Stupid Fatigue

When I get honest, the hardest thing for me to grapple with right now is finding the balance between being a diligent student and what God has called of me in that arena, and learning to take the cues from my body- which has NEVER been my strong suit. Ever. For years, I've just pushed through the pain of my migraines and said- oh well that I have pain- I have __ test or __ paper to write, so that needs to come first as a priority. In learning to take care of myself and as our school's program has deemed it "self-care"- I need to be able to read my body and take a nap (and not feel guilty) when I need the rest. That is incredibly beyond humbling for me because of the 1000 other things that I should be doing instead eat at me while I try and lay down and it is incredibly frustrating. To try and turn your over-active brain off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon because your body is just craving sleep because of over-stimulation is beyond difficult. Now that I'm not drinking caffeine (headache specialist's orders) it has become all the more important to learn to read those cues. I just got up from a nap when I should have been studying for a theology final (which I need to be studying for now and take this evening) and trying to push those thoughts of not doing the right thing by sleeping this afternoon is so hard. This trying to live in the balance and find this path in the tension on my own in the dark is so incredibly hard and I wish there were words to better describe what it has been like. Frustrating and difficult start to come close but aren't quite there.

I've gone to a support group on Tuesday nights of other Young Stroke Survivors (20-40's) and I've loved going, but I'm humbled that I'm one of the better progressed survivors there without anything visible from the outside that anything is wrong. Last week I admitted to them that I wanted a wheelchair or a "flag" that would make people know that something is different about her. Not having a flag is something that I daily have to contend with in struggling to let others know what is going on with me or what is different about me now. Just another thing to add to the list of things that are different about me now, and I'm learning to be OK with that. This is the New Me, take it or leave it- it can't easily change anymore.