So, I just turned 32, pretty uneventfully (thank goodness). Several things have been on my mind from this year's Christmas-Birthday-New Year roller coaster of emotions and reflections that always seem to hit me. I think the biggest thing that I have been mulling over are the live(s) that I thought I was going to lead, and yet, the story that I see unfolding before me that I NEVER could have dreamt up, even in my wildest imaginations. If you had told me even 4 years ago that THIS was going to be my life right now, I would have told you that you were hallucinating.
Varying from a Southern belle married to a youth pastor with a thriving inner-city ministry; to a missionary living overseas to a powerful attorney for the sex-slavery industry; to a Midwest wife trying to balance so many complications... I let all of 'what is not' go. So here I sit, as I write these thoughts today. I am a single woman at 32, and the life of being a wife and a mother to 7 boys has yet to materialize. Just the absurdity of that thought now gives me a headache. I live on the Near East Side of downtown Indianapolis, and with the majority of gray days that this state has, it makes my depression and mental health even more to battle. I so often feel abandoned by God in this humid and flat state [which against the backdrop of the Rockies, often feels like a sick joke]. It is one that I have to force myself to cling to the Hope of the 'Not Yet' in the Promises of God. I still deal with chronic pain in my joints, my head, all over really, and I don't have the finances to go after the journeys toward health that I would like. And yet, I have tried so very many avenues to feel better, including chiropractic, working out strategies, wacky diets, dozens of western medicines, and healing prayers. This is nothing like I had imagined for myself. Still, I await my glorified body. Maybe that is what these aches and pains are meant to remind me of... a life without pain that I have yet to live.
Still, God has been good, and He has given me opportunities to live with families to try to see what my life could be like if those 'dreams' had happened after all. I shudder at the thought of it having actually happened. God truly does know what's best for me... and although I believe He is sovereign enough to make all things work together for good because I would be seeking Him through it... Apparently, this is actually the most Glorified that God can be right now. Apparently, He sees that a woman who's overcome all of the odds thrown at her after a severe stroke and now living with a traumatic brain injury with all of my health complications is the best way to live. This chronic pain, these migraines, this super stretched budget, all of these 'Not Yet's' surrounding me... I would have written it differently though. But He never asked my opinion on that.
But daily, I ask for God to open my eyes to ways that I can be His light. If I was being honest... I don't want this life. I KNOW my life is a miracle, but everything that has come with my life now post-stroke... It's hard to say that I'm grateful for the roller coaster. But I WANT to want it. I'm asking for ways of God showing me that what I have right now IS GOOD, and I wouldn't want what it is that I have thought God has been answering my prayers in the lives of my friends instead. So I'm choosing ways of making things intentional- with my family, my friends, my church, my job, what I spend my money on, etc. I'm seeking counseling and it has been incredible for me. Dawn has been like a prophetess in my life, being able to speak tenderly to me and I can hear the voice of the Lord when we are together. She has quickly earned my trust, and I am excited for what we are going to learn together in the coming weeks. I don't like talking, but with her, because she is so wise to discern and listen- it comes rather easily. She has a rare gift to be present and to truly hear. I've needed that. And I have a few key friends, that are patient with me and can remind me to just have fun and not be so serious all the time. I don't like serious Amy all that much, so it's nice when they encourage 'Silly Amy' to come out and play. I think that's why I like baby-sitting so much- because I get to be reminded of how carefree life can be! So, I joyfully rejoice with my friends who are getting married or having babies, because I can see God's outpouring of blessings in that for them. But I just know that for me, it is a 'Not Yet' answer. Not a No, but a 'Not Yet', for there are still things that I need to learn to appreciate about myself for any of that to happen for me yet. So for now, I am being intentional and trying to remain open for what God may be up to, even if I don't understand it all yet. And that is okay.
Love,
Amy Christine
Amy, if you only knew how close to home all of this hits for me. Most of the things I wanted: to be a life-time pastor, to travel, to have few things holding me down, to be financially independent, to have consistency- have been so elusive it's maddening. I look at other people who have them, seemingly don't apprciate them, or didn't really try for those things I get so envious. The easiest thing to lose is hope.
ReplyDeleteMy friend and mentor, Tom Clegg (www.tomclegg.com) sent me a quote from Henri Nouwen: "Daring to stay open to whatever will come to me today, tomorrow, two months from now- that is hope."
We think if we do good things we get good things- in essence that we can save ourselves with behavior. This is a lie. It rains on the just and unjust... and He is still God.