Grateful

4 years ago my brain exploded. That word is so graphic, and I would cringe when my Dean of students would use it when referring to how my brain was now different after my stroke on 2/25/2009. I didn't like it because it was so graphic, but when you look at the situation, that is what happened. My brain exploded. There were probably many reasons leading up to my stroke (my obscene caffeine intake working at Starbucks, my perfectionist tendencies and the stress around me being in graduate school with constant headaches were only 3 that I can think of 'non-medically'). I'm not to the point where I can say 'Happy Anniversary', because although I am grateful for God intervening that fateful day and using it to make me into the person before you today, I'm not necessarily happy for it. Grateful, yes. Happy, no. Thankful to not be the person that I was before the stroke- so naive and having God in a box, trying to go overseas to do something with Sex-Trafficking... Not that those things aren't still important to me, but I feel a new burden State-side to work with people with a disability. This population is hard to reach because they are so defensive and many can approach life from a victim mentality. I know, because I have been there myself. Discounted and told all of the things you CANNOT do. And you believe the lies because they are coming from 'professionals'... after all, they went to school for this.

I am grateful that God saw a plan much bigger than myself or my desires, my needs, and cared more about reaching this population and wanted to use me first hand in telling them about the Hope and Redemption that only He can offer. He wanted me to have the knowledge of living out those trials myself first hand, AND getting a degree to help me on the more professional side of things. I have both. This is not how I would have done things... but there's a lot of responsibility that also comes with being God, so I'm just accepting that which is now. Yet, I'm also trying in many avenues to make the current me and future me better- in my health, spiritually, medically, physically, educationally, relationally, emotionally- in all of those areas I am pushing myself to grow and trying to surround myself with people that will help me to grow, even if it isn't "comfortable" (I mean, really- who likes to work out and train for a 5k?)

I very much am in this "not yet" season of life... I don't have yet the things that I thought I should have, but I'm not whining because I still believe they are coming. There are lessons I have to learn about myself and life before God can trust me with them. And I'm getting to a place when I can say that it's ok. You may have noticed a different 'Tone' in my blog lately. It's not a 'giving up' tone, but a grateful tone of becoming more thankful, even for small silly things. I am thankful that God is teaching me more about life and how to be thankful for the smaller things that turns out, aren't so insignificant after all. I'm doing the "Joy-Dare" (http://onethousandgifts.com/) by Ann Voskamp, and she challenges you to look at the life around you and each day, be thankful for 3 things, which usually seem insignificant at the time. 3 things that are white; 3 things- from your pantry, your kitchen, your bathroom; 3 things that are tin, wood, and glass- and I am finding that giving thanks for these smaller things is making me grateful for the things that are not yet. I'm needing to be in a place where I can actually receive the things that I have prayed for and to not see God as this omniscient vending machine- that if I just do these things a certain way, he'll reward me with what I have prayed for. Those things are blessings to help me on my journey, not destinations in and of themselves (as I could have been tempted to see them before if I'm being honest).

Thanks for continuing to follow my journey even 4 years later. It means a lot to know I still have people who love me and are reaching out, even in this 'Not Yet' space that I am in. I'm amazed at the person that stands before you today, and never would have thought this would be my journey. But I am thankful for where life has brought me and the lessons that I have learned along the way.
Love,
Amy Christine