I went to Jamaica with my family last week, and much like I do with Christmas, I fantasized about this get-away island paradise for weeks. Literally, it was all that was getting me through those last weeks of school and some brutal nights at work, because I had an island getaway coming up... The days by the pool and sipping drinks, snorkeling and scuba, and time with my family was for the most part, good. Scuba and snorkeling was amazing- I got to see coral, sea urchin, and eels-- and I now think I'm in love with snorkeling?! People have asked me (and rightly so) wasn't it just amazing? Unfortunately, the getaway left me thinking "is this it?" With all of that time reading and contemplating life by the pool, I asked some hard questions, about myself, my life post-graduate school and where I might be headed now, of God, of my family... I've become a much more contemplative person in the last few years. I think it was always there, this serious side of me, but with the years of learning how to listen well in school as a counselor, I've realized that I've been given 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason... I am a much better listener than talker after all, which is not how I have lived or how I have been known and that's okay. This new season of post-school also means new rules and definitions. I get to define things on my terms and how the Lord wants to use me, even if that isn't how I've been used in the past. I did better with a routine and set schedule to know what was coming up (hence school was really good for me because it gave me boundaries, even if I rebelled against them at every turn!) I actually forgot what day of the week it was Thursday about halfway through!
So life right now is uncomfortable. It's unlearning some familiar boundaries that I've grown accustomed to over the last 2 years since being back in school, and now post (graduated) and questioning everything. I realized after spending that much time with my family that we have our issues like every family does, and that's part of the human condition. The trip left me wanting more, wanting things to be different somehow, and has made me question so many things since. So now I'm questioning pretty much everything- where is my next step, why, where to look and for what, and being disciplined with what I have in the now. It's already July 4th weekend, and I've barely made a dent in my bucket list. There are a lot more things that I want to do, especially this month. I have a lot to think about. Without school and after those interactions with my family, I feel like there is a security blanket being swiped out from under me. Maybe it hasn't after all. Maybe I'm just searching for God knows what right now and needing direction. I'm scared, hesitant, not wanting to make a move lest it be a wrong one. I'm just terrified being out in the open now. I thought this would be so freeing, but instead, it's proving to be the opposite so far and freezing me in place, almost unmovable. I know wherever God asks me to go, He will provide friends, a church, a place to live, a job, etc-- He always has in the past and has been so faithful so if He asks me to go some place, I know He will also provide for me to be there as well. This uncertainty has nothing to do with my interactions with my family from that trip, but rather, just the quiet of being by the pool, reading, and reflecting. Right now is just scary with all of the unknowns surrounding it, not really knowing anything that lays ahead of me. I don't do well without a plan, even a rough sketch of an idea of what might be ahead. I thought I had the city and I could move forward, and maybe I need to take more time to pray about that as my option to make sure it is where He really wants me. Until then, I'll keep working on my bucket list and trying to remain faithful in the little things.
Love,
Amy Christine
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