What's next?

So, some radical changes have come my way in the last week. I was terminated from my job last Monday. I'm scared of what is next, but I've also walked with God long enough to know He is always faithful. It just stinks when it was your dream job and something you had prayed from for so long to have it ripped away from you without warning. My physical health has been a nightmare again, and I've been in bed with pain in my muscles and joints to the point where even getting out of bed is a task, and the weather didn't help things last week either. I've gotten to reconnect with a few friends and a few to come yet that I'm really excited about because of what we shared, even 9 years ago- to watch that come back to life just over coffee again. Friendships that don't change are the stability that I need right now.

There's been something on my heart ever since I heard about it, and in talking things over with some of my pastors, think it could be a GREAT step in my faith. There is a 'Kingdom Living Training School' offered through our church, and it runs from August to May (9 months). It's part time, but it's all about learning to become intentional with a small group of people and learn to discern God's voice. There are about a half-dozen trips that are taken together as well.

I have "all the education"- I've been to a Christian university and Seminary- which I LOVED and grew so much in my faith because of. I've done a similar program before- Segue- aboard the Anastasias in West Africa with Mercy Ships (which was so challenging for me and helped me to pray more fervently for Missions efforts). However, I have not been stretched like this in several years. I had my stroke in 2009, and for a long time after, was trying to sort out what it meant to be a stroke victim. After some WISE people surrounded me, I substituted 'victim' for 'SURVIVOR' and began to shift how I viewed the event in my life. I was told that I should have died, but instead survived. That's sobering at 28. Then shortly after my move to Indiana, I was sexually assaulted. I carried all of those lies & shame around for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong or somehow to deserve it, very much a victim mentality. I've viewed myself as broken, wounded, in need of fixing... and while that is true to some extent, I've had to shift instead to a stance and belief in myself THAT I AM INSTEAD A SURVIVOR. That's not to say I wasn't victimized by what happened to me, and I frankly wish they had never been- I liked some of the road I thought I was headed on. However, it's a mind-shift of perspective to look at life and yourself differently, to be able to speak of what has happened to you with confidence, and not to think that you are somehow being singled out or forgotten. Somewhere, along the path of the last 4 years, I've lost 'who I really am' to hiding behind the labels and performance of pretending that life is OK.

I'm simply applying to this school, while also looking into other job leads and considering other options. I'm just being obedient in applying right now. However, so much needs to happen in order for me to do this. I'll need a flexible part-time job. A more dependable car (mine will not make it through another Midwest winter). A new place to live. And I'll need to raise $3,200 by August. If this actually happens, I'll continue to only make my monthly bills and such through God's sovereignty. Again, that's sobering when so much around us tells me that 'I should have something more stable by now' or 'if I appear this recovered, then surely I should be able to ____" I want a big girl job. I want to do what is in my heart to do for others. I know God has a purpose for sparing my life 4 years ago and will continue to use my story- all of it. However, I'm afraid to admit that I may have lost 'me' somewhere along the way. In many rational ways, going to this school may look like I'm taking a step backwards, after having my master's degree- getting a part-time job so that I can learn more about myself and God, and I would have to fund-raise again (which is nerve-racking for anyone living on support!) But I'm confident that God has put this on my heart for a reason, and maybe there are things that I need to learn about Him and myself before I can step more fully into what God might have for me here. There is so much about Indiana that I just want to run from and things that haven't worked out the way that I envisioned them, and retreating back to Colorado seem(ed) like my best option. However, running away from this would be continuing that victim mentality and continue to perpetuate it. I don't want that to be me and the life I live. If something opened up in Denver, I would totally pray about making the move, but I'm not actively looking for opportunities at this point anymore.

So that's my current update. I'm sorting and processing through a LOT, and trying to discern what might be next for me. Thankfully, I know Whose hands this all rests in. He will make it happen if I am supposed to be there come August of this year. Thanks for continuing to follow along and love me through the web friends :) You all are wonderful!
Love,
Amy Christine