Liminal. The official definition states "'liminal' comes from the Latin word limens, which means, "threshold." “… It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else." My counselor described it to me as the "Not Yet" seasons, as when someone is pregnant and anticipating the arrival of their baby, or you are about to get a promotion at work and it's not happening yet. I am very much in some liminal seasons currently, with my car, all three of my jobs, my roller coaster health, my relationship with the Rugged Man, being stretched in 10000 directions, sapping friendships, long distance with my family back in Michigan... I do not yield to "rest" or much "self-care" (easily or naturally) so much of this has to be reminded to me by loved ones to still TAKE TIME FOR ME in the midst of the roller coaster(s) I'm on. Much of this comes down to a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to CHOOSE AND SEEK JOY in the "NOT YET" moments.
I got so excited today while talking to my counselor about these new revelations for myself lately, of starting to make ME a priority again, including making time for workout(s), eating better, not taking on the uncomfortability someone else has with some choice I HAVE MADE FOE ME, and asking God for HIS PERSPECTIVE and eyes in my current job. It's been helping my perspective so much, with accepting the things that I cannot change and living in the PRESENT. I've said all these words in the past, but truly believing them and deciding to live them out with purpose, courage and steadfast decision confidence and TRUSTING that God has me where I AM RIGHT NOW for a reason... well, that's different altogether. It may not be something that others can even decifier in my demeanor or how I show up, but I KNOW. It's for me, a conscious decision to not wish or pray for something else, a new job, a different living situation, an altered relationship that "looks more like _________, a changed past that certainly doesn't include anything that I actually have in reality... I was telling my counselor what a shift things have been for me lately of choosing to invest and be intentional about some of the particular patients I have at the hospital. I'm seeking to make that my "secret" ministry. They don't know that I'm praying behind the scenes for them, but there is POWER in knowing that God has redeemed my past and given me THIS job to encourage patients each evening. And I'm surprisingly good at what I do. Another friend called it out this morning: IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGISTRATION COUNTER, COWERING IN FEAR, WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S TO COME. God is CHOOSING to use THAT in me. That kind of empathy can't be taught or learned except through the crucible of having been through something incredibly difficult with your own health. I've said it 10000 times before, I didn't WANT THIS story. I never thought God would use a STROKE at 28 and a sexual assault at 30 to refine me, change me, to humble me, to help me (again) realize that it's not even about me in "my" story.
So I'm seeking joy in the daily moments. Not having to have this ultra plan of things laid out and going according to "MY" plan (which that 'illusion' of control makes me "feel" as if I can do something to make it all happen... has been incredibly freeing. For a 1st born, perfectionist who's very determined and stubborn, it's a journey to let go and have grace with yourself as you learn to embrace all this, a daily choice to choose JOY above all else, moment by moment. It's a beautiful MESS and I'm choosing to be intentional and embrace what I have been given RIGHT NOW as a GIFT. Not the someday, not the future, not the changes that are going to be made, the right here & now, as it all is, gift of TODAY. I choose and embrace THIS. This joyous gift of NOW. And that's freeing and liberating to allow me to enjoy all that He has given me today.
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Friday, June 5, 2015
The Memory is RETURNING!
For those of you who may have entered my life recently, all this might be new news to grapple with. For those of you who have been walking with me for years, I have some amazing news to continue to announce. I hadn't said much for awhile partly because I was wondering how long this might last, and that scared me. When you've had something and then it gets taken away, you wonder after when you have ANY glimmer of hope if you're ever going to feel "NORMAL" ever again, or what that NEW NORMAL will look like.
While I was in the hospital, my family and I were told all these crazy things that I've shown the doctors that they were {now} false [see my driving record, going back to GRADUATE school 6 months later, walking my sister down the aisle 5 months to the day of my stroke, every day gaining something back/some functioning that I hadn't had previously and thought I would never get back]. It's been a TRUE JOY to celebrate milestones and victories that you were told "YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN..." or "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE" and with tears in my eyes DO THEM. It makes things like graduating with your MASTERS DEGREE all the sweeter. Yes, it's an accomplishment and I'm part of a minority to do so. But even more so when you were told that it SHOULDN'T be possible, and yet... I have that diploma framed and it's my profile picture on here to remember how precious it is. My life is SO FAR from anything anyone else could think of as "normal" it is almost laughable. And yet, one of the biggest adjustments post-stroke is dealing with what I had thought my life would look like previously not being the case now, for a multitude of reasons. Earlier this week on facebook I announced that I'm able to remember my dreams at night again, and not just my nightmares. Again, when just a couple short years ago I couldn't remember my breakfast that morning, this is a huge accomplishment to realize for myself.
I've been realizing it for several months, but it's kind of "ironic" that the very things that I can remember in the relationship I'm in are the things that he forgets, and vice versa. Dates, times, bills & deadlines, I can recall those things for both of us now. Even remembering where miscellaneous things are located at his house when I don't live there... And I'm not having to rely on my 2nd brain nearly as much (aka- the color coded calendar in my phone. I can remember details WITHOUT having to look back through texts, emails, etc and remember where we are meeting and what day without having to reference the calendar first to know!) People, this is HUGE. There are lot's of memories still in the "Swiss Cheese" parts of brain that I may never get back, but the ability to recall these silly little details of life again is a pretty big deal. While most people won't understand it, just know it's a big deal for me. And for that, I think I deserve something to celebrate this occurrence in my life :) Yeah for self-care and something to celebrate for me!
With lots of celebratory love,
Amy Christtine
While I was in the hospital, my family and I were told all these crazy things that I've shown the doctors that they were {now} false [see my driving record, going back to GRADUATE school 6 months later, walking my sister down the aisle 5 months to the day of my stroke, every day gaining something back/some functioning that I hadn't had previously and thought I would never get back]. It's been a TRUE JOY to celebrate milestones and victories that you were told "YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN..." or "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE" and with tears in my eyes DO THEM. It makes things like graduating with your MASTERS DEGREE all the sweeter. Yes, it's an accomplishment and I'm part of a minority to do so. But even more so when you were told that it SHOULDN'T be possible, and yet... I have that diploma framed and it's my profile picture on here to remember how precious it is. My life is SO FAR from anything anyone else could think of as "normal" it is almost laughable. And yet, one of the biggest adjustments post-stroke is dealing with what I had thought my life would look like previously not being the case now, for a multitude of reasons. Earlier this week on facebook I announced that I'm able to remember my dreams at night again, and not just my nightmares. Again, when just a couple short years ago I couldn't remember my breakfast that morning, this is a huge accomplishment to realize for myself.
I've been realizing it for several months, but it's kind of "ironic" that the very things that I can remember in the relationship I'm in are the things that he forgets, and vice versa. Dates, times, bills & deadlines, I can recall those things for both of us now. Even remembering where miscellaneous things are located at his house when I don't live there... And I'm not having to rely on my 2nd brain nearly as much (aka- the color coded calendar in my phone. I can remember details WITHOUT having to look back through texts, emails, etc and remember where we are meeting and what day without having to reference the calendar first to know!) People, this is HUGE. There are lot's of memories still in the "Swiss Cheese" parts of brain that I may never get back, but the ability to recall these silly little details of life again is a pretty big deal. While most people won't understand it, just know it's a big deal for me. And for that, I think I deserve something to celebrate this occurrence in my life :) Yeah for self-care and something to celebrate for me!
With lots of celebratory love,
Amy Christtine
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