Beginning to let go

I went to a retreat this weekend on the "Heart", one of 4 "quadrants" that the Cross Ministry group focuses on, along with the Mind, Soul and Strength. The sisterhood and worship expressed there has been amazing to be a part of, and I'm ecstatic to get to spend eternity with these women. I want all of the women I know to be able to experience something similar to this, because I have found so much healing for my own life and walk with God. I cannot even express some of the freedoms that this ministry has helped to usher into my life in the last 2.5 years (and I've been following God for 17.5 years!) Not only do they bring home some amazing biblical truths in a way I have not thought about before, but being able to fight for those truths for other women brings about great freedoms in my own story too. There were so many good nuggets that Bob helped elaborate on this weekend, but my favorite reminder was probably the visualization that the tighter we hold on to our attachments (ie- the way things have to look or play out according to my vision for them), the less room that God actually has to do His thing in those events, people, or whatever we are imagining of how things must look. Gulp. That hit things on the head for me. Like many other type-A, oldest born perfectionists, "Things should play out according to the way that I see fit" and "if God would just cooperate with what I think should happen..." I've grasped to any sort of control I could fathom from the handful of trials in the last few years, in a desperate attempt to manage some sort of safety from the unmanageable events that befell my life. That wasn't how things were supposed to look for me. I didn't deserve them. Obviously God made a mistake, or better yet, it's all just a part of living in a fallen & depraved world, and makes me yearn for Heaven all the more. Each of those statements or beliefs have some truth behind them, but they are not the whole story, or even coming from the Heart of God for His daughter. By grasping for control or clinging to the victim mentality that I so easily run back to, I'm actually not giving God room to do what He needs and wants to do in my heart from the things that have happened to me. Ouch. Counter productive. Transformation isn't going from a clenched fist to a wide-open one right away. {EXHALE SIGH OF RELIEF!} But is simply beginning to acknowledge "This hasn't been working for me (obviously) so I'm going to let you in a bit. I need your river of grace to start to change how I've been living". I need to make room for Him IN THOSE HURTS, losses and disappointments for His river of grace to begin to do what should have been done all along.

Part of my fallen humanity is to try to fix it all myself... the very antithesis of what He wants to do in me and my circumstances. So I'm beginning to let go of my death-grip. I'm beginning to change my question from "Why Me?" to "God, how are you going to use this, for myself and for others?" What a difference in vantage point and a question. I want to let in room for His grace. I'm tired of clenching so tightly to things that haven't been working, and are just continuing to wound me further. I need transformation. I don't want to continue to live as a victim, and run back to those vortex's as if they can offer me any sort of hope. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I saw God using a stroke and a sexual assault to bring about His glory in my life, I would have thought you were completely insane. And yet 5 years later, those things are very true about my life. And I'm starting to become thankful in them, even for odd little things. I've had the incredible opportunity to walk alongside some wonderful people in both groups and listen with their questions of "Where is God in all of this??" When I think about it, that's all that I ever really wanted with my life, it's just come about in a very different avenue that I ever could have imagined. But moving from a victim to a survivor mentality has made a world of difference for me. Those things didn't take me down. When people hear about my stroke, they are often shocked because God has done so much healing outwardly since. Yes, I'm a walking miracle now. (And next month I will commemorate it with a tattoo on my wrist on my anniversary to never forget). When people hear about my attack, they are amazed at the strength it's taken to have these perspectives only two years later. Both are not of me. That keeps me humble. The minute I think I am somehow in control or grasp tighter, is when I inadvertently make myself or those events into an idol. I shudder to think of how many times I have done that. By grasping for control of the outcome I WANT, I remove the ability to transform to the way it really should be if I let God do what He needs to do in it. Again, for a first born perfectionist who loves "control"... this was a lightbulb & 'AHA!' kind of weekend. It's so freeing to begin to let go. Not necessarily of what happened to me, but of trying to run back to the past for comfort (which is really odd when you think about it). Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. The bondage that has been self-inflicted... Yet He's been patient. He hasn't tried to barge in and tell me that I'm doing it all wrong. He's waited. Waited for me to begin to ask a different kind of question. Waited for me to get frustrated enough to ask to see things differently, from His perspective. I'm thirty three years old. I'm tired from hauling this baggage around with me. I want it ALL to be used to let others know of His transforming strength inside of me. I'm sure there will be more wounds, more trials, many more questions, but I'm thankful His river of grace never dries up and He never gets tired of us coming back to Him. And those are my thoughts from this weekend. It was amazing and possibly the beginning to some freedom.
Love,
Amy Christine