Life as of July 21, 2011

Today is Thursday, July 21, and I feel like I am going to drown most moments to be perfectly honest. This is probably the lowest I've been in a long time, and I hate it. To describe my life and situations right now sounds like a horribly scripted play that you couldn't pay me to watch, and instead, I have to get up every morning and make more angry phone calls, try to figure things out with switching from my crappy insurance company to Medicare (because I'm still on SS Disability, but none of my social workers will get back to me to explain how the process works and it's beyond frustrating to deal with it all alone). I went camping last weekend with some former outpatients from Craig Hospital, and though I've been spoiled by the beauty of nature in Colorado, the Black Hills of South Dakota was still pretty to be in and I had a ton of fun playing cards and sitting around the campfire with them. Unfortunately, I returned home to find out that my house had been flooded by the monsoon rains we have been having (my window well filled up with about 100+ gallons of water and the window broke) and my renters insurance won't cover any of it. To make matters worse, I thought of having a garage sale and having friends donate stuff but I would sell it, but I can't have it at my place... so all of the money I had put aside for moving is probably going to be used to replace this stuff instead.

Friends of mine in Indianapolis have said they want me to move in with them for free and another friend is selling her place and getting rid of her stuff, so that would be things I don't have to haul across the country, so though I am leaving behind a huge support system here in Colorado, Indianapolis seems to be more and more where God seems to be opening up doors right now. That scares me, but I sense that He's asking me to trust. Many of the events as of late seem to be helping to point in that direction as well, as scary and uneasy as that is. Last week I went to a Mat Kearney concert, and he's seriously one of my favorite musicians ever. He just speaks to my soul, and the show was great! One of my unofficial summer bucket list checks for sure! This song has always spoke to my soul, but in light of what feels like the bottom coming out from under me... well, once again, Mat, Thank you. An excerpt from "Closer to Love"

If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now, from so far away
You pull me closer to love, closer to love

Meet me once again, down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind
And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon, you're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon

So here's what I'm thinking as of right now. Filing out paperwork for Medicare and Social Security (they seem linked somehow, still figuring out the process!); writing a letter to my insurance company with pictures telling them that it SHOULD be covered and why and hoping that does something; currently living between my car, the garage, the queen room of the Downing House, and some things in storage at Tara's and Brianna's still (but obviously haven't needed it for months); the documentary clip that I was doing for the Seminary I will be continuing to shoot on Wednesday; helping friends move back to Indianapolis on Saturday (I'll actually have friends from school to come back to!!); and some more doctor's appointments if I can find everything that was "where I left it" before the disaster struck... Good LORD I have no idea where anything is now! Thank you roommates for moving it all, but seriously, where is ---- now? Ugh, I just need a map or 30 more hours in the day- for medicare and this switchover and getting a supplement plan, for all my crap, money and a job to move- I just need my life to fall into place already! There's just so much to handle and coordinate and it feels like so much, and I actually long for the days where I just had graduate school to coordinate because that seemed "simpler". I just shake my head thinking of all the things that need to get accomplished and when they are actually going to get done. People have asked what they could do for me, but honestly, unless you're going to sit on hold on the phone or sort through warped books and papers, most of this has to be done by me unfortunately. So life sucks right now, but even amidst the trials I still know He's here, even if it doesn't feel like it and I'm pissed about my circumstances. Life doesn't make sense. Maybe it's not supposed to. My dreams of writing a book are still there and this will certainly be a chapter, but hopefully just a lowly chapter. And that's all that's on the brain for now, so thanks for letting me take a brain dump :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Seeking direction

I'm broken and looking for direction. I really thought my next step was Indianapolis, and maybe it still is, but right now, I need healing and support and making a cross-country move to virtually start my life over again doesn't feel very supportive. The main reason I would be making the move would be to be closer to my family, and with them still four hours away, it's not as though they can just come over if something "comes up". So once again, I'm seeking direction when I thought I had it, and I HATE this aimless feeling. I know I'll look back at this time 6 months or a year from now and go, "wow, I grew a lot then", but right now... I just feel aimless and without purpose. With being a very driven person who fought for everything back in the last 2.5 years through graduate school and the stroke... this sucks and has taken me very much by surprise. I don't know what to do so just cry and journal. I wish it was different, but it's not. I've done all that I can do, and I am just waiting for God to do what He is going to do or other people to do their parts now. I'm not very patient. You probably haven't noticed that. So for now I wait. It feels like an eternity, but I know it is just hours passing. My to-do list of things I don't really "want" to do still sits there, day by day, still not getting done. Maybe tomorrow I'll get motivation to do something about it. But for now I wait and pray for direction on what is next. I don't want to go any place that God is not leading me, but feel I need healing somewhat first (and hope that makes sense). Thursday I leave to go camping with some outpatients from when I was in the hospital at Craig years ago. I think time in the wilderness in the Black Hills of South Dakota will do my heart some good right now as I ponder my next steps.

For those of you in Indiana that thought I was moving back, maybe I still am. For those of you who have been my support here in Colorado and my family away from "home", thank you for your continued support. I love you very, very much. This months are seemingly dark but I know they are not without hope. I still choose joy.
Love,
Amy Christine

Learning Boundaries

I'm learning boundaries, probably healthy ones for the first time. Anyone who really knows me knows that my boundaries suck. I say yes to all the wrong things, and no to the things that would actually be beneficial to me and help me grow. It's usually that way, well beyond the point of being able to do anything about that it dawns on me what I have done, in one of those Homer Simpson 'DUH' moments. It's become classic Amy after 30 years really, but I've come to hate it. So this book has been on my list things to read for years, and the pile of books to read after graduation was at least up to my knees, but Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend was one book that I took with my on my trip to Jamaica with my family, and I am so glad I finally got around to starting it. The way that they use scripture and psychological insights... well, it's just a great insight for someone who needs better boundaries personally. This analogy hit me hard as I was reading yesterday.

p.93 in talking about law#6, The law of Evaluation and using the analogy of going to the dentist.
"Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?" I asked.
"Sure."
"Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?"
"Yes."
"Did he harm you?"
"No, he made me feel better."
'Hurt and harm are different," I pointed out. "When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?"
"No, it tasted good," he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on.
"Did it harm you?"
"Yes."
"That's my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us."

Hurt vs. Harm. Even after a master's degree in counseling, this explanation seems so simple, and yet so monumentally huge. The depth and weight that it conveys, and the sheer magnitude of the difference between hurting and harming. Wow. I am just learning a lot right now, reading a lot of books that are making me think and grow in ways I didn't know that I needed to (in a good and healthy way) about a lot of different things, but this area for sure. This is one of the key books to do something about it in my life and help me grow in this area and learn to do something about the things that I've never known how to do something about. I just want to grow and learn to be healthy in this next season as I grow into it, whatever it might be.
Love,
Amy Christine

Roller Coaster Kind Of Life

I went to Jamaica with my family last week, and much like I do with Christmas, I fantasized about this get-away island paradise for weeks. Literally, it was all that was getting me through those last weeks of school and some brutal nights at work, because I had an island getaway coming up... The days by the pool and sipping drinks, snorkeling and scuba, and time with my family was for the most part, good. Scuba and snorkeling was amazing- I got to see coral, sea urchin, and eels-- and I now think I'm in love with snorkeling?! People have asked me (and rightly so) wasn't it just amazing? Unfortunately, the getaway left me thinking "is this it?" With all of that time reading and contemplating life by the pool, I asked some hard questions, about myself, my life post-graduate school and where I might be headed now, of God, of my family... I've become a much more contemplative person in the last few years. I think it was always there, this serious side of me, but with the years of learning how to listen well in school as a counselor, I've realized that I've been given 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason... I am a much better listener than talker after all, which is not how I have lived or how I have been known and that's okay. This new season of post-school also means new rules and definitions. I get to define things on my terms and how the Lord wants to use me, even if that isn't how I've been used in the past. I did better with a routine and set schedule to know what was coming up (hence school was really good for me because it gave me boundaries, even if I rebelled against them at every turn!) I actually forgot what day of the week it was Thursday about halfway through!

So life right now is uncomfortable. It's unlearning some familiar boundaries that I've grown accustomed to over the last 2 years since being back in school, and now post (graduated) and questioning everything. I realized after spending that much time with my family that we have our issues like every family does, and that's part of the human condition. The trip left me wanting more, wanting things to be different somehow, and has made me question so many things since. So now I'm questioning pretty much everything- where is my next step, why, where to look and for what, and being disciplined with what I have in the now. It's already July 4th weekend, and I've barely made a dent in my bucket list. There are a lot more things that I want to do, especially this month. I have a lot to think about. Without school and after those interactions with my family, I feel like there is a security blanket being swiped out from under me. Maybe it hasn't after all. Maybe I'm just searching for God knows what right now and needing direction. I'm scared, hesitant, not wanting to make a move lest it be a wrong one. I'm just terrified being out in the open now. I thought this would be so freeing, but instead, it's proving to be the opposite so far and freezing me in place, almost unmovable. I know wherever God asks me to go, He will provide friends, a church, a place to live, a job, etc-- He always has in the past and has been so faithful so if He asks me to go some place, I know He will also provide for me to be there as well. This uncertainty has nothing to do with my interactions with my family from that trip, but rather, just the quiet of being by the pool, reading, and reflecting. Right now is just scary with all of the unknowns surrounding it, not really knowing anything that lays ahead of me. I don't do well without a plan, even a rough sketch of an idea of what might be ahead. I thought I had the city and I could move forward, and maybe I need to take more time to pray about that as my option to make sure it is where He really wants me. Until then, I'll keep working on my bucket list and trying to remain faithful in the little things.
Love,
Amy Christine