Harsh words

I was recently challenged by a video from an online mommy hero of mine, and it has pierced my heart for the last few weeks. She asked her fellow interviewees some of the things that they "tell" themselves about ourselves, our performance, who we are, etc. She then explained how we wouldn't dare ever think those things about our sisters, friends, whomever, but it seems "justified" somehow to think them about ourselves at present. Then she brought out pictures of these women from their childhood. These adorable pig-tailed, toothless beauties who were so innocent and full of wonder, and the women couldn't tell those things about their 'current' thoughts to their little selves either. The challenge made its point beautifully. I am my HARSHEST critic. Not only should my ducks ALL be in a row, but I should weigh 20 lbs less, always be adorable in my fashion choices, be thriving in my career and utilizing the Grad-School education that I'm still paying for, our step-kids should highlight all of our success as parents, our blended family should never have any issues or flaws- but get along perfectly, I shouldn't be in pain (ever, about anything), my house should be immaculate and always clean, any medication I take should work by-the-book as well as my body (which always plays by the rules of western Medicine) our finances should be awesome, our life at church should be thriving and excelling, our marriage (all 16 months of glory) should be publish-worthy... pretty much, we shouldn't have any flaws and life should look like a pintrest dream. I'm not allowed to have bruises or struggles. However, that idea is so far from the truth of my reality. The "Shoulds" of life are what get me down the most. Because my life is so far from the dream I had in my head, and I struggle to accept and admit that 1) I don't have my ducks even in the same pond 2) Life is just H.A.R.D. all around 3) Where I thought I should be or what I should "have" seems so far from the reality I wake up to each day at 3am because I can't even sleep through the night right now. This is a hard season. I know it won't last forever. I know I serve a faithful God who provides for His children, least of all Hope for His faithful.

So I brought a picture of me from my childhood to illustrate Kristina's point to my work (where I sit for 9+ hours of the day with these crazy thoughts and beat myself up). In this particular picture, I have cut my own bangs. The night before pictures. My mom did a decent job of trying to disguise it for the photo though. But I am so awestruck and innocent about life- which seems like an eon ago from the struggles of adulthood. Before daily headaches and migraines. Before Graduate School. Before a devastating stroke. Before bills. Before marriage. Before blending a family. Before a sexual assault. Before debt. Before doctors had all but given up hope on a body that didn't play by the rules that they were taught in medical school. This little girl is precious. She is exactly what Proverbs 139 talks about when being "Fearfully and wonderfully made" but I so EASILY I forget that thought when I tell myself the lies life should look a certain way and I should be a certain way way by now. I struggle against this reality I am instead surrounded in, and against the dream I have made up of how life should instead look. I can tell my friends & co-workers those things of truth and call out the crazy of their thoughts so quickly, but myself... that's a different issue. I'm trying to get that back into alignment right now instead, and it's my biggest struggle at the moment. Let's hope that this experiment from Kristina helps my focus and speaking truth that I so desperately need to hear in the now. May it encourage you to do something similar, because it is so much harder to say those crazy lies to our younger, adorable, toothless selves, which are still us, just not the years of harsh reality layered their silly burdens upon to think that life has to be a joy-less, duty-filled struggles of tasks and survival. May the pictures of our younger selves remind us of hope for today and that there is a God who wants us to abandon the to-do lists and Trust that He has a plan- it just may not look like the one we had aligned in our heads of shoulds and rules...