Starting to become more of an introvert

Today we had a huge downing house picnic and got to put the name of a lot of people that I've heard of with their faces. Then I went to city park to meet my old PT and hear "Jazz in the park". I used to be an off the charts extrovert, and now- people just tax me and take energy that I don't have. That totally didn't used to be me, and it's hard for me to say "I need to go home and go to bed" because I want to be with the people- I just don't have the mental energy to be there with them anymore. That feels selfish to me, especially since I'm going to school for counseling but I've been realizing, if I'm not healthy and putting me first- then I won't be able to concentrate on my clients or their issues, so in a back-handed sort of way, it's for my career as a helping professional to learn to take care of me as I journey through school. Friends of mine have asked- is this 'fatigue' thing new? No, I think it's been there since the stroke, but I'm just learning the words to put with the feeling. For so many years I just pushed through my migraine pain because of school or whatever, but I'm learning to live with a brain injury is totally different, and as I get this degree, I not only want to apply the classroom learning but the life learning that comes along with it to how I live out my personal life. So, no, it's not new, I'm just learning to put the words that I've been learning about into practice in my own life. The fancy term for it is 'self-care', and that's never been something I've been good at, but it's something I want to get better at. So taking a lighter load with courses and really applying myself in my courses is important for me. And those are my thoughts for this evening. And I'm going to apply this to my life by going to bed now! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Reflections after meeting with Jolene and unpacking

I met with my wonderful counselor earlier this week, Jolene, and every time, she just kicks me in the butt. In a good and healthy way. In a way I can receive it, hear the words, apply the message, and have it make sense. It's so great to be with someone who GETS IT (the brain injury thing) and I don't have to work at explaining why I haven't been drinking but I'm slurring my words at 3pm in the afternoon. She's also had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and is single later in life, so we just get each others mindset in a lot of ways. It's really refreshing to have her explain her perspective and take on me before my stroke and what it is like being in my presence now. It's incredibly validating to have someone else notice the leaps and bounds of progress I'm (trying and attempting) to make along this journey. We both agree that this Amy has always been here, but a lot of the defense mechanisms that I used to use with other people to have them agree with me or try to outsmart them are diminished now, so I get easily flustered and frustrated. This typically happens when I can't get someone to follow my logic to see why they are in the wrong or why my way of doing something is easier or better for example. Take anything that a normal person does: it takes me twice as long to do. Take that book that you read before bed last night- twice as long. That paper- also twice or three times as long. I'm incredibly grateful to still be here, but when I get honest, I don't even want a remedy or a healing- I just want a cure, as if this hadn't had happened at all. It's so incredibly frustrating to have to sleep so much, fail tests in school, be pushed aside by friends, and deal with so much red tape and pain on a daily basis and then looked at like no one understands because they don't. It's incredibly isolating, especially alone. Not that having someone else with me here would make this easier, but at least there would be someone else in the process to go through it with me.

I unpacked some stuff last night from a challenge Jolene gave me, and since I had lived out of boxes for over a year, I really didn't think it had much merit. I was wrong. My head can think better. I actually have a place where I can come back to and call HOME. It's been 17 MONTHS since I could say that. Gosh, I've missed that feeling. She was right. I needed to unpack some things and actually have a place to come back and write papers and BE MYSELF at. Pictures and stuff aren't fully up yet, but I purchased the stuff today and I'm hoping to do that tomorrow after I help throw a baby shower for my friend Tara and read for a class.

love,

Amy Christine

Stupid Fatigue

When I get honest, the hardest thing for me to grapple with right now is finding the balance between being a diligent student and what God has called of me in that arena, and learning to take the cues from my body- which has NEVER been my strong suit. Ever. For years, I've just pushed through the pain of my migraines and said- oh well that I have pain- I have __ test or __ paper to write, so that needs to come first as a priority. In learning to take care of myself and as our school's program has deemed it "self-care"- I need to be able to read my body and take a nap (and not feel guilty) when I need the rest. That is incredibly beyond humbling for me because of the 1000 other things that I should be doing instead eat at me while I try and lay down and it is incredibly frustrating. To try and turn your over-active brain off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon because your body is just craving sleep because of over-stimulation is beyond difficult. Now that I'm not drinking caffeine (headache specialist's orders) it has become all the more important to learn to read those cues. I just got up from a nap when I should have been studying for a theology final (which I need to be studying for now and take this evening) and trying to push those thoughts of not doing the right thing by sleeping this afternoon is so hard. This trying to live in the balance and find this path in the tension on my own in the dark is so incredibly hard and I wish there were words to better describe what it has been like. Frustrating and difficult start to come close but aren't quite there.

I've gone to a support group on Tuesday nights of other Young Stroke Survivors (20-40's) and I've loved going, but I'm humbled that I'm one of the better progressed survivors there without anything visible from the outside that anything is wrong. Last week I admitted to them that I wanted a wheelchair or a "flag" that would make people know that something is different about her. Not having a flag is something that I daily have to contend with in struggling to let others know what is going on with me or what is different about me now. Just another thing to add to the list of things that are different about me now, and I'm learning to be OK with that. This is the New Me, take it or leave it- it can't easily change anymore.