Statistics

I had my 4th emotional breakdown in 4 weeks over statistics today. I feel like an emotional basket case. Before my stroke, I wasn't any good with computations. Since the stroke, it's literally like they just removed that part of my brain. SO FRUSTRATING to be doing the exact right formula but still not get the right answer because of my chubby fingers and the calculator, or my brain for not understanding what the heck is going on. Z scores, correlation coefficients, your mom scores... I'm being tutored in this class by a wonderful friend Rosie who actually understands the material (and without her, I don't even want to think of where I would be right now), but I sit there with her and just cry when my math doesn't come out right. So humbling! My brain and what I am able to remember or not remember since the stroke continues to get me teary-eyed because I remember how well I used to remember things. Now if it's not written down, I won't remember it. Period. That's probably one of the biggest struggles that I've had post-stroke is trying to survive in a world that revolves around the memory, and to have those deficits. To try and explain it to other people who still have their memory is useless, so I've stopped trying. When I broke down today with my instructor for the class, he was super empathetic and understanding. It was still humbling to be with my professor and explain to him that I don't grasp the concepts now (and I don't know that I would have pre-stroke either!). 4 more weeks of this class left, one of our thanksgiving break, 2 for the actual class, and then our final exam. This isn't a pitty post of "look at how hard I have to work now", but rather just a venting of my life and it's struggles now. This is my normal. Everything is a struggle, and nothing is something that I take for granted anymore because I've had to work so hard at gaining back. And that's my random thoughts for tonight!
Love,
Amy Christine