What COULD have been

I've been reflecting as of late on how my life could have gone if just a detail or two were changed. It's scary, sobering, and awe-striking how many things could have changed, but I can honestly say now, that I'm thankful for the things that never materialized or came to be.

I realize that after several of my own circumstances, things could have played out VERY differently. I smile THANKFUL that none of my past relationships worked out actually now... because many of them we would probably now be divorced, with a few children and my ex-husband in jail. I'm still thankful to be MISS NIXON and not Mrs. _____. Most days at least. If I hadn't met the Lord in High School... well, a Christian undergrad to study YOUTH MINISTRY and a Master's degree from A SEMINARY wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I would have laughed at you for even mentioning such a thing. I would instead be a teacher or a nurse. If I hadn't crossed the ocean to go with Mercy Ships to West Africa (without knowing anyone before I went), I wouldn't have met some of my dearest friends that I still love to pray with and catch up today. Seeing some of the world's deepest povertys' and injustices would have not alarmed me as much to come back to the stark contrast we live with daily in America.

If my brain hadn't exploded (That's one of the times that I feel free to be graphic. Because it did.) then I wouldn't have SO MANY resources after at my disposal to help me try and navigate life now. Because, turns out, America isn't very friendly to someone with a traumatic-brain injury. Especially mine but then also achieving my master's degree in counseling, a profession based upon insight, discernment, and memory. If things had turned out differently, I wouldn't be here today, and would have died in my sleep. Try that line at a cocktail party :) If I hadn't moved back to the Midwest, I would have clung to the idea returning later to be closer to family once I had a family of my own. Trying handfuls of medication(s) to control my seasonal depression helped to show me that there isn't a quick fix for how depression presents in my body. Being sexually assaulted is a WHOLE mixed bag, and has been only slightly processed thus far still. His choice(s) resulted in his divorce and a criminal record, but those children will not daily live with thinking that it's OK to treat a woman the way that he did to me or his wife at the time. There was so much survivor guilt and shame (it's typical with assaults) but was compounded all the more so after my stroke, and recent relocation and grief of a break up. My chronic pain(s) have allowed me to have compassion on others who also have some sort of medical ailment, that the medical community has no idea what to do with. (Side note- it's incredibly frustrating to sit across from a doctor and have them tell you "We don't know why". My response is almost always internal of "then I shouldn't have to pay for today's visit, since you went to school for a dozen years and I still get to be a mystery" Ok, rant done.)

I know of a few people who have had a few similar circumstances in our lives, but we have reacted very differently to them. Usually, with most anything that I go through, I often meet someone with something similar around the same time. God often gives me the insight in interacting with them of "You know, it could have gone this way instead". This is not a "My way is right" post, but it is interesting to be able to see if I had made other choices- even in responding- to what has happened to me that has been out of my control, how things could be different. Both of the communities that I have gotten acquainted with from these two specific events- survivors of domestic abuse and strokes/neurological issues- I've had amazing insights since. Generally, those people are often still incredibly defensive, scared, wounded, shamed, and honestly- I think there may be a spiritual piece of control to the messages that keeps someone bound afterward. I'm grateful for God bringing along people that have patiently walked with me for the past 4.5 years and spoken TRUTH into my life instead and helped to correct the wrong beliefs I have held onto. Still, I realize that it's a spectrum and there is much that I still need to admit to and own up to, and more freedom to be attained yet.

As time enters the picture, giving me space from my traumatic events, I'm becoming more thankful for them. I always wanted "to be normal" (whatever that might be). Thoughts randomly pop up in comparison with others- 'well, what if SHE was fired, broken up with, assaulted, got a traumatic brain injury, were a medical anomaly, etc' then... This course of thinking is NEVER fruitful and just how Satan likes to distract me from the point of what I should be learning or responding. I didn't want to be different- for any reason or anything, even if it was a positive thing. Because I was gifted and smart. Because my brain was now rewired. Because I was a survivor of sexual assault. I don't want to flinch anytime I am alone with a man again. I don't want to be haunted by my past, afraid of those things happening again. But I'm thankful for the ticket to be able to enter in with people in similar situations and be able to proclaim hope instead. That it does get easier. That the night-terrors are real, but will diminish with time. That even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be able to speak with power to proclaim freedom for others someday. That the fact that they have survived is a rarity in and of itself to be proud of. Many, if not most, sink, cower, and shrivel up. I'm not a victim. I am a survivor.

Both events took things from me that were out of my control. But I am still here. I'm still fighting. Temporarily knocked down, and forever changed, but I'm excited and energized to speak about some of those painful things now. Still in small groups or with individuals, because admitting what happened in any format that is larger still feels shameful. That's something I can dig at in a later time. This is a spectrum of acceptance, and I'll get there. But the freedom that I have begun to experience is amazing. Life changing. Invigorating. Not that I at all wanted these things to happen to me, but I'm becoming more thankful that I've been changed because of them. It's part of what makes me unique. An overcomer. Differences to take pride in now. I'm thankful to be able to see what has happened to me as opportunities for God to enter someone else's story that I get to interact with. To be that conduit of hope. I always said that I wanted a testimony I could be proud of and that would speak with power- I just didn't realize that I'd have to go THROUGH tough times to get THAT story. I still have healing to accept. To allow the change(s). I'm not anywhere where close to where I can speak confidently of the things that have happened to me with the power I know God will someday have in them. But that's OK. I'm beginning to embrace the journey to acceptance. And my story is not scripted as anyone else's either, so the comparison games are useless. And with that, I pack most of my things to move in to my new apartment in the morning. I know that this is going to be an exciting year with lot's to learn!
With love,
Amy Christine

Redemption :)

I’m tearful again as I write this, as I writing from the cafeteria of the hospital that has given so much back to me. I was at Craig Hospital after my stroke in 2009, and relearned how to walk, talk, swallow, and began to think critically again after my dissection. 3.5 months in the hospital, 5 weeks that I can’t recall any longer- just gone.

I had a meeting here earlier this morning, and I’m going to see one of my favorite OT’s this afternoon, so I’m sticking around. When I was a patient here, I couldn't remember my breakfast from that morning. That remained true for about another year or 1.5, even being in graduate school. Beyond humbling to have to re-learn how to learn and go back to school (which used to come easy) and have it take everything to remain alert enough to concentrate on school. Anywhoo… I’m sitting at a table in the cafeteria today and people are walking by AND I REMEMBER THEM. THEIR NAMES. WHAT WE DID 4 YEARS AGO TOGETHER. They may have just drawn my blood or been a receptionist that I would walk past as I was relearning stamina with my stride again, BUT I REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE. That’s a big deal. I’m going to celebrate it.

There is a verse in Genesis 50 that has come to mind so many times in the last 4.5 years. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…” (Genesis 50:20a) It’s been humbling to talk with doctors that worked on me after my stroke or performed my surgeries and have them tell you “You should have died” or "If the stroke had happened even a fraction of a centimeter over here, you wouldn't be able to ____" That’s sobering. It has taken hearing it a few times of it for me to not sob when some medical professional says it to me again, usually while hold my scans of my brain. The scans that I have are truly a miracle. There are no other words. Even doctors who don't profess Christ tell me that. What Satan intended to harm me, has actually been utilized by God to turn around and let others see Him through my broken body. Again, humbling. Not how I would have done things. Not how I would have written the story. He’s using the broken and deep hurts within me to let others see Him at work.

Although there are bright spots of accomplishment over the last 4.5 years, it hasn’t been easy. At all. It’s been incredibly refining, humbling, and beyond hard. I've continued to push through- I'm not giving up since I've been given another chance at life itself. But little moments like being able to remember people at Craig today- that is totally needed as I’ve become weary with the chronic pains and my moves. I’m grasping for some stability in a land that often misunderstands what it is to live with a traumatic brain injury. I get the opportunity to live and prove their conceptions wrong. That's a big deal too. I don't take it lightly, but there are days when giving up seems like a much more viable option. But instead, I continue to ask God what else He would have me do. To let go of others' opinions and work for His approval instead. Just thought I would share the awesomeness of today's events with all of you! Much love from Denver :)
Love,
Amy Christine