It's been over 19 months of searching for, applying, interviewing, and following up for jobs. I've applied to several jobs that even in the descriptions for them, I could see myself being very good at them. However, none of them have panned out. At all. I want to be an advocate for others. I went through a medically traumatic event, and was told that I might not live, then it was doubts if I would walk again, let alone do several of the things that I have surpassed and accomplished. Going back to school and getting my master's degree was 'out of the question' for the medical professionals I saw at the time of my stroke. Being able to go back, re-learn how to learn, and graduate- that was really difficult, but I finished. I am proud of the things that I have overcome and surpassed the 'knowledge' of those who thought they knew my future :)
I believed God wanted to use my story and my degree to give others hope that they too could accomplish things that the medical community was telling them they could not now do. On the outside looking in, this seems bizarre as a calling, but it get's me fired up and wanting to work on behalf of others. However, after over 19 months of the process and seeming to go anywhere but forward, I have not lost hope, but I'm giving up the process of searching for a while. It's exhausting. My body cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm just in the 'not yet' stage apparently.
One friend put it as it's almost 're-traumatizing' to stay in the process and never hear back. So I'm putting 'my search' on hold. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Other friends have pointed out that because this fall has been so hard on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and adjusting to learning this new diet, that 1) I probably wouldn't still have a job because no one would want to employ someone who's in bed 2-3 days a week with a migraine; 2)I've needed something 'lower stress' to adjust to this new lifestyle; and 3) having something as flexible as Starbucks, where I can ask a co-worker to cover and work later for them has been the perfect solution for these up and down days. So I'm grieving the loss of all the ideas of what I thought I knew about myself and God, and accepting that this is where I am. He has chosen to not heal me yet, and to not remove me from this place. Accepting that this very place is where God is most glorified, in my struggles and even in spite of them.
The sermon this last week at church was precisely about that topic, about how God spoke to the people of Israel in captivity to accept to this place of exile that they found themselves in during 587bc (Jeremiah 33). Jim called it the 587 moment. Through the combination of many friends advice and my own prayers, I'm holding off on searching for another job for awhile, and learning to let go of my anger at God for allowing different things in my life. I can't receive from Him if I'm really angry at him instead. I hate to even admit that, but it's the truth.
I talked with a good friend last evening some about this, and he pointed out Romans 9:20 (it was a divine conversation)"But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” I've had so many of those moments, about so many things. 'Why migraines and headaches? Why food allergies? Why the stroke and a TBI to now deal with? Why the sexual assault? Why several broken hearts and now living in the Midwest again? Why here? Why now?' I know I must sound like a whiney child, and grateful that he hasn't grown tired of my coming to him with these questions yet, but this verse served as a great reminder of my rightful position. I am not God. I do not understand His will. He has not forgotten me or made any mistakes. He will redeem all of this and even use it for His own glory. My counselor and I were talking yesterday about hating the winter, and she pointed out that even when it looks like nothing is going on, during the winter it is when the roots of the trees grow deeper, so it can withstand the wind and rains that come. So I am being obedient to the limited understanding I have of Him, and trying to remain open to where He might use me. All I know if for now, I surrender and I'm trying to remain moveable if He chooses to utilize me in that way. To all of that, I say Amen, and let it be. I'll try to be obedient.
Love,
Amy Christine
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