Shame

I know I've acted like I'm tough before, but today was a hard day, for so many reasons. I had to tell my bosses at work (2 of 3) about my stroke and chronic headache pain, and even though "I did nothing wrong", there is still SO MUCH SHAME that comes with it. It's unexplainable. For the last 3+ years, I've lived with SO MANY lies and doubts over SO MANY things, thinking that I was inadequate and that I somehow did something wrong or to deserve some of the things that have happened to me... well, it just becomes an old, broken, worn out record after awhile. I hate it.

Doctors and their appointments, medications, living as a medical anomaly, living in a cage behind a mind that seems to malfunction and just yearning for your glorified body already, constantly feeling misunderstood by everyone that surround you... well, you tend to doubt yourself. A lot. Even if you try to portray yourself as a confident, single 31 year old female. Nope, most days, just a facade. I'm afraid. I feel like a shell of what I used to be or even my potential, and I'm yearning to get back to that person. I will not live as a victim, but I have been victimized, yes. Which is why I don't let anyone get close to me. I hide. I cower. I stay busy to try and not think about it all. Now with my intense job in every area, I can't focus on me and my own mess, which has it's own pros and cons. So I'm learning to take care of me in the midst of a world that doesn't make sense today, and I'm not sure when it will again. I refuse to give up Hope because that's all I have left, so I am clinging to it for dear life. With this new job, I need to start working out or having a place for all of my pent up aggression and frustrations to go, since working with Autistic children makes so little sense to me yet. And this entry probably made little sense, but those are my thoughts tonight, or emotional vomit if you will. Thanks for still following along :)
Love,
Amy Christine