Indianapolis

I should be writing a paper for my class on Wednesday right now, but instead, I'm blogging. This has become quite routine for me lately. Something important to do for class= put it off and procrastinate by doing something that COULD wait and do that instead. So I'm blogging and journaling and crying to get it all out and process it all tonight. I started to write something else here instead, but decided to just journal about that. Here, I'll talk about something else that is tearing me up lately.

Indianapolis has been on my heart for about a year and a half and there just feels like something is unfinished there (I lived there after my undergraduate experience for 1.5 years). It's closer to my family, and if I was going to move and resettle after Seminary come May, it would make a lot of sense. Closer drive to my family (unlike the 18+ hours now), not fighting with 100-200+ people for a job in the mental health field job, a new start, old acquaintances, a city that (used) to be familiar, and a nagging feeling in my stomach that there is something to still attend to there. BUT, as I've started to get pieces of my independence back, there has been something beautiful that has awakened in me. Maybe it has been living in community. Possibly learning self-care for myself personally and professionally. Maybe my internship. Possibly getting pieces of my independence back. Something has risen up within me in the last few months especially that I am not ready to let go of, and honestly, I'm afraid if I leave Denver in May, it will somehow nullify all of the growth that has occurred in me since moving out here 5 years ago.

Who could have known what would come my way when I made that decision? My heart broken, several times for several reasons. Starting graduate school, and all of the hours I have lost to studying and being a hermit for school. A unexplained and unexpected stroke that made me fight for all of my independence back and has left devastating effects after to still daily deal with, even if they can't outwardly be seen by others or explained. Continual migraines. I thought they might get better with the altitude but they haven't. More medical mysteries. I still am a medical anomaly and so beyond tired of not getting any answers or explanations beyond "We just don't know". Really, because you went to Medical School for about a decade, so one of us should have answers. Just saying... Oops, looks like my frustrations are coming out again. So I'm torn. Think of me December 20-22, that's when I'll be visiting Indianapolis, figuring out what might be next. I need guidance. I know a lot of people will have their advice or what I should do, but there's really only One person's opinion that really matters in all of this. And those are my thoughts right now instead of writing that paper. :)
Love,
Amy Christine