Liminal. The official definition states "'liminal' comes from the Latin word limens, which means, "threshold." “… It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else." My counselor described it to me as the "Not Yet" seasons, as when someone is pregnant and anticipating the arrival of their baby, or you are about to get a promotion at work and it's not happening yet. I am very much in some liminal seasons currently, with my car, all three of my jobs, my roller coaster health, my relationship with the Rugged Man, being stretched in 10000 directions, sapping friendships, long distance with my family back in Michigan... I do not yield to "rest" or much "self-care" (easily or naturally) so much of this has to be reminded to me by loved ones to still TAKE TIME FOR ME in the midst of the roller coaster(s) I'm on. Much of this comes down to a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to CHOOSE AND SEEK JOY in the "NOT YET" moments.
I got so excited today while talking to my counselor about these new revelations for myself lately, of starting to make ME a priority again, including making time for workout(s), eating better, not taking on the uncomfortability someone else has with some choice I HAVE MADE FOE ME, and asking God for HIS PERSPECTIVE and eyes in my current job. It's been helping my perspective so much, with accepting the things that I cannot change and living in the PRESENT. I've said all these words in the past, but truly believing them and deciding to live them out with purpose, courage and steadfast decision confidence and TRUSTING that God has me where I AM RIGHT NOW for a reason... well, that's different altogether. It may not be something that others can even decifier in my demeanor or how I show up, but I KNOW. It's for me, a conscious decision to not wish or pray for something else, a new job, a different living situation, an altered relationship that "looks more like _________, a changed past that certainly doesn't include anything that I actually have in reality... I was telling my counselor what a shift things have been for me lately of choosing to invest and be intentional about some of the particular patients I have at the hospital. I'm seeking to make that my "secret" ministry. They don't know that I'm praying behind the scenes for them, but there is POWER in knowing that God has redeemed my past and given me THIS job to encourage patients each evening. And I'm surprisingly good at what I do. Another friend called it out this morning: IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGISTRATION COUNTER, COWERING IN FEAR, WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S TO COME. God is CHOOSING to use THAT in me. That kind of empathy can't be taught or learned except through the crucible of having been through something incredibly difficult with your own health. I've said it 10000 times before, I didn't WANT THIS story. I never thought God would use a STROKE at 28 and a sexual assault at 30 to refine me, change me, to humble me, to help me (again) realize that it's not even about me in "my" story.
So I'm seeking joy in the daily moments. Not having to have this ultra plan of things laid out and going according to "MY" plan (which that 'illusion' of control makes me "feel" as if I can do something to make it all happen... has been incredibly freeing. For a 1st born, perfectionist who's very determined and stubborn, it's a journey to let go and have grace with yourself as you learn to embrace all this, a daily choice to choose JOY above all else, moment by moment. It's a beautiful MESS and I'm choosing to be intentional and embrace what I have been given RIGHT NOW as a GIFT. Not the someday, not the future, not the changes that are going to be made, the right here & now, as it all is, gift of TODAY. I choose and embrace THIS. This joyous gift of NOW. And that's freeing and liberating to allow me to enjoy all that He has given me today.
Love,
Amy Christine
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