My pain. It's a constant. It's something that I've simply tried to accept, even with ALL OF THE MONEY and things I've tried to a) make it disappear b) lessen in intensity and frequency. I smile so often because I hate to talk about, and hope that this will just leave people believing all is well with me instead. Those who really know me no longer believe this, and know it's part of my "pretend all is well game". Migraines and daily headaches have been with me for 12+ years. I lamented online earlier this week about this, and a super wise friend who has suffered for 13 years pointed out that if it WASN'T for my chronic pain, I would not know the depths that others can suffer themselves. It's opened me up to a level of compassion and empathy for others that can't be faked. I have become SO MUCH more understanding of other's who deal with chronic pain. It's an empathy that really only can come from dealing with that refining fire yourself.
This is NOT something I would have asked for (but, then again, do we ever ASK for things that are hard?) God has been, and continues to be glorified, through this. It's all I can ask from it really. I've asked for healing and somehow a "cure"... and I still sit here, 12+ years later. Nothing has changed other than they have grown more intense (much more even post-stroke), and I've grown weary and tired with trying thing after thing that makes me think that they could really be gone. And yet... they are still here. No cure or miraculous healing yet. Daily headaches and migraines a couple of times a week. Fear with any "abnormal" one's since that is how my stroke presented itself, and I try not to give in to the hysterics that can overwhelm in the moment of "It's going to happen again". I've almost become a paranoid hypochondriac. Some might say for good reason, but others might call me looney. So I stay hidden in my cocoon and avoid talking about my pain or fears, and burrow my head further into despair. I've lost the hope that things might actually get better, and yet, it just makes me yearn for my glorified body. A world with tears, pain, or fears. It is coming. And to that hope I cling.
I've recently become mildly obsessed with a song writer named Jason Gray. He is real, authentic, and expresses what I'm dying to scream through his music. It's somewhat creepy and erie how right on he has been. I have listened to this album on constant repeat in my car, with many of the songs becoming anthems that I sing out to Jesus (it's a good thing I usually drive alone!) Somehow the words seem somewhat more removed since they were 'authored' by someone else, regardless of how they capture my own emotions. There is one song in particular (video and lyrics below) that has just resonated with me lately. It makes me tear up most of the time. Because of it's honesty. I know there will be a day when I'm not stuck in this valley, but for now, these words just come from a deep place of hurt within and have become my prayer back to God. I almost forget days without deep heartache and chronic pain, and of restful sleep and a more fulfilling job. Most of my days now are filled with creatively dreaming about how to make the most of the meagerness I have currently, and longing for a world without my present circumstances.
I told my pastor last week that I'm coming to accept that God has placed me here in Indiana. I've asked for something different- a different location, job, life... and yet, He hasn't opened the avenues to get me anywhere else. So, I'm doing the "Joy Dare" by Ann Voskamp (Her Book: 1000 Gifts; http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/) to become grateful for the life I have RIGHT NOW. Not my dreams. Not my wants. My right now. It's been GREAT. 3 times a day she asks you to ask the Lord for 3 gifts/insights, and then I journal at night about what I see around me from that. It's been amazing. From the outside, this isn't even the part of the city that I wanted to be in. This is NOT the life I would have chosen or written. At All. And yet, I'm here in my house until the end of July. So, Lord, show me things THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME that I can praise you for. Amen.
So the song below is the song "Without Running Away" by Jason Gray. Many days, to be honest, I WANT TO BOLT FROM THIS PLACE. As if all of my problems are because I am residing in Indianapolis. False. This song depicts the internal battle for me well right now. The pain. The anger. The searching for meaning in a world that simply doesn't make a lot of sense to me anymore. Maybe it never has. And that's ok.
I've spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
Where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more
It's not like I'm trying
To be optimistic
If the truth be told
I'd rather dismiss it
Be free of the burden
Of living that hoping requires
To bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
Jesus is speaking
But it's so hard to hear
When disciples with swords
Are cutting off ears
Broken and bleeding
Waiting for healing to come
But wounded's a part
That I've learn to play well
But the wound may run deeper
Than I know how to tell
Where pain's an addiction
That keeps me buried alive
When it's all that I know
I'm afraid to leave it behind
And bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with it's mother is my soul
After a while in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
And the shadows you'll find
A hand you can trust
The still small voice
That calls like the rising sun
Come, bring your heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
You must run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
No comments:
Post a Comment