I went to church tonight with my roommate Meg, and the message was exactly what I needed to hear. The Pastor, Jay, preached from Luke 7:36-48. I realized during this message that I have been like the woman sooo much in my life- forgiven much for my past, my mistakes, all of it- it's washed away and He has made me new. Cognitively, I know that. In my heart, I have become like Simon, and cunningly judgmental and I hate it. How can someone who has been forgiven so much turn right around and cast judgment upon others? If I'm going into a helping field for a career, how can I without an agenda listen to others and what they are going through without sizing them up? I realized how much more of Jesus I need in my life. I need Him to remove that entirely from my life, and to be my ears and eyes as I listen to others. I wish in my brain surgeries, they had removed that filter of sizing other people up. Apparently, it's something I need to surrender to the Lord. My fears, my insecurities, my future, my momentary lapses of sizing other people up or expecting them to act ___ way... it's a useless game and I'm ashamed to say it's come back to me. I hate it about myself and my behavior. Of all the things that have been ripped away from me in the past two years and the things that I have gained back, this is an area that I wish never came back. It serves no purpose, and is useless. Tonight's message came with conviction. I don't want to do this with my thoughts anymore. To anyone. I know how much I've hated it when others have expected me to act in ____ way because I was ___, so it has to be irritating to be on the other end of that judgment too. If I've hurt any of you with that behavior, I'm sorry. That's not who I really am, and I sincerely apologize. Let me know if I have hurt you, and I promise, I really am trying to get better. I don't really know how to change, but I know the way that I have been acting and treating others in my life is not what I want to be know for, so I'm sorry. I know changing will involve laying things down and submission, but beyond that, It's going to take a miracle. And those are my raw and vulnerable thoughts for tonight.
Love, Amy Christine
thanks for your vulnerability! funny that you wrote about this....just the other day i was thinking - as i often do being a stay-at-home mom with no adults around :) - about this exact stuff. about how my past, which is ridden with sin and disgust and ugliness is forgiven, gone - then i have a thought about someone who lives the lifestyle that i once lived - and immediately i was convicted. how could i judge others? just because i am a different person, although still with much sin, doesn't mean i am above any other.
ReplyDeletejust a quick note to say i was convicted of the exact same thing this week....we are in this together. and, i'm sure we're not alone!