Today is Thursday, July 21, and I feel like I am going to drown most moments to be perfectly honest. This is probably the lowest I've been in a long time, and I hate it. To describe my life and situations right now sounds like a horribly scripted play that you couldn't pay me to watch, and instead, I have to get up every morning and make more angry phone calls, try to figure things out with switching from my crappy insurance company to Medicare (because I'm still on SS Disability, but none of my social workers will get back to me to explain how the process works and it's beyond frustrating to deal with it all alone). I went camping last weekend with some former outpatients from Craig Hospital, and though I've been spoiled by the beauty of nature in Colorado, the Black Hills of South Dakota was still pretty to be in and I had a ton of fun playing cards and sitting around the campfire with them. Unfortunately, I returned home to find out that my house had been flooded by the monsoon rains we have been having (my window well filled up with about 100+ gallons of water and the window broke) and my renters insurance won't cover any of it. To make matters worse, I thought of having a garage sale and having friends donate stuff but I would sell it, but I can't have it at my place... so all of the money I had put aside for moving is probably going to be used to replace this stuff instead.
Friends of mine in Indianapolis have said they want me to move in with them for free and another friend is selling her place and getting rid of her stuff, so that would be things I don't have to haul across the country, so though I am leaving behind a huge support system here in Colorado, Indianapolis seems to be more and more where God seems to be opening up doors right now. That scares me, but I sense that He's asking me to trust. Many of the events as of late seem to be helping to point in that direction as well, as scary and uneasy as that is. Last week I went to a Mat Kearney concert, and he's seriously one of my favorite musicians ever. He just speaks to my soul, and the show was great! One of my unofficial summer bucket list checks for sure! This song has always spoke to my soul, but in light of what feels like the bottom coming out from under me... well, once again, Mat, Thank you. An excerpt from "Closer to Love"
If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now, from so far away
You pull me closer to love, closer to love
Meet me once again, down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind
And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon, you're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon
So here's what I'm thinking as of right now. Filing out paperwork for Medicare and Social Security (they seem linked somehow, still figuring out the process!); writing a letter to my insurance company with pictures telling them that it SHOULD be covered and why and hoping that does something; currently living between my car, the garage, the queen room of the Downing House, and some things in storage at Tara's and Brianna's still (but obviously haven't needed it for months); the documentary clip that I was doing for the Seminary I will be continuing to shoot on Wednesday; helping friends move back to Indianapolis on Saturday (I'll actually have friends from school to come back to!!); and some more doctor's appointments if I can find everything that was "where I left it" before the disaster struck... Good LORD I have no idea where anything is now! Thank you roommates for moving it all, but seriously, where is ---- now? Ugh, I just need a map or 30 more hours in the day- for medicare and this switchover and getting a supplement plan, for all my crap, money and a job to move- I just need my life to fall into place already! There's just so much to handle and coordinate and it feels like so much, and I actually long for the days where I just had graduate school to coordinate because that seemed "simpler". I just shake my head thinking of all the things that need to get accomplished and when they are actually going to get done. People have asked what they could do for me, but honestly, unless you're going to sit on hold on the phone or sort through warped books and papers, most of this has to be done by me unfortunately. So life sucks right now, but even amidst the trials I still know He's here, even if it doesn't feel like it and I'm pissed about my circumstances. Life doesn't make sense. Maybe it's not supposed to. My dreams of writing a book are still there and this will certainly be a chapter, but hopefully just a lowly chapter. And that's all that's on the brain for now, so thanks for letting me take a brain dump :)
Love,
Amy Christine
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