Moving to Denver

I'm under no delusions with this move back to Colorado. I KNOW things will be different with my friends- they & I have had almost two years apart and things have changed, Babies were had, marriages strengthened, school finished, jobs started and ended. I'm not going back into the Grad School bubble I had before or my Downing House community, which were both instant families. All I know is- my pain was less while I was there and with increasing doors closing in Indianapolis, I have to try someplace new... where I may not be in horrid pain all the time. I have accepted that I may always have SOME sort of pain (head, myalgia, food, allergies, whatever) and for many of them- I'm thankful. It's made me a much more compassionate and emphatic person to be able to enter in to prayer for my friends who are also plagued by mysterious ailments. (No, you don't have to have them to pray, but you do just understand a LOT more when you also have something that can't be figured out by modern medicine).

There are SO MANY mixed emotions going into this move. Feelings of failing- I tried moving here because I thought I was being called to Indy... But then I got here, went through a wretched heartbreak & shattered dreams and broken promises, then was assaulted, and got to try to pick up the pieces of my shattered self while managing PTSD & Seasonal depression while trying to navigate a new place and form new friendships. All of this while seeing myself as broken, a victim, completely abandoned, and the image I saw staring in the mirror when I would look at myself in the mirror was a shell of who I knew I was. I didn't realize the humidity would hate my body so much. I developed myalgia while here- where my joints would become arthritic and stiff, and found I had complicated food allergies (in a place where it's not hip yet to have them). There have been so many nights in tears wondering if I heard God wrong, why He would lead me into this dessert and valley, how He's going to redeem this time here. The last 4.5 years have been riddled with unfortune and loss. I most often feel as though my circumstances are a script to a daytime drama yet to be made. I'm tired of having to live out the DSM (after getting my degree in it, and being tempted often to self-diagnose). Although there have been some really sweet spots and friends and glimmers of hope throughout my time here (and it's NOT like I have tried and tried) I'm tired of striving. Of trying to make it myself here. The things that I thought would be here when I moved have disappeared, and left me disillusioned. So since it appears that my doors are closing in this city and opening in a place where my heart may have never left, I'm returning back to Denver. It's less running away from this place and more of a running TO a place that my heart still is. I'm going back with no car, no job yet, no church home, no doctors again, a roommate but no place just yet, and just the dreams of my pains being less intense and friends that have loved me even through my worst. This time I have a realistic view of what starting over may look like. The details are up to God to arrange for me. It's a scary transition but I have FAITH that God is opening all the doors I need to make this a reality! Lots of love and hope for a new start in a familiar city!
Love,
Amy Christine