Christmas time!

I already posted about my visit to Indianapolis and how I'm heavily leaning to moving there after graduation in May and one more fabulous summer in Colorado to enjoy the sunshine and not having a serious job or being in school. Just that thought makes me so freaking excited. A lot to get through these next few months first, but I think I deserve some time off after everything that went down 22 months ago and all that had to change in my life because of it.

My trip to MI with my family was wonderful and enlightening. As always, my family went overboard with presents that was too much. Our time together of playing games and cards was important and I continue to yearn for that as I am away in Denver studying once again. There is so much on my plate of things to do in the next few months. I have to complete my internship, and much to my surprise, my hours have come much easier than I thought they might. I have to take my comps, which is my comprehensive exam of everything I have learned over the last 3.5 years. Minor interruption in the hospital last year, and as I have picked up the study guide, I’ve looked at some of the material from classes from my first semester in the program. Yeah, stuff from development and theories from Spring 2008... Wow. Please come back to me.

So now I'm back in Denver, my last night of my 20's, and I have a ton of unpacking and reorganizing to do for the next few weeks. This has always been a very reflective time of year for me. What great things happened in the last year? What not so good things happened? What do I want to have continue, and what needs to be cut out? Things have been especially reflective for the past two years with my near-death experience, and I don't think I will ever be the same. The 25th will never be a normal day for me, although the last two months it has come and gone without me having to dwell or think about "It's been ___ since the stroke". I saw friends from high school when I was back in MI, but I didn't know who knew and who didn't know about the stroke, so I didn't bring it up either. It actually didn't come up very much, which was kind-of a relief. Since I don't look any different, there is nothing to "tip" anyone off that things are any different with me, and I wouldn't know how to talk about it if they did bring it up, so I just remained silent about it. I think for sooo long I've just been deceived by the lie that it has to be the first thing that people notice about me and it makes me "defective" (Which I'm accepting is in fact a lie) that it's nice to hear that it's NOT the first thing that other people notice about me or how they view me. My massage therapist Shellie (who Ive been going to for 7 months) mentioned right before I left "Is that your scar?" when massaging my neck. I told her it was, but was surprised that it was the first time that she had felt it. Once again, I've thought she had for all this time, but that's part of believing the lie. The stroke has radically altered my life and where I was headed, for the better. I like things better now. Life comes with a LOT more challenges living with a TBI, but my recovery story is atypical and I'm very thankful for the life I have now and where I think I might be headed instead. I'm incredibly lucky and ever so grateful. I want to live from that gratitude and thankfulness every day since I've been given a second chance. I want others to see that gratitude lived out within me. I have a LOT to be thankful for. So those are my thoughts on the eve of my last night in my 20's. Thanks for continuing to follow along!
Love, Amy Christine

Going to Indianapolis

I couldn't WAIT to write this blog post. Anticipation kept building within me as I was driving back to MI today. I'm just so freaking excited! I drove down to Indianapolis for a few days because I was so close (it's just under a 4 hour drive from my parents house in Lansing) and since I had a burden for the city, I figured I would check it out. I lived there after my undergraduate years at Indiana Wesleyan University, from 2003-2005 on the northern part of the city. I lived with Tara, and when I saw her today, we reminisced about how sweet and naive that time in life was. We spent that time dreaming, praying, and seeking God's face as to what the journeys that lay ahead for both of us. It was there that I got the call to go to Africa with Mercy Ships, and she got the call to move to Colorado and be a part of a church plant (both from the church we were going to at the time) which I later joined up with about 8 months later.

Driving down there on Monday, so many thoughts and emotions circled my head. What was it going to be like? What had changed in the 5 years I had gone? Would I remember anything? The anticipation kept on building, and I felt gidy, like I was a little kid coming HOME. Driving around town was so exhilarating, because I REMEMBERED where things should be?! For someone who usually can't remember what they ate for breakfast that day to remember where grocery stores should be from when they lived there 5 YEARS ago was fantastic and so confirming! I have NO IDEA what lies ahead for me there, but I have a place to start looking for jobs come graduation. That's a start?! I told a friend last night over coffee that I'm not naive enough to think that people and the place hasn't changed at all in 5 years--I know it has, and preparing myself for some of the ways that it will be different in advance will hopefully set me up for some of the unexpected changes when it comes time to start over there. Even finding a new church- my old church is still there, but it has changed a lot in the past few years just like I have, so I'm prepared to go church shopping again. He affirmed my thinking ahead in this process :) I've already promised myself that I will enjoy a few months off from both work and school to enjoy one last beautiful Colorado summer before I move back to Indianapolis and look for work. Work will be my life for the next 30 years, so I need to enjoy this rare time in life with no responsibilities. For now, I can just dream and think of the things that I still want to do in Colorado while I live there, and think about where in Indianapolis I want to live and what I want to be a part of this new chapter in my life. Not a naive dreaming, but a prayerful, purposeful approach to this next step that is still very much unknown. But I have a place to start looking. Thanks to Erik, Rachel, Cam, Mila, Amanda, Matt, Danny, T-Rock, the Lott's, and my Colorado family for being excited with me and dreaming about this next chapter with me. So that's my pre-Christmas update for everyone about my thoughts on this next chapter! :)

Amy

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

I met with Jolene yesterday, and as always, she kicked my butt. I just appreciate her insights. She mentioned how my new learning of boundaries is somewhat like the Parable of the Ten Virgins from Matthew 25. I think the old Amy would have said in response "Sure, you can have some of my oil, or in fact, just have my lamp and go see the bridegroom" but as I'm learning new boundaries, I'm learning how to say no to things that are not healthy to me and what to say yes to. Pretty much, I'm learning how to have a spine. I have learned that other people need to be prepared and take the consequences of their actions (or in-actions) and that I'm not responsible for their consequences. I'm learning that it's ok for me to say no to them and let them learn, that I want to see the bridegroom and that it's ok for me to go see the bridegroom because I planned ahead. The insight was amazing for me last night. I needed that. Not just someone to realize how hard I've been working on boundaries, but a Biblical example of someone beginning to assert themselves and take care of themselves, and it be ok and honored by God. I've been reflecting on that parable and thinking about it since she said it yesterday, and it makes a lot of sense. The New Amy is one of the one's who was prepared, and now would tell the other five the same answer that we see in the text. That's not harsh, but realistic and actually show more love because others need to learn how to be accountable to their actions.

I'm feeling more and more like the Old Amy, which is AWESOME! My memory is starting to return (though there are some memories that I wish would have stayed forgotten), reading is taking me less amounts of time (but still way too long for someone in graduate school!), and I am beginning to learn how to take care of me in the midst of this chaos that we call life, boundaries, self-care, using my skills of the past from waiting tables to aid me in serving at the DH, living off a very meager budget and becoming creative with ways of making things... each new day is a day for me to come across things where I can realize where I have come from and what more opportunities lie ahead of me. I like this new Amy better. It's taken me a lot of time and effort to accept that this is just the way things are right now. For 6 more months of grad school, things are this way and not liking it isn't going to change anything. After I graduate, I have no idea what I'll be doing, but a trip to Indianapolis next week might bring me some clarity. Right now, I'm just open. Pray for me next week when I go look at Indianapolis, that I'll just have clarity to see things and possibilities if they are there. I just want to remain open. Thanks for continuing to follow along 21 months later. This journey of recovery is harder than I ever thought possible. But you've helped me by your support, encouragement, and just staying with me throughout it all. Thank you.
Love, Amy Christine

Judgmental

I went to church tonight with my roommate Meg, and the message was exactly what I needed to hear. The Pastor, Jay, preached from Luke 7:36-48. I realized during this message that I have been like the woman sooo much in my life- forgiven much for my past, my mistakes, all of it- it's washed away and He has made me new. Cognitively, I know that. In my heart, I have become like Simon, and cunningly judgmental and I hate it. How can someone who has been forgiven so much turn right around and cast judgment upon others? If I'm going into a helping field for a career, how can I without an agenda listen to others and what they are going through without sizing them up? I realized how much more of Jesus I need in my life. I need Him to remove that entirely from my life, and to be my ears and eyes as I listen to others. I wish in my brain surgeries, they had removed that filter of sizing other people up. Apparently, it's something I need to surrender to the Lord. My fears, my insecurities, my future, my momentary lapses of sizing other people up or expecting them to act ___ way... it's a useless game and I'm ashamed to say it's come back to me. I hate it about myself and my behavior. Of all the things that have been ripped away from me in the past two years and the things that I have gained back, this is an area that I wish never came back. It serves no purpose, and is useless. Tonight's message came with conviction. I don't want to do this with my thoughts anymore. To anyone. I know how much I've hated it when others have expected me to act in ____ way because I was ___, so it has to be irritating to be on the other end of that judgment too. If I've hurt any of you with that behavior, I'm sorry. That's not who I really am, and I sincerely apologize. Let me know if I have hurt you, and I promise, I really am trying to get better. I don't really know how to change, but I know the way that I have been acting and treating others in my life is not what I want to be know for, so I'm sorry. I know changing will involve laying things down and submission, but beyond that, It's going to take a miracle. And those are my raw and vulnerable thoughts for tonight.
Love, Amy Christine