Bringing up my own stuff

I am about to volunteer at Rehabilitation Hospital of Indiana with the Stroke Survivors there, but really have zero idea of what I am getting into so far, as when I started out, the volunteer coordinator resigned on the same day. When I volunteered at Craig Hospital in Denver, it was by far, the best experience I have ever had. So far, being at RHI- although much smaller than Craig, allows me to dream of what if we could make RHI like a Craig, a place where rehab takes place in peoples’ lives and transforms them. As I am reading about the differences in strokes, and much of the information I already knew because I did a presentation on them in my “Grief and Loss" class in graduate school, my own crap is coming up. I’m realizing that I don’t have things as worked through and ironed out as I would like to believe or even let on. I wish there was someone I could take these thoughts to and ask them, but even the people who have been by my side since the stroke have varied as well as my doctors, counselors, etc- so it’s not like I can just call up someone and say, “Hey, have I always been this way post-stroke?” I hate that my life is now even determined and categorized like that. In a way, it’s something to be proud of. But Satan loves to discourage me and remind me of how much further along I should be by now. I love the way that Jolene, my counselor back in Colorado put it when I was training for the 5k- ‘just tell that voice, ‘hey, remember when a few years ago we couldn’t walk? So shut up, we’re going for a run today.” So I know I want to volunteer and offer some hope to other Stroke Survivors because I know how hopeless it feels, but even preparing to do this feels daunting. So I sit here and cry as I read the manual of different kinds of strokes. I find myself getting angry whenever I see the "risk factors" for a stroke, because I didn't have any. God allowed this to happen, but it's not His fault. I am changed forever, and will stop looking for the reasons why it happened to me but be a offering of hope to someone else looking for redemption. Lord, I want to be your instrument for change, regardless of how hard it is for me in the mean time. Help me to accept that and be willing.
Love,
Amy Christine