenged me with these insightful thoughts and will continue to do so over the coming weeks. You don't know how MUCH that means to a weary soul like mine. Thank you for continuing to show me the love of Jesus in all that you do- with me, for me, and even in spite of me- know that it's appreciated. That is the hands and feet of Jesus in action. I learn from you all daily. Thank you! And with those lessons fresh on my heart, I am going to bed- for a day of beginning to settle into these new realities :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Grieving & Accepting
It's been over 19 months of searching for, applying, interviewing, and following up for jobs. I've applied to several jobs that even in the descriptions for them, I could see myself being very good at them. However, none of them have panned out. At all. I want to be an advocate for others. I went through a medically traumatic event, and was told that I might not live, then it was doubts if I would walk again, let alone do several of the things that I have surpassed and accomplished. Going back to school and getting my master's degree was 'out of the question' for the medical professionals I saw at the time of my stroke. Being able to go back, re-learn how to learn, and graduate- that was really difficult, but I finished. I am proud of the things that I have overcome and surpassed the 'knowledge' of those who thought they knew my future :)
I believed God wanted to use my story and my degree to give others hope that they too could accomplish things that the medical community was telling them they could not now do. On the outside looking in, this seems bizarre as a calling, but it get's me fired up and wanting to work on behalf of others. However, after over 19 months of the process and seeming to go anywhere but forward, I have not lost hope, but I'm giving up the process of searching for a while. It's exhausting. My body cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm just in the 'not yet' stage apparently.
One friend put it as it's almost 're-traumatizing' to stay in the process and never hear back. So I'm putting 'my search' on hold. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Other friends have pointed out that because this fall has been so hard on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and adjusting to learning this new diet, that 1) I probably wouldn't still have a job because no one would want to employ someone who's in bed 2-3 days a week with a migraine; 2)I've needed something 'lower stress' to adjust to this new lifestyle; and 3) having something as flexible as Starbucks, where I can ask a co-worker to cover and work later for them has been the perfect solution for these up and down days. So I'm grieving the loss of all the ideas of what I thought I knew about myself and God, and accepting that this is where I am. He has chosen to not heal me yet, and to not remove me from this place. Accepting that this very place is where God is most glorified, in my struggles and even in spite of them.
The sermon this last week at church was precisely about that topic, about how God spoke to the people of Israel in captivity to accept to this place of exile that they found themselves in during 587bc (Jeremiah 33). Jim called it the 587 moment. Through the combination of many friends advice and my own prayers, I'm holding off on searching for another job for awhile, and learning to let go of my anger at God for allowing different things in my life. I can't receive from Him if I'm really angry at him instead. I hate to even admit that, but it's the truth.
I talked with a good friend last evening some about this, and he pointed out Romans 9:20 (it was a divine conversation)"But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” I've had so many of those moments, about so many things. 'Why migraines and headaches? Why food allergies? Why the stroke and a TBI to now deal with? Why the sexual assault? Why several broken hearts and now living in the Midwest again? Why here? Why now?' I know I must sound like a whiney child, and grateful that he hasn't grown tired of my coming to him with these questions yet, but this verse served as a great reminder of my rightful position. I am not God. I do not understand His will. He has not forgotten me or made any mistakes. He will redeem all of this and even use it for His own glory. My counselor and I were talking yesterday about hating the winter, and she pointed out that even when it looks like nothing is going on, during the winter it is when the roots of the trees grow deeper, so it can withstand the wind and rains that come. So I am being obedient to the limited understanding I have of Him, and trying to remain open to where He might use me. All I know if for now, I surrender and I'm trying to remain moveable if He chooses to utilize me in that way. To all of that, I say Amen, and let it be. I'll try to be obedient.
Love,
Amy Christine
I believed God wanted to use my story and my degree to give others hope that they too could accomplish things that the medical community was telling them they could not now do. On the outside looking in, this seems bizarre as a calling, but it get's me fired up and wanting to work on behalf of others. However, after over 19 months of the process and seeming to go anywhere but forward, I have not lost hope, but I'm giving up the process of searching for a while. It's exhausting. My body cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm just in the 'not yet' stage apparently.
One friend put it as it's almost 're-traumatizing' to stay in the process and never hear back. So I'm putting 'my search' on hold. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Other friends have pointed out that because this fall has been so hard on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and adjusting to learning this new diet, that 1) I probably wouldn't still have a job because no one would want to employ someone who's in bed 2-3 days a week with a migraine; 2)I've needed something 'lower stress' to adjust to this new lifestyle; and 3) having something as flexible as Starbucks, where I can ask a co-worker to cover and work later for them has been the perfect solution for these up and down days. So I'm grieving the loss of all the ideas of what I thought I knew about myself and God, and accepting that this is where I am. He has chosen to not heal me yet, and to not remove me from this place. Accepting that this very place is where God is most glorified, in my struggles and even in spite of them.
The sermon this last week at church was precisely about that topic, about how God spoke to the people of Israel in captivity to accept to this place of exile that they found themselves in during 587bc (Jeremiah 33). Jim called it the 587 moment. Through the combination of many friends advice and my own prayers, I'm holding off on searching for another job for awhile, and learning to let go of my anger at God for allowing different things in my life. I can't receive from Him if I'm really angry at him instead. I hate to even admit that, but it's the truth.
I talked with a good friend last evening some about this, and he pointed out Romans 9:20 (it was a divine conversation)"But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” I've had so many of those moments, about so many things. 'Why migraines and headaches? Why food allergies? Why the stroke and a TBI to now deal with? Why the sexual assault? Why several broken hearts and now living in the Midwest again? Why here? Why now?' I know I must sound like a whiney child, and grateful that he hasn't grown tired of my coming to him with these questions yet, but this verse served as a great reminder of my rightful position. I am not God. I do not understand His will. He has not forgotten me or made any mistakes. He will redeem all of this and even use it for His own glory. My counselor and I were talking yesterday about hating the winter, and she pointed out that even when it looks like nothing is going on, during the winter it is when the roots of the trees grow deeper, so it can withstand the wind and rains that come. So I am being obedient to the limited understanding I have of Him, and trying to remain open to where He might use me. All I know if for now, I surrender and I'm trying to remain moveable if He chooses to utilize me in that way. To all of that, I say Amen, and let it be. I'll try to be obedient.
Love,
Amy Christine
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