Vulnerability and beginning to let go

It's been several weeks since I've posted a blog, but although I've been silent-ish in this place, I've started many "drafts" but haven't posted anything. My life has been a roller coaster (which I've accepted as my new normal, even with my attempts to hault the madness by cutting certain negative people out from my life and forcing boundaries for my own health and heart).

In the past month, I've gotten new hours/schedule at work (where I now work 6 DAYS a week but have less hours), moved to a different place in the city and become a nanny and a housekeeper again. I did all of this while also taking on A BUNCH of new responsibilities for a ministry that I LOVE working with. Every time I do staff a weekend for "Women at the Cross", spiritual warfare comes out of the woodwork in unexpected ways, including usually weird insomnia, headaches and pains (I've had FIVE cold sores in the last 5 weeks alone! The only medication they can give me increases my headaches!) But I'm finding that it is worth it. It's worth it to fight for these women. To step in and help them fight for their freedoms and help them see who they are in Christ. The fellowship I have found with these sisters has been incredible and timely to say the least. One of my sweet friends from WATC sent me this link and it finally made me CRY and begin to release some of these emotions to God. I haven't wanted to face just how toxic they are to hold on to for myself, even though it's one of my favorite things to help other women find in their own lives.

So the circumstances as of late are almost forcing me to stay tender (being sleep deprived the main factor), even though my flesh just wants A) to nap B)to become a hermit and pretend that I don't feel C)to never sign up to staff again, and even run from this time if I'm being honest. None of those things would be productive for me or the things that I have going on right now. I'm thankful that my heavenly Daddy knows that I can't do this thing called life alone and has brought some pretty special sisters around me to remind of His perspectives when things get hard. But that takes vulnerability on my part to ASK them to walk with me through my own brokenness (which is REALLY hard when you are stubbornly independent!). I'm beginning to let go of some of the crazy (almost delusional) fantasies that simply, just may not be now, or just may be altruistic thinking on my part. It's HARD. I DON'T like asking for help. I DON'T like being vulnerable... Simply put, I've seen it manupilated by others and it feels like weakness. I HATE admitting that I'm broken and utterly in need of someone to do it all for me- which is why I love this ministry because it's helped me embrace the fact that I'm broken and someone else already DID. And I don't have to look far to be reminded that I CAN'T do this alone and wasn't meant to. PRAISE BE TO GOD!

So as much as I dislike being vulnerable most of the time, and the letting go is painful, I'm thankful that I don't have to hold on to it all and that I'm not supposed to. I'm thankful for a ministry to plug into that serves me probably even more than I could attempt to give in "serving". So as much as "Let it go" from 'Frozen' is overplayed these days, it's becoming one of my mantra's as of late.