Even If...

Tears streamed down my face on my drive back to Indianapolis yesterday afternoon. One may think it was because I just left my family and beautiful little niece behind. Which was part of it. But this song (below) came on the radio. This song has played at many instrumental times in the last few years. As I was driving, this song echoed the cry of my heart. The lyrics are incredibly powerful. For someone who deals with multiple chronic pain(s) that have YET to find a resolution... this became my prayer & anthem as I drove back to Indianapolis. I could barely place my hands on the steering wheel because it literally felt like I had razor blades for bones covered by flesh. And I'm not being dramatic. And with our roller coaster weather, it also triggered amazing throbbing in my head. As it was down-pouring and I was *trying* to keep my car on the road with wipers that hardly work, I just let the tears come. I really AM usually a good driver- but this particular afternoon with all of these variables... I haven't had an episode that severe since I had a panic attack WHILE driving in college. Needless to say- I just thankful God was once again, watching over me.

Kutless- Even if
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

That's SO HARD for me to swallow. THAT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T COME... He is still good. Somehow, He's more glorified IN MY PAIN than by somehow relieving it. If I'm being honest, that makes me angry and wonder an awful lot about God. Satan just needs me to doubt God's goodness even just a little. 12 years of migraines. 22+ years of chronic daily headaches. This horrific arthritis feeling since the fall, after I have had gluten or the barometric pressure drops. It makes me want to RIP my skin off, as though that might solve the aching. So instead I just pop more pills and feel more and more like a pharmacy. I lay in bed many days and just cry, because the tears are the only way I can find even a little release. It doesn't change the pain, but simply is the only way I've found to deal with it. The pills, the doctors visits, the question(s) that come with this... it feels like a broken record of whining. And I hate it. So I usually shut up because I hate hearing myself whine on about it, again. I "pretend" like all is fine. But it's not. And I hate talking about it because it makes me feel even more like a freak and anomaly. So I suffer in silence (except I can let it out on here because it doesn't feel as much like I'm complaining about it "since I'm not talking verbally about it all").

Even if. Regardless of how God CHOOSES to act in my life- healing or living with this all and then receiving my glorified Body someday (which I feel like I've earned it now!) does NOT change WHO GOD IS! Possibly this living in chronic pain has taught me to become more compassionate to those who live with chronic pain themselves, and to become more empathic to those suffering from "hidden illnesses". I can't say that I would have had this attitude years ago- even 4 years ago before my stroke, or before living in Indianapolis and becoming more mindful of the food I injest and it's affects upon me. We really are what we eat in so many ways. I'm thankful for the opportunity to start to realize how true that statement really can be. So for those of you who suffer with arthritis, migraines, or any other myriad of "hidden" ailments- I get an iota of what you may be experiencing daily. Maybe it takes getting something personally to experience the roller coaster of emotions that comes with having this to bear as well. So I'm stopping my pity party for myself in this and the maddening quest for answers, and realizing that what is currently is my reality. No offense, but I'll probably "brush you off" if you ask me to my face because that's become how I handle it all- pretend like it's not happening. If God chooses to super-naturally heal me, that would be awesome. However, it's been a maddening quest to try and find answers. So I'm dropping my quest and becoming ok with what is my current reality for now. That's not giving up, but rather peacefully accepting with the hand that I have at the moment to try and keep SOME sanity in my life currently. Just even having this outlet to write about some of my trials is a weight off of my shoulders to release it and start to process it. If you're still reading along after my processing of the not-so-pretty parts of my life, thank you. That means a whole lot!
Love,
Amy Christine