He was with me

Ahhh. Yesterday was beautiful. I went to my EMDR session (SUPER intense counseling for you non-counseling-speak friends) to deal with my stroke and my attack. I've KNOWN there is more baggage to deal with under there, even if I try and shove it away and "not deal with it". Since that in-turn affects my health... I've said it's finally worth the investment of digging some crap up. Let's face it- buried emotions are cancerous and eat at you, your health is one of the first things affected. People RARELY see that connection, and I'm becoming much more aware of how my health goes (food, emotions, weather- they ALL affect it!) So it's been time to deal with some of the stuff that I've KNOWN is still in there. Thankful for the resources of time to do so right now!

While at EMDR yesterday, my counselor had me imagine my Posey bed (literally a mesh tent thing that I was zipped into while in bed- at night and for naps) and imagine myself in that state with my eyes closed and holding these buzzing paddle things used in EMDR work. I was Frail. Broken. Without a voice. Scared. Having NO SAY of much of anything that was happening to me. I asked Jesus where He was in the midst of all of it. I started SOBBING when He showed me He was with me IN that zipped up tent, holding me. One of my favorite moments of the day was after a shower then was to be wrapped in a warm blanket (if I ever win the lottery, that's one of the FIRST things I'm buying. HEAVEN!) and He showed me He was even surrounding me with His presence IN those warm blankets. This wasn't a "I want some reassurance so I'm going to tell myself these things to make myself feel better move"; this was God SHOWING me- "Daughter, I WAS THERE. This is HOW. Seeing you in pain hurt me too. But I WAS THERE even in the midst of it, even when you couldn't see, feel, or acknowledge me. BUT I WAS THERE." Tears just streamed down my face. I needed that visualization. That reminder and picture of where He was. I KNEW He was in my heart, but seeing where He was during the crazy-up-in-the-air months made me relax and recall some of the good moments in the hospital and how He was IN THEM. Sigh. So many years and months fretting over how I thought I was alone. Tears when I realized I was NOT.

We'll get to the attack eventually- that'll probably be in a few weeks yet. It's amazing how things you've held on to for YEARS can be dropped in a moment after a revelation like that. I'm grateful for it's releasing from my body, mind and memory. It hasn't been good for my health, outlook, how I've seen myself, and continued to move through life! AHHH! I can breathe again!
Love,
Amy Christine