I was afraid...

It's been awhile since I blogged. 3 years to be exact. I am a mess of nervous energy today as I prepare for my first day of training tomorrow at a new job. Even though I got obtained my master's in Counseling in May 2011, I never worked towards licensure because I was afraid. Of failing. Hard. Doing A LOT of introspection work on my heart & soul after a toxic marriagen to an alcholic makes you face some really hard things about yourself when you want to change. I've done hard things for about 12 years now, so really, it's nothing new. However, obtaining licensure for Counseling in Colorado is a LOT of work, and to be honest, I have never thought I had it in me. So many doubts invade my mind, about my worth, what I could possibly say or be for another person, am I smart enough, I'm not like so-and-so... my mind is not always a kind place to me. Well, at least I haven't had that track record. Condemnation and harsh words come much more naturally- at least to myself. For others- I can be the most encouraging cheerleader for them. But for me- not so much. 

To be completely transparent (as if I'm not already bearing my soul here) things at my current work looked like they might let me go Part-time, so I let my news hang in the balance for several weeks. It wasn't until they said I couldn't stay part-time with this other job that I had to think about my career goals and where I want to be in 5 years... and a path that at least is going to help me establish a career in counseling- including the hours and supervision to get licensed- well, those offers don't come around everyday. I had to face my fears and evaluate them for what they were- complete unknowns that really held no merit, and I was letting the voices of fear hold me back from something that could be great. Even with telling my current coworkers about the new position and my leaving an organization I have fallen in love with- I kept the secret because deep down, I had feared that they wouldn't care about this opportunity for me anyway. I was shockingly dismayed by the overflow of heartfelt congratulations yesterday. I grew so much in the 2.5 years in that role- personally and professionally. I made some beautiful friendships that weren't just coworkers. It still doesn't feel real that tomorrow I'm going to start a new chapter- one that I honestly didn't forsee in the cards for me, and still don't know what that will look like. And that's ok. 

 I started a new small group last week with the ministry I'm a part of (but already knew most of the women) and the way they explained checking in with integrity had me thinking all week- "Am I living in such a way that lines up with the Word of God in my life and what He has called me to" and we ask each other this piece each week. It could have been easy to "spin" the story of my accepting this offer to tarnish the company I'm leaving or slander my boss or coworkers, but I can also omit those details when telling someone else. Those pieces really don't matter at the end of the day, and that's not who I am or what I want to be about. My not announcing the decision to many of my coworkers was way more about the lies that I tell myself than anything about the decision to grow in my career. I really thought I didn't matter and hadn't made much of an impact on our unit... and the looks of coworkers who just found on my last day expressed deep hurt that that thought was so untrue. What a lie I had believed. Listening to my fears did so much damage to us both. 

I've (half) jokingly had said "Who thought that I was a big girl and could leave this position? I've become really good at Disney princess sing-alongs!" and my friend Mel responded with "Well, God did". Huh. Maybe God sees something that can be used in this pile of broken pieces after all. I might be good at Disney sing-along, but apparently He thinks I'm ready for more too. And I won't know if I don't step out and try. Another friend Erica had me write out a "parachute plan"- my worst case scenarios and what-if's, and then logically look at them and see if they have any merit. I wrote things like "my migraines might explode again" or "my sleep might get really wonky". Those things might be true. But they aren't enough for me to not even try. I'm doing absolutely everything in my power currently to pro-actively set myself up for success. So tomorrow is a big day. I've laid everything out- cooked yummy foods, packed my lunch, talked with my niece & nephew Jackson's birthday is tomorrow!) packed my bag, set out my clothes, blogged some of this nervous energy... I give it all to God. If He's finally leading me to do this, He knows what will come too. I have nothing to fear. 

Harsh words

I was recently challenged by a video from an online mommy hero of mine, and it has pierced my heart for the last few weeks. She asked her fellow interviewees some of the things that they "tell" themselves about ourselves, our performance, who we are, etc. She then explained how we wouldn't dare ever think those things about our sisters, friends, whomever, but it seems "justified" somehow to think them about ourselves at present. Then she brought out pictures of these women from their childhood. These adorable pig-tailed, toothless beauties who were so innocent and full of wonder, and the women couldn't tell those things about their 'current' thoughts to their little selves either. The challenge made its point beautifully. I am my HARSHEST critic. Not only should my ducks ALL be in a row, but I should weigh 20 lbs less, always be adorable in my fashion choices, be thriving in my career and utilizing the Grad-School education that I'm still paying for, our step-kids should highlight all of our success as parents, our blended family should never have any issues or flaws- but get along perfectly, I shouldn't be in pain (ever, about anything), my house should be immaculate and always clean, any medication I take should work by-the-book as well as my body (which always plays by the rules of western Medicine) our finances should be awesome, our life at church should be thriving and excelling, our marriage (all 16 months of glory) should be publish-worthy... pretty much, we shouldn't have any flaws and life should look like a pintrest dream. I'm not allowed to have bruises or struggles. However, that idea is so far from the truth of my reality. The "Shoulds" of life are what get me down the most. Because my life is so far from the dream I had in my head, and I struggle to accept and admit that 1) I don't have my ducks even in the same pond 2) Life is just H.A.R.D. all around 3) Where I thought I should be or what I should "have" seems so far from the reality I wake up to each day at 3am because I can't even sleep through the night right now. This is a hard season. I know it won't last forever. I know I serve a faithful God who provides for His children, least of all Hope for His faithful.

So I brought a picture of me from my childhood to illustrate Kristina's point to my work (where I sit for 9+ hours of the day with these crazy thoughts and beat myself up). In this particular picture, I have cut my own bangs. The night before pictures. My mom did a decent job of trying to disguise it for the photo though. But I am so awestruck and innocent about life- which seems like an eon ago from the struggles of adulthood. Before daily headaches and migraines. Before Graduate School. Before a devastating stroke. Before bills. Before marriage. Before blending a family. Before a sexual assault. Before debt. Before doctors had all but given up hope on a body that didn't play by the rules that they were taught in medical school. This little girl is precious. She is exactly what Proverbs 139 talks about when being "Fearfully and wonderfully made" but I so EASILY I forget that thought when I tell myself the lies life should look a certain way and I should be a certain way way by now. I struggle against this reality I am instead surrounded in, and against the dream I have made up of how life should instead look. I can tell my friends & co-workers those things of truth and call out the crazy of their thoughts so quickly, but myself... that's a different issue. I'm trying to get that back into alignment right now instead, and it's my biggest struggle at the moment. Let's hope that this experiment from Kristina helps my focus and speaking truth that I so desperately need to hear in the now. May it encourage you to do something similar, because it is so much harder to say those crazy lies to our younger, adorable, toothless selves, which are still us, just not the years of harsh reality layered their silly burdens upon to think that life has to be a joy-less, duty-filled struggles of tasks and survival. May the pictures of our younger selves remind us of hope for today and that there is a God who wants us to abandon the to-do lists and Trust that He has a plan- it just may not look like the one we had aligned in our heads of shoulds and rules...

First Mother's Day

Mother's day. This is a very complicated holiday for me. Although I adore my mother and now my mother-in-law too, and I'm thankful for the "surrogate" mom's that have helped nurture me spiritually & emotionally while I live apart from my own mother, this day is one of so many emotions for me. I am beyond thankful and grateful for two amazing kiddos that will probably never know the depth of my mama bear protection for them and my advocating for them behind the scenes. I have two seriously talented and amazing creatures in my life that I am blessed to call "my step-children", though truth-be-told, it's often easier to leave out the "step" title in talking about them and bragging about them to others. Other people, especially passing clients at work, don't need to know our situation. I have a fantastic niece and nephew back in Michigan, who bring me so much joy with their smiles and laughter, and I look forward to the little beings that they will become someday. I have an amazing husband, who has never for one second let me think that I am somehow "less than" because I made the choice to not have biological children, or that I am "JUST" a step any-thing. He faithfully reminds me that his children adore me and I make them intentionally feel chosen, while reminding them of WHOSE they really are and what incredible talent(s) they have both been blessed with for HIS glory.

However, it is also a day filled with pain for me, and this is not a sympathy post, but a "working out these complicated emotions" post. As I have seen so many of my friends struggling with infertility, the heart-break and loss that comes with that kind of grief is like no other. Honestly, you will never understand until you have gone through a similar trial to understand that level of grief. I have made the decision that my health complications are far too numerous to take the chance in having biological children of my own, and that was a decision I made years before I met my husband. God knew the turmoil that would be wrestling deep within my soul, and He has blessed me with two incredible little blessings that I get to journey with, being a second voice to nurture and love them along their path of life. However, this holiday is still hard for me to deal with, since it is so complicated with so many layers. Yes, not having children was my choice, and one that I did not make lightly or without lot's of prayers and counsel. However, I am also painfully reminded with each of our pick up and drop off times with their bio-mother that I will never be the one that these two beautiful kids call mom. I will never replace Emily, nor do I want to. These awesome babies need their mother- and she provides a completely different set of nurturing than I ever can. But, I will never know the complicated joys that it can be to pull an all nighter with a crying infant, kiss booboos to make it all better, and work through the initial head strong years of will-full-ness of a toddler.

I have entered the lives of my two kiddos when they are entering puberty, managing the challenges of school and the realm of attraction and dating, while playing team sports and learning all the nuances that come with competitive sports in your teens. I never knew of divorce in my family, and then suddenly- I entered motherhood half-way through. Even my beautiful friends who are also bonus moms will someday have children "of their own", so this stage that I am in will probably always be one that many will not understand. Nor do I expect people to even try. Having to have split time with our kids so that they (and we) can all have time with them is not "normal" and takes a lot of patience in trying to understand the complex layers of our situation. I'm tired of trying to explain it, so I remain isolated because it's all so complex.

This day is complicated. I have no idea what to think of for our first official mother's day together as a family. I'm trying to help these kids honor their mother this year by decorating flower pots for her. My feelings about her do not matter- I want these kids to pay their respects to the very hard job their mom has had over the years, and for one day remind her that it does matter to who they are becoming. I am still wrestling through what Sunday will mean personally for myself and what this day will look like for me, and that may be a lifetime of learning to come.

The fury of a mother

I know I have been mostly silent for awhile. There have been a lot of changes since my last published blog- but I have had many, many draft posts since becoming a wife and step-mother. The adventures are daily, and often too crazy to even talk aloud about. It's wonderful and full and absolutely never, ever boring. Marriage has refined both of us, and I'm un-learning how to be stubbornly independent & single while he's un-learning the things that went wrong for him in his first time around and living like a bachelor for the last 4 years. We are not each other's ex's, and God knew we needed one another to do some internal works in us both. The addition of two bonus kids and becoming a step-mom has been an absolute whirlwind- think motherhood on exponential steroids at speeds of 10,000 miles an hour in first gear and you might come close.

Since becoming a step-mom, I can understand the plight and desperation of many of my mother's that come to see me for records & radiology images at work with a much more adept understanding & empathy. There are several mom's that come to mind recently, with their fears, questions, love and desperation for answers, and because of HIPAA reasons, I cannot talk about many of the details of their individual situations. Being on the other side of the desk & window(s) myself as a medical anomaly proved to be an amazing impetus for my passion to pray for my clients and patients. However, since becoming a mother myself, it's added an entirely new depths & dimensions that cannot be described. I had a mother come to me needing her son's imaging because they were finally going to the Mayo Clinic after being on the wait list for 8+ months for what they thought was a tumor in his brain. He's 4 months younger than my daughter. From custody battles, abuse, yet-diagnosed or untreated conditions, to kids simply being kids and 125% in all they do... well, I can now personally understand and sympathize with these mom's that see life in very dark, uncertain and desperate moments and I totally understand that mama bear feeling of needing answers when there seems to be tunnel vision and little hope. May I be a part of bringing them peace to their uncertain times.

Thoughts on the Anniversary

I say it every year on my "Anniversary" now... I never wanted this anniversary, nor do I know how to even talk about it. Happy, um, "God choose to intervene in some crazy ways through the ordinary and I'm now part of the Walking Miracle Club" day?? I realize that we all of some crazy stories of how God has interrupted the usual and made things APPARENT that He is actually the One in charge and our thoughts are WAY too small of Him & what He can do... But I've seen a LOT of that in my 35 years of life now, and I'm excited to be a living testimony of some of the things He is more than able to do now.

The ways that things "lined up" that day 7 years ago just CAN'T be coincidence. And now I certainly want to live up to the 2nd chance at life I've been given. I get beyond discouraged with myself now whenever I encounter a "set-back", like a headache or something along those lines so that I can't "DO" something important... as if that's all that God has wanted this 2nd chance at breath to be about. I've never been one who is graceful with myself but try to be someone who extends it willingly and abundantly to others, probably to a fault. Having grace with myself, especially for any "setback" to not achieve it all and instantly at that, well, that's something I'm still learning. Maybe because I "haven't gotten it" is part of the reason that I'm still bewildering Medical staff and get the most "random" aliments that confuse even specialists in the field. Now 7+ years later, I take pride in the fact that my body didn't play by the rules. That God chose me to "show off" within. That you "can't tell" that my brain exploded 7 years ago. That I'm different now. That God chose me. That STILL floors me- that God looked at my life and somehow thought that there was something He wanted to do through me and that He needed to intervene to do so. I pray that I will live intentionally and thoughtfully now with the breath that I've been given, extending love and His grace to those that I meet, even if at first it needs to be given to me as my first assignment. May I love well.

The very random thoughts of Amy Christine

Choosing JOY in the liminal season(s)

Liminal. The official definition states "'liminal' comes from the Latin word limens, which means, "threshold." “… It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else." My counselor described it to me as the "Not Yet" seasons, as when someone is pregnant and anticipating the arrival of their baby, or you are about to get a promotion at work and it's not happening yet. I am very much in some liminal seasons currently, with my car, all three of my jobs, my roller coaster health, my relationship with the Rugged Man, being stretched in 10000 directions, sapping friendships, long distance with my family back in Michigan... I do not yield to "rest" or much "self-care" (easily or naturally) so much of this has to be reminded to me by loved ones to still TAKE TIME FOR ME in the midst of the roller coaster(s) I'm on. Much of this comes down to a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to CHOOSE AND SEEK JOY in the "NOT YET" moments.

I got so excited today while talking to my counselor about these new revelations for myself lately, of starting to make ME a priority again, including making time for workout(s), eating better, not taking on the uncomfortability someone else has with some choice I HAVE MADE FOE ME, and asking God for HIS PERSPECTIVE and eyes in my current job. It's been helping my perspective so much, with accepting the things that I cannot change and living in the PRESENT. I've said all these words in the past, but truly believing them and deciding to live them out with purpose, courage and steadfast decision confidence and TRUSTING that God has me where I AM RIGHT NOW for a reason... well, that's different altogether. It may not be something that others can even decifier in my demeanor or how I show up, but I KNOW. It's for me, a conscious decision to not wish or pray for something else, a new job, a different living situation, an altered relationship that "looks more like _________, a changed past that certainly doesn't include anything that I actually have in reality... I was telling my counselor what a shift things have been for me lately of choosing to invest and be intentional about some of the particular patients I have at the hospital. I'm seeking to make that my "secret" ministry. They don't know that I'm praying behind the scenes for them, but there is POWER in knowing that God has redeemed my past and given me THIS job to encourage patients each evening. And I'm surprisingly good at what I do. Another friend called it out this morning: IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGISTRATION COUNTER, COWERING IN FEAR, WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S TO COME. God is CHOOSING to use THAT in me. That kind of empathy can't be taught or learned except through the crucible of having been through something incredibly difficult with your own health. I've said it 10000 times before, I didn't WANT THIS story. I never thought God would use a STROKE at 28 and a sexual assault at 30 to refine me, change me, to humble me, to help me (again) realize that it's not even about me in "my" story.

So I'm seeking joy in the daily moments. Not having to have this ultra plan of things laid out and going according to "MY" plan (which that 'illusion' of control makes me "feel" as if I can do something to make it all happen... has been incredibly freeing. For a 1st born, perfectionist who's very determined and stubborn, it's a journey to let go and have grace with yourself as you learn to embrace all this, a daily choice to choose JOY above all else, moment by moment. It's a beautiful MESS and I'm choosing to be intentional and embrace what I have been given RIGHT NOW as a GIFT. Not the someday, not the future, not the changes that are going to be made, the right here & now, as it all is, gift of TODAY. I choose and embrace THIS. This joyous gift of NOW. And that's freeing and liberating to allow me to enjoy all that He has given me today.

Love,
Amy Christine

The Memory is RETURNING!

For those of you who may have entered my life recently, all this might be new news to grapple with. For those of you who have been walking with me for years, I have some amazing news to continue to announce. I hadn't said much for awhile partly because I was wondering how long this might last, and that scared me. When you've had something and then it gets taken away, you wonder after when you have ANY glimmer of hope if you're ever going to feel "NORMAL" ever again, or what that NEW NORMAL will look like.

While I was in the hospital, my family and I were told all these crazy things that I've shown the doctors that they were {now} false [see my driving record, going back to GRADUATE school 6 months later, walking my sister down the aisle 5 months to the day of my stroke, every day gaining something back/some functioning that I hadn't had previously and thought I would never get back]. It's been a TRUE JOY to celebrate milestones and victories that you were told "YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN..." or "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE ANYMORE" and with tears in my eyes DO THEM. It makes things like graduating with your MASTERS DEGREE all the sweeter. Yes, it's an accomplishment and I'm part of a minority to do so. But even more so when you were told that it SHOULDN'T be possible, and yet... I have that diploma framed and it's my profile picture on here to remember how precious it is. My life is SO FAR from anything anyone else could think of as "normal" it is almost laughable. And yet, one of the biggest adjustments post-stroke is dealing with what I had thought my life would look like previously not being the case now, for a multitude of reasons. Earlier this week on facebook I announced that I'm able to remember my dreams at night again, and not just my nightmares. Again, when just a couple short years ago I couldn't remember my breakfast that morning, this is a huge accomplishment to realize for myself.

I've been realizing it for several months, but it's kind of "ironic" that the very things that I can remember in the relationship I'm in are the things that he forgets, and vice versa. Dates, times, bills & deadlines, I can recall those things for both of us now. Even remembering where miscellaneous things are located at his house when I don't live there... And I'm not having to rely on my 2nd brain nearly as much (aka- the color coded calendar in my phone. I can remember details WITHOUT having to look back through texts, emails, etc and remember where we are meeting and what day without having to reference the calendar first to know!) People, this is HUGE. There are lot's of memories still in the "Swiss Cheese" parts of brain that I may never get back, but the ability to recall these silly little details of life again is a pretty big deal. While most people won't understand it, just know it's a big deal for me. And for that, I think I deserve something to celebrate this occurrence in my life :) Yeah for self-care and something to celebrate for me!

With lots of celebratory love,
Amy Christtine