Reclaiming hope

Within 24 hours this last week, I went to 2 different doctors that I had been looking forward to seeing for months, a general practioner that came recommended to me a few months ago during my EEG, and a neuro-psychologist to talk about my stroke with. Both left me in tears, and were fantastic. For over three years, I've lived with WAY MORE questions than answers, and gotten used to doctors just throwing pills at me because they don't know what else to do with me since my body won't play by the rules they were taught in school...

So Monday I met with Dr. Fox. Loved her. I had already sort of established myself with a doctor in Carmel, but something still told me to go get a second opinion on everything yet. I think when I had lived in Indianapolis in 2003-2005 I had seen someone in the 'Community' network, so she was able to she my prior notes from then as well, including my immunization records from when I went to Africa in 2005. When I had the stroke in 2009, I was on birth control, but can't even remember the name of it now, and it was only to help with the cramps I had every month. They never put me back on anything, and when I have to return to something someday when I'm married, they'll put me on an hormone-free IUD. I guess there are risks associated with them. Again, I should have gone to medical school for all that I've had to pro-actively learn myself in the last few years. She actually asked me questions about my family, the medications I was taking then and now. Though she didn't come out and say anything definitive and still wants to do further blood work, she hypothetezied that maybe my liver couldn't fully process the medications I was on and with the immunizations my immune system was weakened, with the history of cancers in my family there might be something more genetic to look for, and the combination of it all especially with the migraine medications just became the perfect storm in my body. I broke down. A 31 year old woman crying in a doctors office.

I have had weekly doctors appointments, and added it up yesterday for taxes, and just last year alone, spent over about $7,500 in medical crap. That is absolutely ridiculous. I'm relatively healthy, but come ON!? The relief that she offered me with just a hypothesis of what it could have been was... I can't even express it in words. Sure, it won't change anything now, it happened, but just to know WHY. I trust God. I do. But I still want a medical explanation of why it happened and why I'm always in pain. She looked at my sinuses and I told her that I've had chronic sinus problems and headaches since 3rd grade. She said they were inflamed and it could be due to dairy. Since I've done radical diets before and I'm in such pain all the time, I asked how long it would be until I noticed a difference, thinking she'd say a few weeks. 3 MONTHS. Middle to end of June. No creamer. No cheese. No milk. No ice cream. Back to reading labels for everything. Dr. Fox gave me hope in telling me and shifting my focus from something I've seen myself as over the last 3 years and told me a new truth- YOU ARE NOT A MEDICAL ANOMALY. YOU A JUST A PUZZLE. I can deal with that. A puzzle can be solved. I walked out of her office for the first time in three years with HOPE. I cannot express how GOOD that feels. So I'll do this dairy-free diet until the end of June if it means less pain.

24 hours later, I was sitting with Dr. Bigelow in her office, the neuro-psychologist. She looked at the scans that I had done a few months ago here in Indiana. She pointed to her screen and the picture of my brain and pointed to the section of frontal lobe that is now missing and said "if they had removed the section just a few centimenters over, you would have no speech. If it was over here, you would have no comprehension." Instantly bawling again. The pain and reality of the last three years have sucked. Royally. Getting my migraines and daily chronic headaches back in the fall of 2009 was one of the worst days of my life because the fear of "seriously, I have to deal with THIS again?" Looking at that screen with her was a small glimpse into the sovereignty of God. It was if He was saying, yes, I know this was not something you would have chosen for yourself. But even in that, I made sure that you were taken care of. She also said to me "for you to have made this much recovery so quickly is truly remarkable". All I could say in response was that there was someone looking out for me in this. So I feel like I have Hope again. So we'll see what happens with all of this. Hoping and praying for more answers from these new doctors, and feeling like they are a God-send right now. Sorry this was mostly a doctor-ish update, but that has mostly been my life for the last three years, so here's a glimpse into my life for real :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Shame

I know I've acted like I'm tough before, but today was a hard day, for so many reasons. I had to tell my bosses at work (2 of 3) about my stroke and chronic headache pain, and even though "I did nothing wrong", there is still SO MUCH SHAME that comes with it. It's unexplainable. For the last 3+ years, I've lived with SO MANY lies and doubts over SO MANY things, thinking that I was inadequate and that I somehow did something wrong or to deserve some of the things that have happened to me... well, it just becomes an old, broken, worn out record after awhile. I hate it.

Doctors and their appointments, medications, living as a medical anomaly, living in a cage behind a mind that seems to malfunction and just yearning for your glorified body already, constantly feeling misunderstood by everyone that surround you... well, you tend to doubt yourself. A lot. Even if you try to portray yourself as a confident, single 31 year old female. Nope, most days, just a facade. I'm afraid. I feel like a shell of what I used to be or even my potential, and I'm yearning to get back to that person. I will not live as a victim, but I have been victimized, yes. Which is why I don't let anyone get close to me. I hide. I cower. I stay busy to try and not think about it all. Now with my intense job in every area, I can't focus on me and my own mess, which has it's own pros and cons. So I'm learning to take care of me in the midst of a world that doesn't make sense today, and I'm not sure when it will again. I refuse to give up Hope because that's all I have left, so I am clinging to it for dear life. With this new job, I need to start working out or having a place for all of my pent up aggression and frustrations to go, since working with Autistic children makes so little sense to me yet. And this entry probably made little sense, but those are my thoughts tonight, or emotional vomit if you will. Thanks for still following along :)
Love,
Amy Christine

My mess is in process of becoming my message

I have been going to a sexual assault survivors group that meets on Wednesday nights, and it has been incredibly healing for me. To find other people that have also had to live through trauma's that they didn't ask to deal with and for an hour and a half, have a safe place to come, cry, scream, whatever- and not feel like I'm burdening people by talking about my baggage... well, it's truly freeing. There is a couple that both went through childhood trauma's, and they shared this quote last week and it brought me to tears. I think for so long I HAVE LET MY PAST DEFINE ME that to have the world as my oyster now and to, in many senses, create new opportunities for myself, well, it's scary and freeing and so many things. This quote is thought provoking and I hope it makes you think just the way it did for me last week =)

Your past doesn't define your present or imprison your future. What happened then doesn't have to happen now. You decide today what your life is going to be. Your present and future are in your hands and your hands alone. Don't let whatever happened in the past hold you back from living your life now or later on. Let it go. Those scars, nightmares, and traumas that hurt you so badly, don't give them anymore power to hurt you. You are stronger than they ever could be. You are so much more than they could ever be. Please don't let them overshadow your beauty or your right to a better now. We all have things in the past that haunt us, but we have to choose to let it go and move on because we deserve to live in the now. We are worthy of a bright future. Run towards it and never look back.

It's rare, but every now and then, I'll get in a conversation and actually allow myself to not be the listening ear and answer some of the questions, which is beyond hard for me. I don't like the answers that I give because I'm still figuring out how to answer them and not have it be a total shock "since I look normal" (whatever that even means). Guess what. Even "normal looking" people have crap to deal with. We all do. it's part of being human. Move on.
I just loved that quote and wanted to share!
Love,
Amy Christine