Apparently, I worship a God who is a show-off. I always believed in that truth for others... but doubt it when it comes time to believe it for me. I had one of the best doctors appointments ever this morning. I think I see a doctor for SOMETHING like once a week. That makes me want to vomit. But I digress. I have been waiting to see this particular new neurologist for 8 MONTHS. Talk about anticipation. He showed me the scans I had on file from the Stroke (2009) and from this fall (2012) and although you can still see the stroke's effect on my cerebellum in both hemisphere's, he was amazed that it was the same person sitting next to him in his office. He told me that someone with a scan like that, with that kind of damage, SHOULD BE IN A WHEELCHAIR. He even made the comment to the resident intern in the room with us "I really can't tell by her gait (walk) that there was ANY NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE". Um, what? I've been told for 4 years that I'm NOT NORMAL, and you're now implying that I am. Can you tell that to those others doctors who have doubted me please? Please, SHOUT THAT LOUDER.
If you only KNEW the lies and attacks that come with a TBI, migraines, joint pain, these constant headaches- I don't know what a life without pain would even look like. I can't even fathom that. But for you sir, who are a trained professional in this field, to have gone to school and have years of experience in this field, to say that... Tears. Unspeakable Joy. Relief. Not only has my hard work paid off, BUT HE HAS DONE A MIRACLE IN MY LIFE! HE REALLY IS A GOD WHO REDEEMS AND MAKES ALL THINGS NEW!? That isn't just something I can say, but now my life IS A LIVING TESTIMONY OF THAT! For my friends who aren't believers yet, that's fine and I love you, but I can't make sense of some of the things that have happened to me and God has literally done something else entirely with them. The evidence is too clear, and I'm not going to get into a theological debate at all with anyone (for we're all entitled to our own beliefs), but faith in the GOD WHO IS IN THE BUSINESS OF RESTORING ALL THINGS IS WHERE I AM PUTTING MY TRUST! These things don't make sense, even to the medical community. I'm beyond pumped today, to go to work and make coffee- for I have hope again. Hope that there will be a day. And that God is doing something big- in me, through me, and even in spite of me. So keep doing it Lord. I don't like the process but the stunned look from professionals is totally worth it. So keep doing what you do best.
Love, Amy Christine
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Grateful
4 years ago my brain exploded. That word is so graphic, and I would cringe when my Dean of students would use it when referring to how my brain was now different after my stroke on 2/25/2009. I didn't like it because it was so graphic, but when you look at the situation, that is what happened. My brain exploded. There were probably many reasons leading up to my stroke (my obscene caffeine intake working at Starbucks, my perfectionist tendencies and the stress around me being in graduate school with constant headaches were only 3 that I can think of 'non-medically'). I'm not to the point where I can say 'Happy Anniversary', because although I am grateful for God intervening that fateful day and using it to make me into the person before you today, I'm not necessarily happy for it. Grateful, yes. Happy, no. Thankful to not be the person that I was before the stroke- so naive and having God in a box, trying to go overseas to do something with Sex-Trafficking... Not that those things aren't still important to me, but I feel a new burden State-side to work with people with a disability. This population is hard to reach because they are so defensive and many can approach life from a victim mentality. I know, because I have been there myself. Discounted and told all of the things you CANNOT do. And you believe the lies because they are coming from 'professionals'... after all, they went to school for this.
I am grateful that God saw a plan much bigger than myself or my desires, my needs, and cared more about reaching this population and wanted to use me first hand in telling them about the Hope and Redemption that only He can offer. He wanted me to have the knowledge of living out those trials myself first hand, AND getting a degree to help me on the more professional side of things. I have both. This is not how I would have done things... but there's a lot of responsibility that also comes with being God, so I'm just accepting that which is now. Yet, I'm also trying in many avenues to make the current me and future me better- in my health, spiritually, medically, physically, educationally, relationally, emotionally- in all of those areas I am pushing myself to grow and trying to surround myself with people that will help me to grow, even if it isn't "comfortable" (I mean, really- who likes to work out and train for a 5k?)
I very much am in this "not yet" season of life... I don't have yet the things that I thought I should have, but I'm not whining because I still believe they are coming. There are lessons I have to learn about myself and life before God can trust me with them. And I'm getting to a place when I can say that it's ok. You may have noticed a different 'Tone' in my blog lately. It's not a 'giving up' tone, but a grateful tone of becoming more thankful, even for small silly things. I am thankful that God is teaching me more about life and how to be thankful for the smaller things that turns out, aren't so insignificant after all. I'm doing the "Joy-Dare" (http://onethousandgifts.com/) by Ann Voskamp, and she challenges you to look at the life around you and each day, be thankful for 3 things, which usually seem insignificant at the time. 3 things that are white; 3 things- from your pantry, your kitchen, your bathroom; 3 things that are tin, wood, and glass- and I am finding that giving thanks for these smaller things is making me grateful for the things that are not yet. I'm needing to be in a place where I can actually receive the things that I have prayed for and to not see God as this omniscient vending machine- that if I just do these things a certain way, he'll reward me with what I have prayed for. Those things are blessings to help me on my journey, not destinations in and of themselves (as I could have been tempted to see them before if I'm being honest).
Thanks for continuing to follow my journey even 4 years later. It means a lot to know I still have people who love me and are reaching out, even in this 'Not Yet' space that I am in. I'm amazed at the person that stands before you today, and never would have thought this would be my journey. But I am thankful for where life has brought me and the lessons that I have learned along the way.
Love,
Amy Christine
I am grateful that God saw a plan much bigger than myself or my desires, my needs, and cared more about reaching this population and wanted to use me first hand in telling them about the Hope and Redemption that only He can offer. He wanted me to have the knowledge of living out those trials myself first hand, AND getting a degree to help me on the more professional side of things. I have both. This is not how I would have done things... but there's a lot of responsibility that also comes with being God, so I'm just accepting that which is now. Yet, I'm also trying in many avenues to make the current me and future me better- in my health, spiritually, medically, physically, educationally, relationally, emotionally- in all of those areas I am pushing myself to grow and trying to surround myself with people that will help me to grow, even if it isn't "comfortable" (I mean, really- who likes to work out and train for a 5k?)
I very much am in this "not yet" season of life... I don't have yet the things that I thought I should have, but I'm not whining because I still believe they are coming. There are lessons I have to learn about myself and life before God can trust me with them. And I'm getting to a place when I can say that it's ok. You may have noticed a different 'Tone' in my blog lately. It's not a 'giving up' tone, but a grateful tone of becoming more thankful, even for small silly things. I am thankful that God is teaching me more about life and how to be thankful for the smaller things that turns out, aren't so insignificant after all. I'm doing the "Joy-Dare" (http://onethousandgifts.com/) by Ann Voskamp, and she challenges you to look at the life around you and each day, be thankful for 3 things, which usually seem insignificant at the time. 3 things that are white; 3 things- from your pantry, your kitchen, your bathroom; 3 things that are tin, wood, and glass- and I am finding that giving thanks for these smaller things is making me grateful for the things that are not yet. I'm needing to be in a place where I can actually receive the things that I have prayed for and to not see God as this omniscient vending machine- that if I just do these things a certain way, he'll reward me with what I have prayed for. Those things are blessings to help me on my journey, not destinations in and of themselves (as I could have been tempted to see them before if I'm being honest).
Thanks for continuing to follow my journey even 4 years later. It means a lot to know I still have people who love me and are reaching out, even in this 'Not Yet' space that I am in. I'm amazed at the person that stands before you today, and never would have thought this would be my journey. But I am thankful for where life has brought me and the lessons that I have learned along the way.
Love,
Amy Christine
Friday, February 22, 2013
A new job, and reflections on the last 4 years :)
I am so beyond excited to start MY NEW JOB! After over 21 months of the searching, interviewing, following up, dreaming and then getting let down in the process, I HAVE A BIG KID JOB! I will be the newest addition to the Access Ability staff helping to teach disabled youth life skills. Although I was 28 when I had my stroke, having to re-learn every day tasks like walking, swallowing, and speech are universal and really don't matter about age. They are humbling to relearn at any age really. I believe the job will be helping disabled youth learn more life skills like laundry and cooking, which again, I had to re-learn over the course of the last 4 years as well.
One thing that they asked me in the interview (and is still yet unknown to me) is how I'm going to align with a client with a more outward disability that I can personally relate to their disability, even though mine is not "apparent" when you first meet me or interact with me. My honest answer was "I don't know yet". I don't know if I can say without a doubt "this is my answer of how I will approach all clients" because they are still an individual person, disability or no. On many levels, especially with my 4th year anniversary this Sunday and a currently the up and downs of these stupid headaches (this time because of the weather changes this week)... I wish on so many levels I did not have chronic pain or the stroke and it's effects on my life to manage as well. It's debilitating to say the least and very few people can even fathom what it's like to live with a TBI, chronic pains, the aftermath(s) of multiple traumas, mental health issues that cannot be battled with medications, or living at a fraction of the poverty level. I know there are several of my friends that deal with one or two of these, but all of them combined make me feel like a hot mess and a burden. However, I've had to stand back and consider myself BLESSED for these things to manage. Apparently there is someone that wants to walk with me THROUGH these things. He even wants TO USE ME THROUGH THEM. Although I hate that on many levels, it does comfort me to know that I have a Comforter that promises to be WITH ME through it all. I would not have the level of compassion that I have nor the desire to work with kids with disabilities IF IT WAS NOT FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME. There is a line in a song that has been on repeat in my head lately that says "YOU WORK ALL THINGS, TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD"... which honestly, is BAFFLING. I am still astonished that God not only ALLOWED these things to happen to me, and HE WILL USE THEM FOR GOOD IN MY LIFE. All of them. I don't want to deal with them, I would much rather attempt to "clean" myself up to then be used... but apparently that is not His plan.
So I start this new job on March 4. This sounds like an amazing opportunity to walk beside kids under 25 to speak hope into their lives and remind them that even WITH their disability that there is a plan. They can still do what they or others around them deam "impossible"... That was honestly one of my favorite things to hear from others and THEN prove them wrong. Walking, talking, swallowing, going back and completing my masters degree, driving again, living independently... I've heard the gamet- from the medical community and others 'who thought they knew what they were talking about', and yet, silenced the speakers by accomplishing what they said I could not do. So, on my 4th anniversary this weekend, I thank them. Thanks for doubting my abilities so that God could instead have the glory for doing what you had deemed impossible. Thank you. Thanks for allowing God to show up and do what He does best in my life, and being silenced instead. He knows best. Even in choosing me to live THIS WAY and have compassion and personal empathy with those that the world might discard and tell them that they cannot _____. I am excited to instead speak hope into their lives and be a different voice, one of a different tone. I consider it a blessing. This job is going to challenge so many things about my life, but I am so excited for that growth! What an honor 4 years after my own stroke for me to have this kind of job working with others in a like position to attempt to navigate life together. So these are my thoughts as I have my 4th anniversary and start this new job!
Love, Amy Christine
One thing that they asked me in the interview (and is still yet unknown to me) is how I'm going to align with a client with a more outward disability that I can personally relate to their disability, even though mine is not "apparent" when you first meet me or interact with me. My honest answer was "I don't know yet". I don't know if I can say without a doubt "this is my answer of how I will approach all clients" because they are still an individual person, disability or no. On many levels, especially with my 4th year anniversary this Sunday and a currently the up and downs of these stupid headaches (this time because of the weather changes this week)... I wish on so many levels I did not have chronic pain or the stroke and it's effects on my life to manage as well. It's debilitating to say the least and very few people can even fathom what it's like to live with a TBI, chronic pains, the aftermath(s) of multiple traumas, mental health issues that cannot be battled with medications, or living at a fraction of the poverty level. I know there are several of my friends that deal with one or two of these, but all of them combined make me feel like a hot mess and a burden. However, I've had to stand back and consider myself BLESSED for these things to manage. Apparently there is someone that wants to walk with me THROUGH these things. He even wants TO USE ME THROUGH THEM. Although I hate that on many levels, it does comfort me to know that I have a Comforter that promises to be WITH ME through it all. I would not have the level of compassion that I have nor the desire to work with kids with disabilities IF IT WAS NOT FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME. There is a line in a song that has been on repeat in my head lately that says "YOU WORK ALL THINGS, TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD"... which honestly, is BAFFLING. I am still astonished that God not only ALLOWED these things to happen to me, and HE WILL USE THEM FOR GOOD IN MY LIFE. All of them. I don't want to deal with them, I would much rather attempt to "clean" myself up to then be used... but apparently that is not His plan.
So I start this new job on March 4. This sounds like an amazing opportunity to walk beside kids under 25 to speak hope into their lives and remind them that even WITH their disability that there is a plan. They can still do what they or others around them deam "impossible"... That was honestly one of my favorite things to hear from others and THEN prove them wrong. Walking, talking, swallowing, going back and completing my masters degree, driving again, living independently... I've heard the gamet- from the medical community and others 'who thought they knew what they were talking about', and yet, silenced the speakers by accomplishing what they said I could not do. So, on my 4th anniversary this weekend, I thank them. Thanks for doubting my abilities so that God could instead have the glory for doing what you had deemed impossible. Thank you. Thanks for allowing God to show up and do what He does best in my life, and being silenced instead. He knows best. Even in choosing me to live THIS WAY and have compassion and personal empathy with those that the world might discard and tell them that they cannot _____. I am excited to instead speak hope into their lives and be a different voice, one of a different tone. I consider it a blessing. This job is going to challenge so many things about my life, but I am so excited for that growth! What an honor 4 years after my own stroke for me to have this kind of job working with others in a like position to attempt to navigate life together. So these are my thoughts as I have my 4th anniversary and start this new job!
Love, Amy Christine
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Hello again Memory!!
My memory. It's a very, very puzzling thing to live life, but not really be able to recall it, like many of the people I'm surrounded by. That's not a pity party for myself, I've just accepted this as the way I'm wired now. The fact I passed my comp's in May 2011 (an exam over the entirety of ALL of my grad school classes in one day, like 25 books and 12 classes and multiple weeks of preparation) continues to be testimony to God ALONE who allowed me to pass that. Actually, MOST of the last almost 4 years have been a testimony to His Grace. Even my chronic pain(s) now continue to allow me to keep things in proper perspective that I'm broken, finite, and have allowed me to become even more compassionate with those who also suffer with hidden or undiagnosed illnesses. Anywhoo...
So today at Starbucks two amazing events happened. For someone without memory problems or a TBI, this may not be a big deal, but I'm still BEAMING from what happened! First scenario, a customer walked in that I had been introduced to several days ago, and I still remembered his name and what drink we had been trying to get him to try, and those were my FIRST words out to him. Even as the words left my mouth I simply smiled at God with a smirk and said [in my mind] THANK YOU FOR THAT JESUS!? Second: About an hour later, a regular customer at my old store walked in to my new store, and even without having seen him IN MONTHS, I remembered his name! 2 years ago I could remember my breakfast. Today I could remember a man from months ago. That customer couldn't remember my name, and then said "Wow, I'm really impressed that you remembered me! You must be good with remembering people" ...If YOU ONLY KNEW DUDE. Funny thing about that... but I kept my mouth shut for today, and maybe someday I'll say something if the time is right.
However, today it was just a smile between God and I. About where I've come and what HE has now allowed me to do. I WOULD NOT HAVE CHOSEN ANY OF THESE OBSTACLES THAT I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS! You have to be kidding me. My life is better than a soap opera. So, I may not be curing cancer with my work. I make coffee and I babysit kids. I certainly didn't think that 8 months later, I would still be at Starbucks. However, it's a good job for now. And it allows me to connect with people that I may not be able to if I was working someplace else (where I might actually have to utilize my degree and education for my work with my clients). And that's ok. For now, God is providing, and little glimmers like today remind me again that He is GOOD. He has the best plan laid out for me. For months now, I've been kicking and screaming about where I am. ("But why haven't you answered my prayers for______" like a whiny 3 year old) Recently, I've calmed down and accepted it. He hasn't provided a way out of this. So apparently HERE is right where He wants me. A temper-tantrum only tires me out when I don't really have extra energy and/or resources to spare. So I've accepted it and asked for things to remind me that He is still here with me. Not in a 'giving up' manner, but rather in an acceptance of what I DO have. And it may not be what people around me have- of monetary wealth or families of their own, but I am blessed. It just may not be on the same time-table as others. My worth does not come from others though. At the end of this life, they aren't the ones I will give an account to. So for now, I continue to ask for the grace to make it through another day, to be a blessing to those around me, to offer hope to those who need it, to remind them of His grace and redemption, and to be an agent of change somehow in their lives. Even if it's 'just coffee'. Turns out it can be so much more, and I'm thankful for those days like today to remind me that I am blessed, even right now. A to the men.
Love, Amy Christine
So today at Starbucks two amazing events happened. For someone without memory problems or a TBI, this may not be a big deal, but I'm still BEAMING from what happened! First scenario, a customer walked in that I had been introduced to several days ago, and I still remembered his name and what drink we had been trying to get him to try, and those were my FIRST words out to him. Even as the words left my mouth I simply smiled at God with a smirk and said [in my mind] THANK YOU FOR THAT JESUS!? Second: About an hour later, a regular customer at my old store walked in to my new store, and even without having seen him IN MONTHS, I remembered his name! 2 years ago I could remember my breakfast. Today I could remember a man from months ago. That customer couldn't remember my name, and then said "Wow, I'm really impressed that you remembered me! You must be good with remembering people" ...If YOU ONLY KNEW DUDE. Funny thing about that... but I kept my mouth shut for today, and maybe someday I'll say something if the time is right.
However, today it was just a smile between God and I. About where I've come and what HE has now allowed me to do. I WOULD NOT HAVE CHOSEN ANY OF THESE OBSTACLES THAT I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS! You have to be kidding me. My life is better than a soap opera. So, I may not be curing cancer with my work. I make coffee and I babysit kids. I certainly didn't think that 8 months later, I would still be at Starbucks. However, it's a good job for now. And it allows me to connect with people that I may not be able to if I was working someplace else (where I might actually have to utilize my degree and education for my work with my clients). And that's ok. For now, God is providing, and little glimmers like today remind me again that He is GOOD. He has the best plan laid out for me. For months now, I've been kicking and screaming about where I am. ("But why haven't you answered my prayers for______" like a whiny 3 year old) Recently, I've calmed down and accepted it. He hasn't provided a way out of this. So apparently HERE is right where He wants me. A temper-tantrum only tires me out when I don't really have extra energy and/or resources to spare. So I've accepted it and asked for things to remind me that He is still here with me. Not in a 'giving up' manner, but rather in an acceptance of what I DO have. And it may not be what people around me have- of monetary wealth or families of their own, but I am blessed. It just may not be on the same time-table as others. My worth does not come from others though. At the end of this life, they aren't the ones I will give an account to. So for now, I continue to ask for the grace to make it through another day, to be a blessing to those around me, to offer hope to those who need it, to remind them of His grace and redemption, and to be an agent of change somehow in their lives. Even if it's 'just coffee'. Turns out it can be so much more, and I'm thankful for those days like today to remind me that I am blessed, even right now. A to the men.
Love, Amy Christine
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