Liminal. The official definition states "'liminal' comes from the Latin word limens, which means, "threshold." “… It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else." My counselor described it to me as the "Not Yet" seasons, as when someone is pregnant and anticipating the arrival of their baby, or you are about to get a promotion at work and it's not happening yet. I am very much in some liminal seasons currently, with my car, all three of my jobs, my roller coaster health, my relationship with the Rugged Man, being stretched in 10000 directions, sapping friendships, long distance with my family back in Michigan... I do not yield to "rest" or much "self-care" (easily or naturally) so much of this has to be reminded to me by loved ones to still TAKE TIME FOR ME in the midst of the roller coaster(s) I'm on. Much of this comes down to a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to CHOOSE AND SEEK JOY in the "NOT YET" moments.
I got so excited today while talking to my counselor about these new revelations for myself lately, of starting to make ME a priority again, including making time for workout(s), eating better, not taking on the uncomfortability someone else has with some choice I HAVE MADE FOE ME, and asking God for HIS PERSPECTIVE and eyes in my current job. It's been helping my perspective so much, with accepting the things that I cannot change and living in the PRESENT. I've said all these words in the past, but truly believing them and deciding to live them out with purpose, courage and steadfast decision confidence and TRUSTING that God has me where I AM RIGHT NOW for a reason... well, that's different altogether. It may not be something that others can even decifier in my demeanor or how I show up, but I KNOW. It's for me, a conscious decision to not wish or pray for something else, a new job, a different living situation, an altered relationship that "looks more like _________, a changed past that certainly doesn't include anything that I actually have in reality... I was telling my counselor what a shift things have been for me lately of choosing to invest and be intentional about some of the particular patients I have at the hospital. I'm seeking to make that my "secret" ministry. They don't know that I'm praying behind the scenes for them, but there is POWER in knowing that God has redeemed my past and given me THIS job to encourage patients each evening. And I'm surprisingly good at what I do. Another friend called it out this morning: IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGISTRATION COUNTER, COWERING IN FEAR, WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S TO COME. God is CHOOSING to use THAT in me. That kind of empathy can't be taught or learned except through the crucible of having been through something incredibly difficult with your own health. I've said it 10000 times before, I didn't WANT THIS story. I never thought God would use a STROKE at 28 and a sexual assault at 30 to refine me, change me, to humble me, to help me (again) realize that it's not even about me in "my" story.
So I'm seeking joy in the daily moments. Not having to have this ultra plan of things laid out and going according to "MY" plan (which that 'illusion' of control makes me "feel" as if I can do something to make it all happen... has been incredibly freeing. For a 1st born, perfectionist who's very determined and stubborn, it's a journey to let go and have grace with yourself as you learn to embrace all this, a daily choice to choose JOY above all else, moment by moment. It's a beautiful MESS and I'm choosing to be intentional and embrace what I have been given RIGHT NOW as a GIFT. Not the someday, not the future, not the changes that are going to be made, the right here & now, as it all is, gift of TODAY. I choose and embrace THIS. This joyous gift of NOW. And that's freeing and liberating to allow me to enjoy all that He has given me today.
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
The Memory is RETURNING!
For those of you who may have entered my life recently, all this might be new news to grapple with. For those of you who have been walking with me for years, I have some amazing news to continue to announce. I hadn't said much for awhile partly because I was wondering how long this might last, and that scared me. When you've had something and then it gets taken away, you wonder after when you have ANY glimmer of hope if you're ever going to feel "NORMAL" ever again, or what that NEW NORMAL will look like.
While I was in the hospital, my family and I were told all these crazy things that I've shown the doctors that they were {now} false [see my driving record, going back to GRADUATE school 6 months later, walking my sister down the aisle 5 months to the day of my stroke, every day gaining something back/some functioning that I hadn't had previously and thought I would never get back]. It's been a TRUE JOY to celebrate milestones and victories that you were told "YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN..." or "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE" and with tears in my eyes DO THEM. It makes things like graduating with your MASTERS DEGREE all the sweeter. Yes, it's an accomplishment and I'm part of a minority to do so. But even more so when you were told that it SHOULDN'T be possible, and yet... I have that diploma framed and it's my profile picture on here to remember how precious it is. My life is SO FAR from anything anyone else could think of as "normal" it is almost laughable. And yet, one of the biggest adjustments post-stroke is dealing with what I had thought my life would look like previously not being the case now, for a multitude of reasons. Earlier this week on facebook I announced that I'm able to remember my dreams at night again, and not just my nightmares. Again, when just a couple short years ago I couldn't remember my breakfast that morning, this is a huge accomplishment to realize for myself.
I've been realizing it for several months, but it's kind of "ironic" that the very things that I can remember in the relationship I'm in are the things that he forgets, and vice versa. Dates, times, bills & deadlines, I can recall those things for both of us now. Even remembering where miscellaneous things are located at his house when I don't live there... And I'm not having to rely on my 2nd brain nearly as much (aka- the color coded calendar in my phone. I can remember details WITHOUT having to look back through texts, emails, etc and remember where we are meeting and what day without having to reference the calendar first to know!) People, this is HUGE. There are lot's of memories still in the "Swiss Cheese" parts of brain that I may never get back, but the ability to recall these silly little details of life again is a pretty big deal. While most people won't understand it, just know it's a big deal for me. And for that, I think I deserve something to celebrate this occurrence in my life :) Yeah for self-care and something to celebrate for me!
With lots of celebratory love,
Amy Christtine
While I was in the hospital, my family and I were told all these crazy things that I've shown the doctors that they were {now} false [see my driving record, going back to GRADUATE school 6 months later, walking my sister down the aisle 5 months to the day of my stroke, every day gaining something back/some functioning that I hadn't had previously and thought I would never get back]. It's been a TRUE JOY to celebrate milestones and victories that you were told "YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN..." or "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE" and with tears in my eyes DO THEM. It makes things like graduating with your MASTERS DEGREE all the sweeter. Yes, it's an accomplishment and I'm part of a minority to do so. But even more so when you were told that it SHOULDN'T be possible, and yet... I have that diploma framed and it's my profile picture on here to remember how precious it is. My life is SO FAR from anything anyone else could think of as "normal" it is almost laughable. And yet, one of the biggest adjustments post-stroke is dealing with what I had thought my life would look like previously not being the case now, for a multitude of reasons. Earlier this week on facebook I announced that I'm able to remember my dreams at night again, and not just my nightmares. Again, when just a couple short years ago I couldn't remember my breakfast that morning, this is a huge accomplishment to realize for myself.
I've been realizing it for several months, but it's kind of "ironic" that the very things that I can remember in the relationship I'm in are the things that he forgets, and vice versa. Dates, times, bills & deadlines, I can recall those things for both of us now. Even remembering where miscellaneous things are located at his house when I don't live there... And I'm not having to rely on my 2nd brain nearly as much (aka- the color coded calendar in my phone. I can remember details WITHOUT having to look back through texts, emails, etc and remember where we are meeting and what day without having to reference the calendar first to know!) People, this is HUGE. There are lot's of memories still in the "Swiss Cheese" parts of brain that I may never get back, but the ability to recall these silly little details of life again is a pretty big deal. While most people won't understand it, just know it's a big deal for me. And for that, I think I deserve something to celebrate this occurrence in my life :) Yeah for self-care and something to celebrate for me!
With lots of celebratory love,
Amy Christtine
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
We all have a story
This isn't NEW news, and I've known it for a long time, but I continued to have my mind blown in talking to people about the story of their own lives. Our stories have amazing high points of celebration, and often intense pains of disappointment. It's true for all of us, if only we would take the time listen to each other- we would find a lot more in common that often the alienation and lie that we are all alone in this. The devastation, the immense pain(s), the things unexpected that bombard our lives now and threaten to over take it... well, it is a lot to deal with. It turns out that being a medical anomaly, a walking miracle and sexual assault survivor allows you to meet some pretty amazing people. Seriously, the people I've encountered walking this road with similar circumstances absolutely blow me away. I would probably never have had contact with many of these amazing people who are now people I consider good friends, all because of some incredibly crappy events occurring in my own life.
My boyfriend now jokes when I tell him background to some of my friendships that "I don't have 'Normal' friends". I don't, I've never claimed that my friends are normal, and I'll admit that we have a special assignment & purpose to our lives now. But it also makes me incredibly proud of some of the friendships forged through the fire(s) of life and what we get to live out in strength on the other side of what has happened to us. We are not victims, we are now survivors. We are so much stronger than we were before, and what our perpetrators meagerly thought of us when it all happened. Many of my friends now have endured some pretty ridiculous traumas- shootings, rapes, death, abuse(s), divorce, infertility, abortions, medical roller coaster(s)... and often these people's stories are gravitated to my own depths. It's not how I view them at ALL, we are so much more than what has happened to us, but it does allow me to remember their brokenness when I see their ways that God loves them tenderly. There is a connection between two traumas survivors that cannot be easily explained. There is something about living out trauma that almost invites it from others, that it is OK to experience those depths and LIVE to tell of it after. It's now something that I welcome from others, and wish I had had more of it when I was going through the grueling months of PTSD, anguish, and loss. Those that offered it to me were literally the hands and feet of Jesus, and that can never be dismissed.
Honestly, there are many who cannot handle the stories that many of us who have endured such traumas often hold now. They would rather live in this fake polyanna world of unicorns and rainbows, and I've experienced too much of the spectrum of life to know that is not reality. Often, we don't know what to say, so in our awkwardness, we can say and offer nothing, which further alienates the person trying to learn how to cope with life again. Part of enduring some traumas myself has allowed me to have space in my life to deal with the heaviness & complicated grief that may accompany the coming days, weeks and months after someone else's trauma. I never WANTED to be a personal expert in traumas, but after living out a few, I can no longer shy away from the fact that I am still here for a purpose. Part of it now, I believe, is to encourage others that have lived through something similar and offer that safe place to just be loved. Not judged. Not shamed for what has happened to their lives now. None of us expect these "bad" things to happen, and yet, when they do, it catches us off guard in so many aspects. So the stories that accompany the hurt and grime is something that I now welcome, even with the heavy nature and weighty intensity that can sometimes feel as if its threatening to capsize our very souls. To my sisters and brothers who are dealing with those depths today, know that you have a fellow sojourner who can understand some of that pain. I have also come out on the other side knowing that God meets with us IN THAT PAIN. It doesn't scare Him like it terrifies us. He can see the other end when things feel crippling and hopeless. I had no idea that I would find God most when I came to the very end of myself and circumstances, and He has met me there in incredible ways. I refuse to live as a captor to fear any longer. Satan has no more time diverting me from my purpose, and I'm thankful that I intimately know the One who has the final word.
Love,
Amy Christine
My boyfriend now jokes when I tell him background to some of my friendships that "I don't have 'Normal' friends". I don't, I've never claimed that my friends are normal, and I'll admit that we have a special assignment & purpose to our lives now. But it also makes me incredibly proud of some of the friendships forged through the fire(s) of life and what we get to live out in strength on the other side of what has happened to us. We are not victims, we are now survivors. We are so much stronger than we were before, and what our perpetrators meagerly thought of us when it all happened. Many of my friends now have endured some pretty ridiculous traumas- shootings, rapes, death, abuse(s), divorce, infertility, abortions, medical roller coaster(s)... and often these people's stories are gravitated to my own depths. It's not how I view them at ALL, we are so much more than what has happened to us, but it does allow me to remember their brokenness when I see their ways that God loves them tenderly. There is a connection between two traumas survivors that cannot be easily explained. There is something about living out trauma that almost invites it from others, that it is OK to experience those depths and LIVE to tell of it after. It's now something that I welcome from others, and wish I had had more of it when I was going through the grueling months of PTSD, anguish, and loss. Those that offered it to me were literally the hands and feet of Jesus, and that can never be dismissed.
Honestly, there are many who cannot handle the stories that many of us who have endured such traumas often hold now. They would rather live in this fake polyanna world of unicorns and rainbows, and I've experienced too much of the spectrum of life to know that is not reality. Often, we don't know what to say, so in our awkwardness, we can say and offer nothing, which further alienates the person trying to learn how to cope with life again. Part of enduring some traumas myself has allowed me to have space in my life to deal with the heaviness & complicated grief that may accompany the coming days, weeks and months after someone else's trauma. I never WANTED to be a personal expert in traumas, but after living out a few, I can no longer shy away from the fact that I am still here for a purpose. Part of it now, I believe, is to encourage others that have lived through something similar and offer that safe place to just be loved. Not judged. Not shamed for what has happened to their lives now. None of us expect these "bad" things to happen, and yet, when they do, it catches us off guard in so many aspects. So the stories that accompany the hurt and grime is something that I now welcome, even with the heavy nature and weighty intensity that can sometimes feel as if its threatening to capsize our very souls. To my sisters and brothers who are dealing with those depths today, know that you have a fellow sojourner who can understand some of that pain. I have also come out on the other side knowing that God meets with us IN THAT PAIN. It doesn't scare Him like it terrifies us. He can see the other end when things feel crippling and hopeless. I had no idea that I would find God most when I came to the very end of myself and circumstances, and He has met me there in incredible ways. I refuse to live as a captor to fear any longer. Satan has no more time diverting me from my purpose, and I'm thankful that I intimately know the One who has the final word.
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Grappling with Redemption, 2/25/2015
S-I-X Y-E-A-R-S. S.I.X. Some days they have seemed to go by so quickly, almost as if what happened on February 25, 2009 was just a distant memory. Other days I am painfully aware of just how much actually did change. My trach scar left on my neck serves as a reminder that no, in fact, that was not a bad dream. I really did almost die six years ago, and I'm not being dramatic in stating that. It's far enough away now that most people have moved on, and rightly so. Having babies, school, marriage, work... life doesn't just stop or suspend because of an event like that. I get it, nor do I want it to have had that affect either. It's a memory, an event, something that happened to me. However, there are things that I just can't get back now. I am different. My life is different. I see and experience things differently now. I've moved forward and I've refused to let that medical event define my life now or hold me back, although it did reshape my trajectory. But with each passing month when the 25th rolls around, I remember. It's not just another day for me anymore, it can't be. Not to be melodramatic, but to be a walking miracle where you KNOW your life was intricately intervened with is a very humbling thing to live with daily. It's Defining. That event has made a whole new set of tangible theology for me to be living and breathing out each and every day. Yes, I get that we ALL are miracles created by God and breathed in with His breath (Psalms 139)... but I was given a second chance at life. There were events in my life that occurred that day 6 years ago that cannot be reconciled any other way but to admit that the God of Angel Armies literally reached in and intervened. "It's not her time to come home yet. I still have plans for this one". How do you daily LIVE with that knowledge about your life and walk around just like anyone else? I literally have that knowledge, that secret, but will rarely admit it to anyone now. It's kind of like being a CIA spy without the cool spy gear...
I have SO wanted to just conceal back into culture and pretend that it all did not happen to be honest. Just be and act like anyone else. "Normal". Everyone else has moved on... so why do I need to act as though things are different now? I had the HARDEST time while back in graduate school to use the accommodations given to me by the ADA/Americans with Disabilities Act, granted through my dean of students and the case manager that helped me to enroll in school again. I didn't yet see myself as disabled then. There were several tearful instances in my Dean's office crying about how "No one else has to use accommodations!?" to which I would hear "But no one else just had their brains blow up either..." {Side note, these were awesome sessions as I was relearning to navigate my world and emotions again to find my new normal within a world that used to come so easy to me. Dr. Lemus was awesome at helping me re-adjust as well as my professors and peers deal with the changes that had occurred within me}.
Part of my life now is that my brain will stay fixated on something for hours to make sense of it all. Sometimes I get stuck in first gear and can't move forward. Other times, I'm emotional, rash, and impulsive. I have surprisingly become much more analytical than my old emotional self. I've retreated into the safety of myself as an introvert, hiding from the world I've come to fear again. Emotions were a hard thing to come back, and they have become something cyclical to deal with as well now. This event six years ago is not an excuse by any stretch of the imagination, but when I remind people that I am navigating life without two important parts of my brains and things have re-wired itself... Some things now just make more sense with that knowledge. I am still incredibly independent & stubborn, and probably even more so after what happened to me in the hospital with my independence being taken away. I've become part of "this club" that I never even wanted to belong to in the first place, and now I would not trade for anything. To be a walking medical miracle is a pretty rare privilege, and something most will never understand or comprehend. Also being a sexual assault survivor is pretty rare (though it's more common than most will give voice to). To be a part of both of these groups now... well, again, I never intended to be, but I've found that I LOVE the people that I have become surrounded by in both. Some of the most guarded but amazing people that understand life as I know it now.
One of the most significant verses through all of these trials has been Genesis 50:20- 'What you intended to harm me, GOD INTENDED IT FOR GOOD!' Meaning, Satan tried to knock me down with both of those events, and God had completely other purposes with them entirely. That's kind of God's thing- to take something that we see as a broken MESS and turn around for HIS GLORY. That's all I ever prayed once I became a Christian- but never expected THIS would be the way that He would do that in me! Those events were not the final word. It was not my final day on 2/25/2009, my last breath, the way that God had scripted the end of my story. He still has a plan, and this has become part of the plan now. He intervened and let all the medical staff know that all of their years of training were not a match for what He wanted to do in me instead. To now sit with the doctors that were with me then and hear their recollections of six years ago sobers me up real quick & helps me remember my purpose again. With all of the trials that have come in the last six years- the new health things to manage or be careful of; The world to relearn and learn to safely navigate again; To find safety and trust again in a world that no longer makes sense to my rational re-wired brain; The set-backs from the dreams that I had from before this all happened and even those I had as I was grappling with how I had changed- I can slip into despair rather quickly. The last 6 years have been challenging, and for many, it's too much to hear about. I've sadly had to left that go, realizing that is much more about the person leaving than about me or my own story now. But that's just what Satan wants- to have me shrink into the shadows again. Being reminded of those stories of HOW God Intervened, although not as frequent anymore, reminds me that there still is a plan. There is still a reason I am here. It's just hard to remember that with the passing trials and discouragements, all aimed at keeping me down and distracted from my purpose as a chosen and set apart daughter with a much higher calling than a career or title could ever hold. It has become something I take deep pride in to speak LIFE and encouragement into those that I love, knowing that it is not of me that I am speaking with power, but my life now has a weight to it to make those words meaningful. God is still here, in all of our brokenness, and will redeem it for us. I can say that with confidence because I have seen it to be true and know it. I'm living proof now.
I hate to dwell in the past. HATE. I would much rather move forward and completely forget that those events ever happened or even affected me. My physical scars serve as a reminder that I can not escape or run from. But both of those traumas have changed me and how I see the world now. I've accepted that and I've moved forward again with purpose. I choose to live well instead. To live with purpose each day. To surround myself with people I can bless and that bless me in return. Life is far too short to not, and I almost lost that chance once. Not again. Not with my second chance to live well, as God intended for this second go-round. I have tried shaking my head at God and my fist in anger with what He allowed, but I remember Peter's words in John 6:68 'Lord, where else would we go?" He allowed it, but did not cause these things. They have changed me. Redefined my life. Given me new direction and purpose. Daily living that out now and helping others see Him through my very cracked exterior now is part of my purpose, and I won't withhold that. I can not. All I want to do is live my life to the best of my abilities now, intentionally asking Him what He would have for me each day and with each choice I make. Sorry this post was so long, but there is a lot that brews up for me on this day now, and my writing helps get it out.
As always, thanks for being a part of this crazy journey with me. You have no idea what it means to me.
Love,
Amy Christine
I have SO wanted to just conceal back into culture and pretend that it all did not happen to be honest. Just be and act like anyone else. "Normal". Everyone else has moved on... so why do I need to act as though things are different now? I had the HARDEST time while back in graduate school to use the accommodations given to me by the ADA/Americans with Disabilities Act, granted through my dean of students and the case manager that helped me to enroll in school again. I didn't yet see myself as disabled then. There were several tearful instances in my Dean's office crying about how "No one else has to use accommodations!?" to which I would hear "But no one else just had their brains blow up either..." {Side note, these were awesome sessions as I was relearning to navigate my world and emotions again to find my new normal within a world that used to come so easy to me. Dr. Lemus was awesome at helping me re-adjust as well as my professors and peers deal with the changes that had occurred within me}.
Part of my life now is that my brain will stay fixated on something for hours to make sense of it all. Sometimes I get stuck in first gear and can't move forward. Other times, I'm emotional, rash, and impulsive. I have surprisingly become much more analytical than my old emotional self. I've retreated into the safety of myself as an introvert, hiding from the world I've come to fear again. Emotions were a hard thing to come back, and they have become something cyclical to deal with as well now. This event six years ago is not an excuse by any stretch of the imagination, but when I remind people that I am navigating life without two important parts of my brains and things have re-wired itself... Some things now just make more sense with that knowledge. I am still incredibly independent & stubborn, and probably even more so after what happened to me in the hospital with my independence being taken away. I've become part of "this club" that I never even wanted to belong to in the first place, and now I would not trade for anything. To be a walking medical miracle is a pretty rare privilege, and something most will never understand or comprehend. Also being a sexual assault survivor is pretty rare (though it's more common than most will give voice to). To be a part of both of these groups now... well, again, I never intended to be, but I've found that I LOVE the people that I have become surrounded by in both. Some of the most guarded but amazing people that understand life as I know it now.
One of the most significant verses through all of these trials has been Genesis 50:20- 'What you intended to harm me, GOD INTENDED IT FOR GOOD!' Meaning, Satan tried to knock me down with both of those events, and God had completely other purposes with them entirely. That's kind of God's thing- to take something that we see as a broken MESS and turn around for HIS GLORY. That's all I ever prayed once I became a Christian- but never expected THIS would be the way that He would do that in me! Those events were not the final word. It was not my final day on 2/25/2009, my last breath, the way that God had scripted the end of my story. He still has a plan, and this has become part of the plan now. He intervened and let all the medical staff know that all of their years of training were not a match for what He wanted to do in me instead. To now sit with the doctors that were with me then and hear their recollections of six years ago sobers me up real quick & helps me remember my purpose again. With all of the trials that have come in the last six years- the new health things to manage or be careful of; The world to relearn and learn to safely navigate again; To find safety and trust again in a world that no longer makes sense to my rational re-wired brain; The set-backs from the dreams that I had from before this all happened and even those I had as I was grappling with how I had changed- I can slip into despair rather quickly. The last 6 years have been challenging, and for many, it's too much to hear about. I've sadly had to left that go, realizing that is much more about the person leaving than about me or my own story now. But that's just what Satan wants- to have me shrink into the shadows again. Being reminded of those stories of HOW God Intervened, although not as frequent anymore, reminds me that there still is a plan. There is still a reason I am here. It's just hard to remember that with the passing trials and discouragements, all aimed at keeping me down and distracted from my purpose as a chosen and set apart daughter with a much higher calling than a career or title could ever hold. It has become something I take deep pride in to speak LIFE and encouragement into those that I love, knowing that it is not of me that I am speaking with power, but my life now has a weight to it to make those words meaningful. God is still here, in all of our brokenness, and will redeem it for us. I can say that with confidence because I have seen it to be true and know it. I'm living proof now.
I hate to dwell in the past. HATE. I would much rather move forward and completely forget that those events ever happened or even affected me. My physical scars serve as a reminder that I can not escape or run from. But both of those traumas have changed me and how I see the world now. I've accepted that and I've moved forward again with purpose. I choose to live well instead. To live with purpose each day. To surround myself with people I can bless and that bless me in return. Life is far too short to not, and I almost lost that chance once. Not again. Not with my second chance to live well, as God intended for this second go-round. I have tried shaking my head at God and my fist in anger with what He allowed, but I remember Peter's words in John 6:68 'Lord, where else would we go?" He allowed it, but did not cause these things. They have changed me. Redefined my life. Given me new direction and purpose. Daily living that out now and helping others see Him through my very cracked exterior now is part of my purpose, and I won't withhold that. I can not. All I want to do is live my life to the best of my abilities now, intentionally asking Him what He would have for me each day and with each choice I make. Sorry this post was so long, but there is a lot that brews up for me on this day now, and my writing helps get it out.
As always, thanks for being a part of this crazy journey with me. You have no idea what it means to me.
Love,
Amy Christine
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