Tears streamed down my face on my drive back to Indianapolis yesterday afternoon. One may think it was because I just left my family and beautiful little niece behind. Which was part of it. But this song (below) came on the radio. This song has played at many instrumental times in the last few years. As I was driving, this song echoed the cry of my heart. The lyrics are incredibly powerful. For someone who deals with multiple chronic pain(s) that have YET to find a resolution... this became my prayer & anthem as I drove back to Indianapolis. I could barely place my hands on the steering wheel because it literally felt like I had razor blades for bones covered by flesh. And I'm not being dramatic. And with our roller coaster weather, it also triggered amazing throbbing in my head. As it was down-pouring and I was *trying* to keep my car on the road with wipers that hardly work, I just let the tears come. I really AM usually a good driver- but this particular afternoon with all of these variables... I haven't had an episode that severe since I had a panic attack WHILE driving in college. Needless to say- I just thankful God was once again, watching over me.
Kutless- Even if
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come
That's SO HARD for me to swallow. THAT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T COME... He is still good. Somehow, He's more glorified IN MY PAIN than by somehow relieving it. If I'm being honest, that makes me angry and wonder an awful lot about God. Satan just needs me to doubt God's goodness even just a little. 12 years of migraines. 22+ years of chronic daily headaches. This horrific arthritis feeling since the fall, after I have had gluten or the barometric pressure drops. It makes me want to RIP my skin off, as though that might solve the aching. So instead I just pop more pills and feel more and more like a pharmacy. I lay in bed many days and just cry, because the tears are the only way I can find even a little release. It doesn't change the pain, but simply is the only way I've found to deal with it. The pills, the doctors visits, the question(s) that come with this... it feels like a broken record of whining. And I hate it. So I usually shut up because I hate hearing myself whine on about it, again. I "pretend" like all is fine. But it's not. And I hate talking about it because it makes me feel even more like a freak and anomaly. So I suffer in silence (except I can let it out on here because it doesn't feel as much like I'm complaining about it "since I'm not talking verbally about it all").
Even if. Regardless of how God CHOOSES to act in my life- healing or living with this all and then receiving my glorified Body someday (which I feel like I've earned it now!) does NOT change WHO GOD IS! Possibly this living in chronic pain has taught me to become more compassionate to those who live with chronic pain themselves, and to become more empathic to those suffering from "hidden illnesses". I can't say that I would have had this attitude years ago- even 4 years ago before my stroke, or before living in Indianapolis and becoming more mindful of the food I injest and it's affects upon me. We really are what we eat in so many ways. I'm thankful for the opportunity to start to realize how true that statement really can be. So for those of you who suffer with arthritis, migraines, or any other myriad of "hidden" ailments- I get an iota of what you may be experiencing daily. Maybe it takes getting something personally to experience the roller coaster of emotions that comes with having this to bear as well. So I'm stopping my pity party for myself in this and the maddening quest for answers, and realizing that what is currently is my reality. No offense, but I'll probably "brush you off" if you ask me to my face because that's become how I handle it all- pretend like it's not happening. If God chooses to super-naturally heal me, that would be awesome. However, it's been a maddening quest to try and find answers. So I'm dropping my quest and becoming ok with what is my current reality for now. That's not giving up, but rather peacefully accepting with the hand that I have at the moment to try and keep SOME sanity in my life currently. Just even having this outlet to write about some of my trials is a weight off of my shoulders to release it and start to process it. If you're still reading along after my processing of the not-so-pretty parts of my life, thank you. That means a whole lot!
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
What's next?
So, some radical changes have come my way in the last week. I was terminated from my job last Monday. I'm scared of what is next, but I've also walked with God long enough to know He is always faithful. It just stinks when it was your dream job and something you had prayed from for so long to have it ripped away from you without warning. My physical health has been a nightmare again, and I've been in bed with pain in my muscles and joints to the point where even getting out of bed is a task, and the weather didn't help things last week either. I've gotten to reconnect with a few friends and a few to come yet that I'm really excited about because of what we shared, even 9 years ago- to watch that come back to life just over coffee again. Friendships that don't change are the stability that I need right now.
There's been something on my heart ever since I heard about it, and in talking things over with some of my pastors, think it could be a GREAT step in my faith. There is a 'Kingdom Living Training School' offered through our church, and it runs from August to May (9 months). It's part time, but it's all about learning to become intentional with a small group of people and learn to discern God's voice. There are about a half-dozen trips that are taken together as well.
I have "all the education"- I've been to a Christian university and Seminary- which I LOVED and grew so much in my faith because of. I've done a similar program before- Segue- aboard the Anastasias in West Africa with Mercy Ships (which was so challenging for me and helped me to pray more fervently for Missions efforts). However, I have not been stretched like this in several years. I had my stroke in 2009, and for a long time after, was trying to sort out what it meant to be a stroke victim. After some WISE people surrounded me, I substituted 'victim' for 'SURVIVOR' and began to shift how I viewed the event in my life. I was told that I should have died, but instead survived. That's sobering at 28. Then shortly after my move to Indiana, I was sexually assaulted. I carried all of those lies & shame around for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong or somehow to deserve it, very much a victim mentality. I've viewed myself as broken, wounded, in need of fixing... and while that is true to some extent, I've had to shift instead to a stance and belief in myself THAT I AM INSTEAD A SURVIVOR. That's not to say I wasn't victimized by what happened to me, and I frankly wish they had never been- I liked some of the road I thought I was headed on. However, it's a mind-shift of perspective to look at life and yourself differently, to be able to speak of what has happened to you with confidence, and not to think that you are somehow being singled out or forgotten. Somewhere, along the path of the last 4 years, I've lost 'who I really am' to hiding behind the labels and performance of pretending that life is OK.
I'm simply applying to this school, while also looking into other job leads and considering other options. I'm just being obedient in applying right now. However, so much needs to happen in order for me to do this. I'll need a flexible part-time job. A more dependable car (mine will not make it through another Midwest winter). A new place to live. And I'll need to raise $3,200 by August. If this actually happens, I'll continue to only make my monthly bills and such through God's sovereignty. Again, that's sobering when so much around us tells me that 'I should have something more stable by now' or 'if I appear this recovered, then surely I should be able to ____" I want a big girl job. I want to do what is in my heart to do for others. I know God has a purpose for sparing my life 4 years ago and will continue to use my story- all of it. However, I'm afraid to admit that I may have lost 'me' somewhere along the way. In many rational ways, going to this school may look like I'm taking a step backwards, after having my master's degree- getting a part-time job so that I can learn more about myself and God, and I would have to fund-raise again (which is nerve-racking for anyone living on support!) But I'm confident that God has put this on my heart for a reason, and maybe there are things that I need to learn about Him and myself before I can step more fully into what God might have for me here. There is so much about Indiana that I just want to run from and things that haven't worked out the way that I envisioned them, and retreating back to Colorado seem(ed) like my best option. However, running away from this would be continuing that victim mentality and continue to perpetuate it. I don't want that to be me and the life I live. If something opened up in Denver, I would totally pray about making the move, but I'm not actively looking for opportunities at this point anymore.
So that's my current update. I'm sorting and processing through a LOT, and trying to discern what might be next for me. Thankfully, I know Whose hands this all rests in. He will make it happen if I am supposed to be there come August of this year. Thanks for continuing to follow along and love me through the web friends :) You all are wonderful!
Love,
Amy Christine
There's been something on my heart ever since I heard about it, and in talking things over with some of my pastors, think it could be a GREAT step in my faith. There is a 'Kingdom Living Training School' offered through our church, and it runs from August to May (9 months). It's part time, but it's all about learning to become intentional with a small group of people and learn to discern God's voice. There are about a half-dozen trips that are taken together as well.
I have "all the education"- I've been to a Christian university and Seminary- which I LOVED and grew so much in my faith because of. I've done a similar program before- Segue- aboard the Anastasias in West Africa with Mercy Ships (which was so challenging for me and helped me to pray more fervently for Missions efforts). However, I have not been stretched like this in several years. I had my stroke in 2009, and for a long time after, was trying to sort out what it meant to be a stroke victim. After some WISE people surrounded me, I substituted 'victim' for 'SURVIVOR' and began to shift how I viewed the event in my life. I was told that I should have died, but instead survived. That's sobering at 28. Then shortly after my move to Indiana, I was sexually assaulted. I carried all of those lies & shame around for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong or somehow to deserve it, very much a victim mentality. I've viewed myself as broken, wounded, in need of fixing... and while that is true to some extent, I've had to shift instead to a stance and belief in myself THAT I AM INSTEAD A SURVIVOR. That's not to say I wasn't victimized by what happened to me, and I frankly wish they had never been- I liked some of the road I thought I was headed on. However, it's a mind-shift of perspective to look at life and yourself differently, to be able to speak of what has happened to you with confidence, and not to think that you are somehow being singled out or forgotten. Somewhere, along the path of the last 4 years, I've lost 'who I really am' to hiding behind the labels and performance of pretending that life is OK.
I'm simply applying to this school, while also looking into other job leads and considering other options. I'm just being obedient in applying right now. However, so much needs to happen in order for me to do this. I'll need a flexible part-time job. A more dependable car (mine will not make it through another Midwest winter). A new place to live. And I'll need to raise $3,200 by August. If this actually happens, I'll continue to only make my monthly bills and such through God's sovereignty. Again, that's sobering when so much around us tells me that 'I should have something more stable by now' or 'if I appear this recovered, then surely I should be able to ____" I want a big girl job. I want to do what is in my heart to do for others. I know God has a purpose for sparing my life 4 years ago and will continue to use my story- all of it. However, I'm afraid to admit that I may have lost 'me' somewhere along the way. In many rational ways, going to this school may look like I'm taking a step backwards, after having my master's degree- getting a part-time job so that I can learn more about myself and God, and I would have to fund-raise again (which is nerve-racking for anyone living on support!) But I'm confident that God has put this on my heart for a reason, and maybe there are things that I need to learn about Him and myself before I can step more fully into what God might have for me here. There is so much about Indiana that I just want to run from and things that haven't worked out the way that I envisioned them, and retreating back to Colorado seem(ed) like my best option. However, running away from this would be continuing that victim mentality and continue to perpetuate it. I don't want that to be me and the life I live. If something opened up in Denver, I would totally pray about making the move, but I'm not actively looking for opportunities at this point anymore.
So that's my current update. I'm sorting and processing through a LOT, and trying to discern what might be next for me. Thankfully, I know Whose hands this all rests in. He will make it happen if I am supposed to be there come August of this year. Thanks for continuing to follow along and love me through the web friends :) You all are wonderful!
Love,
Amy Christine
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