My pain. It's a constant. It's something that I've simply tried to accept, even with ALL OF THE MONEY and things I've tried to a) make it disappear b) lessen in intensity and frequency. I smile so often because I hate to talk about, and hope that this will just leave people believing all is well with me instead. Those who really know me no longer believe this, and know it's part of my "pretend all is well game". Migraines and daily headaches have been with me for 12+ years. I lamented online earlier this week about this, and a super wise friend who has suffered for 13 years pointed out that if it WASN'T for my chronic pain, I would not know the depths that others can suffer themselves. It's opened me up to a level of compassion and empathy for others that can't be faked. I have become SO MUCH more understanding of other's who deal with chronic pain. It's an empathy that really only can come from dealing with that refining fire yourself.
This is NOT something I would have asked for (but, then again, do we ever ASK for things that are hard?) God has been, and continues to be glorified, through this. It's all I can ask from it really. I've asked for healing and somehow a "cure"... and I still sit here, 12+ years later. Nothing has changed other than they have grown more intense (much more even post-stroke), and I've grown weary and tired with trying thing after thing that makes me think that they could really be gone. And yet... they are still here. No cure or miraculous healing yet. Daily headaches and migraines a couple of times a week. Fear with any "abnormal" one's since that is how my stroke presented itself, and I try not to give in to the hysterics that can overwhelm in the moment of "It's going to happen again". I've almost become a paranoid hypochondriac. Some might say for good reason, but others might call me looney. So I stay hidden in my cocoon and avoid talking about my pain or fears, and burrow my head further into despair. I've lost the hope that things might actually get better, and yet, it just makes me yearn for my glorified body. A world with tears, pain, or fears. It is coming. And to that hope I cling.
I've recently become mildly obsessed with a song writer named Jason Gray. He is real, authentic, and expresses what I'm dying to scream through his music. It's somewhat creepy and erie how right on he has been. I have listened to this album on constant repeat in my car, with many of the songs becoming anthems that I sing out to Jesus (it's a good thing I usually drive alone!) Somehow the words seem somewhat more removed since they were 'authored' by someone else, regardless of how they capture my own emotions. There is one song in particular (video and lyrics below) that has just resonated with me lately. It makes me tear up most of the time. Because of it's honesty. I know there will be a day when I'm not stuck in this valley, but for now, these words just come from a deep place of hurt within and have become my prayer back to God. I almost forget days without deep heartache and chronic pain, and of restful sleep and a more fulfilling job. Most of my days now are filled with creatively dreaming about how to make the most of the meagerness I have currently, and longing for a world without my present circumstances.
I told my pastor last week that I'm coming to accept that God has placed me here in Indiana. I've asked for something different- a different location, job, life... and yet, He hasn't opened the avenues to get me anywhere else. So, I'm doing the "Joy Dare" by Ann Voskamp (Her Book: 1000 Gifts; http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/) to become grateful for the life I have RIGHT NOW. Not my dreams. Not my wants. My right now. It's been GREAT. 3 times a day she asks you to ask the Lord for 3 gifts/insights, and then I journal at night about what I see around me from that. It's been amazing. From the outside, this isn't even the part of the city that I wanted to be in. This is NOT the life I would have chosen or written. At All. And yet, I'm here in my house until the end of July. So, Lord, show me things THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME that I can praise you for. Amen.
So the song below is the song "Without Running Away" by Jason Gray. Many days, to be honest, I WANT TO BOLT FROM THIS PLACE. As if all of my problems are because I am residing in Indianapolis. False. This song depicts the internal battle for me well right now. The pain. The anger. The searching for meaning in a world that simply doesn't make a lot of sense to me anymore. Maybe it never has. And that's ok.
I've spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
Where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more
It's not like I'm trying
To be optimistic
If the truth be told
I'd rather dismiss it
Be free of the burden
Of living that hoping requires
To bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
Jesus is speaking
But it's so hard to hear
When disciples with swords
Are cutting off ears
Broken and bleeding
Waiting for healing to come
But wounded's a part
That I've learn to play well
But the wound may run deeper
Than I know how to tell
Where pain's an addiction
That keeps me buried alive
When it's all that I know
I'm afraid to leave it behind
And bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with it's mother is my soul
After a while in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
And the shadows you'll find
A hand you can trust
The still small voice
That calls like the rising sun
Come, bring your heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
You must run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The life I thought I was to have...
So, I just turned 32, pretty uneventfully (thank goodness). Several things have been on my mind from this year's Christmas-Birthday-New Year roller coaster of emotions and reflections that always seem to hit me. I think the biggest thing that I have been mulling over are the live(s) that I thought I was going to lead, and yet, the story that I see unfolding before me that I NEVER could have dreamt up, even in my wildest imaginations. If you had told me even 4 years ago that THIS was going to be my life right now, I would have told you that you were hallucinating.
Varying from a Southern belle married to a youth pastor with a thriving inner-city ministry; to a missionary living overseas to a powerful attorney for the sex-slavery industry; to a Midwest wife trying to balance so many complications... I let all of 'what is not' go. So here I sit, as I write these thoughts today. I am a single woman at 32, and the life of being a wife and a mother to 7 boys has yet to materialize. Just the absurdity of that thought now gives me a headache. I live on the Near East Side of downtown Indianapolis, and with the majority of gray days that this state has, it makes my depression and mental health even more to battle. I so often feel abandoned by God in this humid and flat state [which against the backdrop of the Rockies, often feels like a sick joke]. It is one that I have to force myself to cling to the Hope of the 'Not Yet' in the Promises of God. I still deal with chronic pain in my joints, my head, all over really, and I don't have the finances to go after the journeys toward health that I would like. And yet, I have tried so very many avenues to feel better, including chiropractic, working out strategies, wacky diets, dozens of western medicines, and healing prayers. This is nothing like I had imagined for myself. Still, I await my glorified body. Maybe that is what these aches and pains are meant to remind me of... a life without pain that I have yet to live.
Still, God has been good, and He has given me opportunities to live with families to try to see what my life could be like if those 'dreams' had happened after all. I shudder at the thought of it having actually happened. God truly does know what's best for me... and although I believe He is sovereign enough to make all things work together for good because I would be seeking Him through it... Apparently, this is actually the most Glorified that God can be right now. Apparently, He sees that a woman who's overcome all of the odds thrown at her after a severe stroke and now living with a traumatic brain injury with all of my health complications is the best way to live. This chronic pain, these migraines, this super stretched budget, all of these 'Not Yet's' surrounding me... I would have written it differently though. But He never asked my opinion on that.
But daily, I ask for God to open my eyes to ways that I can be His light. If I was being honest... I don't want this life. I KNOW my life is a miracle, but everything that has come with my life now post-stroke... It's hard to say that I'm grateful for the roller coaster. But I WANT to want it. I'm asking for ways of God showing me that what I have right now IS GOOD, and I wouldn't want what it is that I have thought God has been answering my prayers in the lives of my friends instead. So I'm choosing ways of making things intentional- with my family, my friends, my church, my job, what I spend my money on, etc. I'm seeking counseling and it has been incredible for me. Dawn has been like a prophetess in my life, being able to speak tenderly to me and I can hear the voice of the Lord when we are together. She has quickly earned my trust, and I am excited for what we are going to learn together in the coming weeks. I don't like talking, but with her, because she is so wise to discern and listen- it comes rather easily. She has a rare gift to be present and to truly hear. I've needed that. And I have a few key friends, that are patient with me and can remind me to just have fun and not be so serious all the time. I don't like serious Amy all that much, so it's nice when they encourage 'Silly Amy' to come out and play. I think that's why I like baby-sitting so much- because I get to be reminded of how carefree life can be! So, I joyfully rejoice with my friends who are getting married or having babies, because I can see God's outpouring of blessings in that for them. But I just know that for me, it is a 'Not Yet' answer. Not a No, but a 'Not Yet', for there are still things that I need to learn to appreciate about myself for any of that to happen for me yet. So for now, I am being intentional and trying to remain open for what God may be up to, even if I don't understand it all yet. And that is okay.
Love,
Amy Christine
Varying from a Southern belle married to a youth pastor with a thriving inner-city ministry; to a missionary living overseas to a powerful attorney for the sex-slavery industry; to a Midwest wife trying to balance so many complications... I let all of 'what is not' go. So here I sit, as I write these thoughts today. I am a single woman at 32, and the life of being a wife and a mother to 7 boys has yet to materialize. Just the absurdity of that thought now gives me a headache. I live on the Near East Side of downtown Indianapolis, and with the majority of gray days that this state has, it makes my depression and mental health even more to battle. I so often feel abandoned by God in this humid and flat state [which against the backdrop of the Rockies, often feels like a sick joke]. It is one that I have to force myself to cling to the Hope of the 'Not Yet' in the Promises of God. I still deal with chronic pain in my joints, my head, all over really, and I don't have the finances to go after the journeys toward health that I would like. And yet, I have tried so very many avenues to feel better, including chiropractic, working out strategies, wacky diets, dozens of western medicines, and healing prayers. This is nothing like I had imagined for myself. Still, I await my glorified body. Maybe that is what these aches and pains are meant to remind me of... a life without pain that I have yet to live.
Still, God has been good, and He has given me opportunities to live with families to try to see what my life could be like if those 'dreams' had happened after all. I shudder at the thought of it having actually happened. God truly does know what's best for me... and although I believe He is sovereign enough to make all things work together for good because I would be seeking Him through it... Apparently, this is actually the most Glorified that God can be right now. Apparently, He sees that a woman who's overcome all of the odds thrown at her after a severe stroke and now living with a traumatic brain injury with all of my health complications is the best way to live. This chronic pain, these migraines, this super stretched budget, all of these 'Not Yet's' surrounding me... I would have written it differently though. But He never asked my opinion on that.
But daily, I ask for God to open my eyes to ways that I can be His light. If I was being honest... I don't want this life. I KNOW my life is a miracle, but everything that has come with my life now post-stroke... It's hard to say that I'm grateful for the roller coaster. But I WANT to want it. I'm asking for ways of God showing me that what I have right now IS GOOD, and I wouldn't want what it is that I have thought God has been answering my prayers in the lives of my friends instead. So I'm choosing ways of making things intentional- with my family, my friends, my church, my job, what I spend my money on, etc. I'm seeking counseling and it has been incredible for me. Dawn has been like a prophetess in my life, being able to speak tenderly to me and I can hear the voice of the Lord when we are together. She has quickly earned my trust, and I am excited for what we are going to learn together in the coming weeks. I don't like talking, but with her, because she is so wise to discern and listen- it comes rather easily. She has a rare gift to be present and to truly hear. I've needed that. And I have a few key friends, that are patient with me and can remind me to just have fun and not be so serious all the time. I don't like serious Amy all that much, so it's nice when they encourage 'Silly Amy' to come out and play. I think that's why I like baby-sitting so much- because I get to be reminded of how carefree life can be! So, I joyfully rejoice with my friends who are getting married or having babies, because I can see God's outpouring of blessings in that for them. But I just know that for me, it is a 'Not Yet' answer. Not a No, but a 'Not Yet', for there are still things that I need to learn to appreciate about myself for any of that to happen for me yet. So for now, I am being intentional and trying to remain open for what God may be up to, even if I don't understand it all yet. And that is okay.
Love,
Amy Christine
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