Shame and redemption

I staffed another 'Women at the Cross' event this last weekend. Again, it was amazing. These weekends are always incredible and full of awesome breakthroughs for the women who attend them. This weekend was no exception. I cannot even describe with words all of the things that can happen there.

I don't want to take away the suspense of any of the processes or what can happen when 72 women get together seeking God for each other, but there was a new process added for this last weekend. There is a shame talk and we all burned with fire some of our deepest shames together. With the ashes, we covered our faces with what was left of the ashes on our faces. We confessed how we can "show up" when we are trying to hide our shame from each other. Going around our circle, I saw my beautiful sisters covered in this nasty gray soot and saying that they can show up as a 'controller', a 'manipulator', a 'people pleaser' or that 'they hide from others'. What broke my heart was that the things that they were saying are not the ways that I view or interact with them at all. I started crying when I looked in the mirror and saw the way that I can come across to others when I am hiding in my shame, and it was so ugly. It was such a great picture and visualization of the ways that we as humans try to vie for some sort of control still. I was so saddened for my sisters who confessed and admitted to the ways that they try to do it... and yet I do similar thing(s). I hated grieving for my sisters, wanting to scream out that the ways that they try to cover it and hide is NOT THE WAY THAT GOD VIEWS THEM! I'll be remembering this picture for quite some time. I walked away from that process with a vivid visual picture the next time I am conscious of my hiding in my shame looks like. I don't want that to be my reality any longer.

Second awesome thing that happened over the weekend was my "job" for the weekend. I was the materials coordinator. I'm still amazed that the person who has memory issues was the one in charge of remembering who, what & where things were for the weekend?! Beacause that's logical?! A few years ago I couldn't remember what I had for breakfast (SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!), and God redeemed that to say "this isn't at all about you and what you think you are capable of this weekend. I'm stretching you here." Boy did I feel it. Praise be. Wow. My own weekend rock work in fall 2011 was precisly about my traumatic brain inury/stroke and memory... and 2.5 years later I get assigned to the materials coordinator position. God has a quirky sense of humor for sure, but I actually liked aspects of the position because I could feel that it wasn't "ME" remembering. It may sound silly and maybe even insignificant, but to me, I could feel Him with me and using what I saw as a deficit. That's pretty huge.

Even with my frustrations for silly human brokenness on the weekends, I'm thankful for a community of women to journey through life with-- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I realize that the kind of community I've found is pretty rare for women to be authentic, so I'm grateful. Praise be to God for giving me a community to celebrate with, mourn with, and pray and praise with. Life is good and I'm full :)

Love,
Amy Christine