My anniversary...

Today is bitter-sweet. I talked with my BFF on the phone last night, and she thought a better way of putting it instead of "I shouldn't even be here" is: "I'm very grateful to be here"- which both are true. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I'm constantly reminded of that. There have been so many things I have been wrestling with lately. My social-cultural book keeps bringing up people who are disabled and after talking over the events with a friend of mine (who had a stroke in 2004) we both are wrestling now with our own self-concepts and thinking about ourselves as "disabled" (cognitively disabled). My careers professor pointed out yesterday that were all disabled in some capacity or another- it's all on a spectrum. Divorce, illness, homelessness, searching for a job, being in a wheelchair- how are we going to approach the matter as counselors and helping professionals? How is this going to impact how I see or view myself? I went out to dinner a few weeks ago with some good friends, and the husband has had to be more guarded with his time and letting "needy" people suck the life out of him. I resonate with that idea too. Since quitting my job in December, I feel that way as well- everything is harder for me after my TBI and I wish it wasn't. School, reading, writing papers, working, spending time with people- just everything- and I HATE THAT. That shouldn't be what life or this season is about. I'm in school for the helping profession- I want to help people, not be selfish with my time! I just need this season to still be about me and about my healing, and about getting better, because I've been given a second chance, and I want to do well with it after all. There is so much I could complain about but in all reality, I'm thankful to still be here. I got a text this morning from a friend and he said the anniversary should be called "Happy that God has helped me make it through the tough times". Amen indeed. :)

My first non-Caring Bridge blog

What a year. As I think back to what has happened to me in the last year, the sky-high medical bills, fights with insurance (and what could have happened if I hadn't had insurance because I "hadn't thought it necessary" a year ago- like anything "bad" was going to happen to me?), having to relearn how to do EVERYTHING, being poked and prodded, being treated like a child in the hospital and once I got out, having every test under the sun run on me, having LOT'S of questions and even less answers, the frustrations that come with an unknown TBI... well, it's frustrating to say the least. I shouldn't be here. Plain and simple. I'm forever grateful for some VERY special people in my life, and if the stroke has taught me anything, it's given me a new appreciation for life and the loved one's I have around me because they are very, very special.

The stroke taught me to slow down- so I'll be graduating a year later than expected and I don't have a job right now. And? As my grading assistant in my careers class pointed out- this is the only time in my life where I can "milk" the "I'm a graduate student" excuse- so I'm using it. And I don't care what people are going to think of me. Whatever. If they are going to judge me- they don't know what I've been through in the last year and what I've had to go through. Not having a job and fighting with people on the phone is pretty much a full time job in and of itself. Here's to life- just reinvented and improved. This Thursday will be my one year anniversary, and I'm still unsure of how to feel about it. A friend has the same injury date, just in 2005, and his Mom says "Happy Anniversary". He's paralyzed now from the naval down... not really something to celebrate... so we'll see on Thursday. My "one year" celebration dinner is Saturday night- and I want to go out with the special people here to know that I love them because they have stood by me through all of this drama. Those are my random thoughts for today, thanks for following along on my new site! :)
Love,
Amy Christine