She had me look only at the top left of the painting, which was blue, and try to tell her what it might all be of. Since it was sky, I said that, but it could have been sky for anything- a ball game, a house, a scene out of a book, and just the corner told me nothing. I admitted that only seeing the corner was not enough information for me to guess what the whole picture might be of. When I stood back and looked, the painting was of a seashore- some distant hills, the sandy beach, the sky with some clouds, two seaside white chairs to relax in, and rolling waves from the tide coming in. Although hotel art, the picture was beautiful. Having just that small segment of information, I would not have known all that the picture held. I only had a small glimpse. That woman was my counselor, and to be honest, Dawn has been used like a prophetess to speak into my life (and she probably has no idea. When we're honest, we have no idea what is used by God to tug at someone else's heart strings).
Right now, I see my life and what I have here in Indianapolis very much in part. I have NO IDEA why ANY of the things that have happened to me, or even what God is going to do with them. As Dawn pointed out yesterday, I've stopped asking WHY and turned it into a much healthier HOW focus, and begun to look for ways that I can grow from them. 4.5 years ago, my brain exploded, and I have cried buckets over how a stroke and someone with a traumatic brain injury could be used for God's glory now. I've viewed myself as very broken and bought into the lie that there is no possible way that someone "that" damaged could have a place in God's kingdom now, let alone a leader for others who are hurt to hear through them. 1.5 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my employer. The PTSD, shame and fear that have ensued and the cocoon inside myself that I have run to "in order to stay safe" have almost killed me. Living in Indianapolis, the incredible depths of seasonal depression, mental health issues, loneliness, two broken hearts, living with the roller coaster weather & humidity that plays havoc on my body, longing to be back in Colorado (which I know would be running, but I've associated it in my brain as a place without pain now somehow)... well, it all scales in the painting for me to only see a small segmented corner. I wonder what the heck God might be up to IN ME. I used to ask and question 'WHY WOULD HE ALLOW THIS?' when I've started to search for 'HOW are you going to use this in the lives of others?'
Chronic pain (headaches and joints), migraines, a stroke and a sexual assault are ALL issues that I KNOW God can use and WILL use. I WANT THEM TO BE USED. All of those "sub-communities" need HOPE that there will BE A DAY WITH NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE PAIN, AND NO MORE FEARS. They need to know that God will make GOOD of what has happened to them, and THAT HE DID NOT CAUSE IT, but His allowing it does not equate Him to be Bad. Part of it needs to be that I come to a place where I can talk about what has happened to me without breaking down and sobbing because they were all tragic honestly. Part needs to be that I become healthier in accepting these parts of my story now, regardless of what the world tells me or the lies that Satan throws my way to get me distracted from God's end goal in them. I have to be able to admit what has happened and be able to discern what God might want to do or speak into someone else's life through me. That's what I've always wanted, and honestly what's NEEDED for someone with those wounds- but using my deepest wounds... couldn't their be a different or easier way? You really want to use these things that have been so incredibly hard for me, and want to tell others of your goodness through my deepest wounds?
I've recently been reading 'Hinds Feet on High Places' and so very much relate with the main character, Much Afraid. She gets paralyzed by fear over very small things, and I can very much relate. The journey the great shepherd takes her on to High Places seems grueling, and at one point she must trust the Shepherd and go completely out of view from the Mountains and trust him to lead her through the desert with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. I have felt much of what Much Afraid has felt since living in Indianapolis. I thought my life in Indy was going to look a certain way. Instead, almost every dream I had about coming here has been shattered, and I've had a lot of heart to hearts with God about my coming here or why I thought I was called here over tears. Ultimately, I have decided that He is good and He knows best. This life in Indianapolis is not even close to what I would have chosen for myself. I didn't want easy, but I had no idea staying here would be so incredibly hard to manage. So, as Dawn had me realize with the painting yesterday, I want my life to be viewed as a painting, in full. Even if I'm currently still working things out over the shame in one area, and that's likely the area that will be used (because I've seen God intervene in powerful ways through it). I'm a work in process, and becoming ok with the Mastermind's strokes to eventually make up the entire piece, even if it's incredibly painful in the making. He never promised this life would be easy. Only that He would never leave me or lead me astray. So I'm clinging to that today.
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The dreaded "dating" topic
I'm 32, and this is a well-known topic for me these days (unfortunately). I get that "dating" is awkward when first asking a girl out and all, but SHEESH. A few things have come up recently that I'd like to point out to anyone who might be reading.
- It can't be called "catching up over drinks" IF YOU HAVE NO PREVIOUS FRIENDSHIP TO PULL FROM. "Catching up" implies we've already had a connection...
- Stalking me days later through facebook just feels creepy. Especially if we didn't really have a connection in person, I'm not going to "friend" you in the cyber-sphere world. No. I want to say be more creative but I'm afraid I'll get a real-life stalker if I do.
- If it's a date that you're intending, CALL IT THAT. That way WE KNOW GOING INTO IT WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE. I'm old enough to know better, be old enough to call it like it is please.
- If I'm out for a run, WITH MY HEADPHONES IN and dripping in sweat, I probably don't want to 1) talk to you 2) think that right now would be the prefect time to be asked out. Just no. Be more creative please. Find a different time, when I can actually TALK to you.
I'm not going to make this a lengthy post, but I don't get it. This realm still overwhelms me, and I'll admit that I've asked for blinders and that if God wants me to date, He's going to have to make it REALLY obvious. Until then, work on yourself, because I will be. Thanks ;)
Love,
Amy Christine
- It can't be called "catching up over drinks" IF YOU HAVE NO PREVIOUS FRIENDSHIP TO PULL FROM. "Catching up" implies we've already had a connection...
- Stalking me days later through facebook just feels creepy. Especially if we didn't really have a connection in person, I'm not going to "friend" you in the cyber-sphere world. No. I want to say be more creative but I'm afraid I'll get a real-life stalker if I do.
- If it's a date that you're intending, CALL IT THAT. That way WE KNOW GOING INTO IT WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE. I'm old enough to know better, be old enough to call it like it is please.
- If I'm out for a run, WITH MY HEADPHONES IN and dripping in sweat, I probably don't want to 1) talk to you 2) think that right now would be the prefect time to be asked out. Just no. Be more creative please. Find a different time, when I can actually TALK to you.
I'm not going to make this a lengthy post, but I don't get it. This realm still overwhelms me, and I'll admit that I've asked for blinders and that if God wants me to date, He's going to have to make it REALLY obvious. Until then, work on yourself, because I will be. Thanks ;)
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Even If...
Tears streamed down my face on my drive back to Indianapolis yesterday afternoon. One may think it was because I just left my family and beautiful little niece behind. Which was part of it. But this song (below) came on the radio. This song has played at many instrumental times in the last few years. As I was driving, this song echoed the cry of my heart. The lyrics are incredibly powerful. For someone who deals with multiple chronic pain(s) that have YET to find a resolution... this became my prayer & anthem as I drove back to Indianapolis. I could barely place my hands on the steering wheel because it literally felt like I had razor blades for bones covered by flesh. And I'm not being dramatic. And with our roller coaster weather, it also triggered amazing throbbing in my head. As it was down-pouring and I was *trying* to keep my car on the road with wipers that hardly work, I just let the tears come. I really AM usually a good driver- but this particular afternoon with all of these variables... I haven't had an episode that severe since I had a panic attack WHILE driving in college. Needless to say- I just thankful God was once again, watching over me.
Kutless- Even if
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come
That's SO HARD for me to swallow. THAT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T COME... He is still good. Somehow, He's more glorified IN MY PAIN than by somehow relieving it. If I'm being honest, that makes me angry and wonder an awful lot about God. Satan just needs me to doubt God's goodness even just a little. 12 years of migraines. 22+ years of chronic daily headaches. This horrific arthritis feeling since the fall, after I have had gluten or the barometric pressure drops. It makes me want to RIP my skin off, as though that might solve the aching. So instead I just pop more pills and feel more and more like a pharmacy. I lay in bed many days and just cry, because the tears are the only way I can find even a little release. It doesn't change the pain, but simply is the only way I've found to deal with it. The pills, the doctors visits, the question(s) that come with this... it feels like a broken record of whining. And I hate it. So I usually shut up because I hate hearing myself whine on about it, again. I "pretend" like all is fine. But it's not. And I hate talking about it because it makes me feel even more like a freak and anomaly. So I suffer in silence (except I can let it out on here because it doesn't feel as much like I'm complaining about it "since I'm not talking verbally about it all").
Even if. Regardless of how God CHOOSES to act in my life- healing or living with this all and then receiving my glorified Body someday (which I feel like I've earned it now!) does NOT change WHO GOD IS! Possibly this living in chronic pain has taught me to become more compassionate to those who live with chronic pain themselves, and to become more empathic to those suffering from "hidden illnesses". I can't say that I would have had this attitude years ago- even 4 years ago before my stroke, or before living in Indianapolis and becoming more mindful of the food I injest and it's affects upon me. We really are what we eat in so many ways. I'm thankful for the opportunity to start to realize how true that statement really can be. So for those of you who suffer with arthritis, migraines, or any other myriad of "hidden" ailments- I get an iota of what you may be experiencing daily. Maybe it takes getting something personally to experience the roller coaster of emotions that comes with having this to bear as well. So I'm stopping my pity party for myself in this and the maddening quest for answers, and realizing that what is currently is my reality. No offense, but I'll probably "brush you off" if you ask me to my face because that's become how I handle it all- pretend like it's not happening. If God chooses to super-naturally heal me, that would be awesome. However, it's been a maddening quest to try and find answers. So I'm dropping my quest and becoming ok with what is my current reality for now. That's not giving up, but rather peacefully accepting with the hand that I have at the moment to try and keep SOME sanity in my life currently. Just even having this outlet to write about some of my trials is a weight off of my shoulders to release it and start to process it. If you're still reading along after my processing of the not-so-pretty parts of my life, thank you. That means a whole lot!
Love,
Amy Christine
Kutless- Even if
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come
That's SO HARD for me to swallow. THAT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T COME... He is still good. Somehow, He's more glorified IN MY PAIN than by somehow relieving it. If I'm being honest, that makes me angry and wonder an awful lot about God. Satan just needs me to doubt God's goodness even just a little. 12 years of migraines. 22+ years of chronic daily headaches. This horrific arthritis feeling since the fall, after I have had gluten or the barometric pressure drops. It makes me want to RIP my skin off, as though that might solve the aching. So instead I just pop more pills and feel more and more like a pharmacy. I lay in bed many days and just cry, because the tears are the only way I can find even a little release. It doesn't change the pain, but simply is the only way I've found to deal with it. The pills, the doctors visits, the question(s) that come with this... it feels like a broken record of whining. And I hate it. So I usually shut up because I hate hearing myself whine on about it, again. I "pretend" like all is fine. But it's not. And I hate talking about it because it makes me feel even more like a freak and anomaly. So I suffer in silence (except I can let it out on here because it doesn't feel as much like I'm complaining about it "since I'm not talking verbally about it all").
Even if. Regardless of how God CHOOSES to act in my life- healing or living with this all and then receiving my glorified Body someday (which I feel like I've earned it now!) does NOT change WHO GOD IS! Possibly this living in chronic pain has taught me to become more compassionate to those who live with chronic pain themselves, and to become more empathic to those suffering from "hidden illnesses". I can't say that I would have had this attitude years ago- even 4 years ago before my stroke, or before living in Indianapolis and becoming more mindful of the food I injest and it's affects upon me. We really are what we eat in so many ways. I'm thankful for the opportunity to start to realize how true that statement really can be. So for those of you who suffer with arthritis, migraines, or any other myriad of "hidden" ailments- I get an iota of what you may be experiencing daily. Maybe it takes getting something personally to experience the roller coaster of emotions that comes with having this to bear as well. So I'm stopping my pity party for myself in this and the maddening quest for answers, and realizing that what is currently is my reality. No offense, but I'll probably "brush you off" if you ask me to my face because that's become how I handle it all- pretend like it's not happening. If God chooses to super-naturally heal me, that would be awesome. However, it's been a maddening quest to try and find answers. So I'm dropping my quest and becoming ok with what is my current reality for now. That's not giving up, but rather peacefully accepting with the hand that I have at the moment to try and keep SOME sanity in my life currently. Just even having this outlet to write about some of my trials is a weight off of my shoulders to release it and start to process it. If you're still reading along after my processing of the not-so-pretty parts of my life, thank you. That means a whole lot!
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
What's next?
So, some radical changes have come my way in the last week. I was terminated from my job last Monday. I'm scared of what is next, but I've also walked with God long enough to know He is always faithful. It just stinks when it was your dream job and something you had prayed from for so long to have it ripped away from you without warning. My physical health has been a nightmare again, and I've been in bed with pain in my muscles and joints to the point where even getting out of bed is a task, and the weather didn't help things last week either. I've gotten to reconnect with a few friends and a few to come yet that I'm really excited about because of what we shared, even 9 years ago- to watch that come back to life just over coffee again. Friendships that don't change are the stability that I need right now.
There's been something on my heart ever since I heard about it, and in talking things over with some of my pastors, think it could be a GREAT step in my faith. There is a 'Kingdom Living Training School' offered through our church, and it runs from August to May (9 months). It's part time, but it's all about learning to become intentional with a small group of people and learn to discern God's voice. There are about a half-dozen trips that are taken together as well.
I have "all the education"- I've been to a Christian university and Seminary- which I LOVED and grew so much in my faith because of. I've done a similar program before- Segue- aboard the Anastasias in West Africa with Mercy Ships (which was so challenging for me and helped me to pray more fervently for Missions efforts). However, I have not been stretched like this in several years. I had my stroke in 2009, and for a long time after, was trying to sort out what it meant to be a stroke victim. After some WISE people surrounded me, I substituted 'victim' for 'SURVIVOR' and began to shift how I viewed the event in my life. I was told that I should have died, but instead survived. That's sobering at 28. Then shortly after my move to Indiana, I was sexually assaulted. I carried all of those lies & shame around for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong or somehow to deserve it, very much a victim mentality. I've viewed myself as broken, wounded, in need of fixing... and while that is true to some extent, I've had to shift instead to a stance and belief in myself THAT I AM INSTEAD A SURVIVOR. That's not to say I wasn't victimized by what happened to me, and I frankly wish they had never been- I liked some of the road I thought I was headed on. However, it's a mind-shift of perspective to look at life and yourself differently, to be able to speak of what has happened to you with confidence, and not to think that you are somehow being singled out or forgotten. Somewhere, along the path of the last 4 years, I've lost 'who I really am' to hiding behind the labels and performance of pretending that life is OK.
I'm simply applying to this school, while also looking into other job leads and considering other options. I'm just being obedient in applying right now. However, so much needs to happen in order for me to do this. I'll need a flexible part-time job. A more dependable car (mine will not make it through another Midwest winter). A new place to live. And I'll need to raise $3,200 by August. If this actually happens, I'll continue to only make my monthly bills and such through God's sovereignty. Again, that's sobering when so much around us tells me that 'I should have something more stable by now' or 'if I appear this recovered, then surely I should be able to ____" I want a big girl job. I want to do what is in my heart to do for others. I know God has a purpose for sparing my life 4 years ago and will continue to use my story- all of it. However, I'm afraid to admit that I may have lost 'me' somewhere along the way. In many rational ways, going to this school may look like I'm taking a step backwards, after having my master's degree- getting a part-time job so that I can learn more about myself and God, and I would have to fund-raise again (which is nerve-racking for anyone living on support!) But I'm confident that God has put this on my heart for a reason, and maybe there are things that I need to learn about Him and myself before I can step more fully into what God might have for me here. There is so much about Indiana that I just want to run from and things that haven't worked out the way that I envisioned them, and retreating back to Colorado seem(ed) like my best option. However, running away from this would be continuing that victim mentality and continue to perpetuate it. I don't want that to be me and the life I live. If something opened up in Denver, I would totally pray about making the move, but I'm not actively looking for opportunities at this point anymore.
So that's my current update. I'm sorting and processing through a LOT, and trying to discern what might be next for me. Thankfully, I know Whose hands this all rests in. He will make it happen if I am supposed to be there come August of this year. Thanks for continuing to follow along and love me through the web friends :) You all are wonderful!
Love,
Amy Christine
There's been something on my heart ever since I heard about it, and in talking things over with some of my pastors, think it could be a GREAT step in my faith. There is a 'Kingdom Living Training School' offered through our church, and it runs from August to May (9 months). It's part time, but it's all about learning to become intentional with a small group of people and learn to discern God's voice. There are about a half-dozen trips that are taken together as well.
I have "all the education"- I've been to a Christian university and Seminary- which I LOVED and grew so much in my faith because of. I've done a similar program before- Segue- aboard the Anastasias in West Africa with Mercy Ships (which was so challenging for me and helped me to pray more fervently for Missions efforts). However, I have not been stretched like this in several years. I had my stroke in 2009, and for a long time after, was trying to sort out what it meant to be a stroke victim. After some WISE people surrounded me, I substituted 'victim' for 'SURVIVOR' and began to shift how I viewed the event in my life. I was told that I should have died, but instead survived. That's sobering at 28. Then shortly after my move to Indiana, I was sexually assaulted. I carried all of those lies & shame around for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong or somehow to deserve it, very much a victim mentality. I've viewed myself as broken, wounded, in need of fixing... and while that is true to some extent, I've had to shift instead to a stance and belief in myself THAT I AM INSTEAD A SURVIVOR. That's not to say I wasn't victimized by what happened to me, and I frankly wish they had never been- I liked some of the road I thought I was headed on. However, it's a mind-shift of perspective to look at life and yourself differently, to be able to speak of what has happened to you with confidence, and not to think that you are somehow being singled out or forgotten. Somewhere, along the path of the last 4 years, I've lost 'who I really am' to hiding behind the labels and performance of pretending that life is OK.
I'm simply applying to this school, while also looking into other job leads and considering other options. I'm just being obedient in applying right now. However, so much needs to happen in order for me to do this. I'll need a flexible part-time job. A more dependable car (mine will not make it through another Midwest winter). A new place to live. And I'll need to raise $3,200 by August. If this actually happens, I'll continue to only make my monthly bills and such through God's sovereignty. Again, that's sobering when so much around us tells me that 'I should have something more stable by now' or 'if I appear this recovered, then surely I should be able to ____" I want a big girl job. I want to do what is in my heart to do for others. I know God has a purpose for sparing my life 4 years ago and will continue to use my story- all of it. However, I'm afraid to admit that I may have lost 'me' somewhere along the way. In many rational ways, going to this school may look like I'm taking a step backwards, after having my master's degree- getting a part-time job so that I can learn more about myself and God, and I would have to fund-raise again (which is nerve-racking for anyone living on support!) But I'm confident that God has put this on my heart for a reason, and maybe there are things that I need to learn about Him and myself before I can step more fully into what God might have for me here. There is so much about Indiana that I just want to run from and things that haven't worked out the way that I envisioned them, and retreating back to Colorado seem(ed) like my best option. However, running away from this would be continuing that victim mentality and continue to perpetuate it. I don't want that to be me and the life I live. If something opened up in Denver, I would totally pray about making the move, but I'm not actively looking for opportunities at this point anymore.
So that's my current update. I'm sorting and processing through a LOT, and trying to discern what might be next for me. Thankfully, I know Whose hands this all rests in. He will make it happen if I am supposed to be there come August of this year. Thanks for continuing to follow along and love me through the web friends :) You all are wonderful!
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, April 8, 2013
Things I've learned from the elimination diet
So far, the lessons I've learned about myself on this elimination diet have not showed me much about my headaches, but A TON about other incredibly random things that are almost as debilitating. Here's just a few of my fun triggers:
Soy milk: large amounts makes me incredibly lethargic. Other soy products (like edamame) don't seem to have that affect on me.
Sweet Potato's, Banana's, and high fructose corn syrup: these spike my daily headache to become worse. In the first two, I think it's something to do with them being high in potassium. Already knew about the HFCS, so that's a fun* carry-over ;)
Gluten, in the form of bread: I become a 95 year old arthritic woman. No joke. Death becomes my joints, and I WHINE. It's not pretty.
Coffee: I had hints at this one before, but my entire body turns into this shriveled, aching mess with a headache. I don't like it.
Fake sugars: Not sure which one's really yet, and not sure I have the stamina to figure out which does what, but they make my muscles and joints just scream in pain. So I'm avoiding all of them.
Yogurt: Nausea like the day is long, and just wanting to snuggle in my bed. Started to feel a spike in my headaches as well? Even my co-worker (who sits like 15 feet away from my desk) said he could hear my tummy rumbling. Yeah, that's not embarrassing! So, letargy, gas & bloating, and trying to sort out what is what- if I'm just getting a headache because or if it was really something that I ate! Oh, the joys of being a human experiment and petri-dish!
So all these findings lead me to believe that I should have at least gone to medical school myself, since I have made my body my own experiment. If not medical school, at least I should have found employment as a detective. Advocate schmadvocate.
So, as I've flirted with adding things back into my diet again, after months of abstaining, I have been surprised at how my body has reacted, and how it has responded. It comes with an incredible amount of fear when you consume something you haven't in several months (Gluten free since October, All-out diet since Thanksgiving). I've learned that this diet is do-able, but incredibly expensive, restrictive, and takes tons of forethought and planning. I've become MUCH more mindful about what I consume. Processed foods that most American's consume (because it's cheap and easy) has it's toll long term. And I don't want that, for myself, my health, and who I'm becoming. I will not be mastered by food and what I consume. If I had infinite money, time, and energy to prepare things ahead of time... I could do it if I had to for longer. But no thanks.
I'm excited to experiment with adding other things back to my diet. It feels like forever since I've had "real" food, but I have had a good time with making up new recipes and trying new things. Turns out baking is still therapeutic, even if things don't turn out the way they are supposed to. And Gluten-Free baking is like 1000 times harder than normal backing, with the different flours and such. But I've found fun things like Teff- it's an Ethiopian grain, and it's yummy and full of protein. But before all this, I had never even heard of it! So now I can try new things and not be so afraid. Salads, stews, & stir-frys have been my go-to's of sanity for the last several months. And I'm also happy to report that GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL IN PROVIDING MY SUSTENANCE. Apparently I needed that reminder, even though I already knew that truth. When you have like 1,400 less options of what to eat and what you can cost's like 3times as much as what you used to pay... I've gotten worried- but God has showed up and taken care of all of it, and reminded me that HE IS IN CONTROL. And He knows what's best for me, and is with me as I learn more about what's keeping me trapped in pain. Great things to know first hand to be able to attest to. So with that, I can attest that He has been with me, He is good and my provider, and can go to bed and dream of a day with no more pain and no more tears. Until then, I will keep on praying for a earthly resolution to this pain, and trying to find ways to cope with it!
Love,
Amy Christine
Soy milk: large amounts makes me incredibly lethargic. Other soy products (like edamame) don't seem to have that affect on me.
Sweet Potato's, Banana's, and high fructose corn syrup: these spike my daily headache to become worse. In the first two, I think it's something to do with them being high in potassium. Already knew about the HFCS, so that's a fun* carry-over ;)
Gluten, in the form of bread: I become a 95 year old arthritic woman. No joke. Death becomes my joints, and I WHINE. It's not pretty.
Coffee: I had hints at this one before, but my entire body turns into this shriveled, aching mess with a headache. I don't like it.
Fake sugars: Not sure which one's really yet, and not sure I have the stamina to figure out which does what, but they make my muscles and joints just scream in pain. So I'm avoiding all of them.
Yogurt: Nausea like the day is long, and just wanting to snuggle in my bed. Started to feel a spike in my headaches as well? Even my co-worker (who sits like 15 feet away from my desk) said he could hear my tummy rumbling. Yeah, that's not embarrassing! So, letargy, gas & bloating, and trying to sort out what is what- if I'm just getting a headache because or if it was really something that I ate! Oh, the joys of being a human experiment and petri-dish!
So all these findings lead me to believe that I should have at least gone to medical school myself, since I have made my body my own experiment. If not medical school, at least I should have found employment as a detective. Advocate schmadvocate.
So, as I've flirted with adding things back into my diet again, after months of abstaining, I have been surprised at how my body has reacted, and how it has responded. It comes with an incredible amount of fear when you consume something you haven't in several months (Gluten free since October, All-out diet since Thanksgiving). I've learned that this diet is do-able, but incredibly expensive, restrictive, and takes tons of forethought and planning. I've become MUCH more mindful about what I consume. Processed foods that most American's consume (because it's cheap and easy) has it's toll long term. And I don't want that, for myself, my health, and who I'm becoming. I will not be mastered by food and what I consume. If I had infinite money, time, and energy to prepare things ahead of time... I could do it if I had to for longer. But no thanks.
I'm excited to experiment with adding other things back to my diet. It feels like forever since I've had "real" food, but I have had a good time with making up new recipes and trying new things. Turns out baking is still therapeutic, even if things don't turn out the way they are supposed to. And Gluten-Free baking is like 1000 times harder than normal backing, with the different flours and such. But I've found fun things like Teff- it's an Ethiopian grain, and it's yummy and full of protein. But before all this, I had never even heard of it! So now I can try new things and not be so afraid. Salads, stews, & stir-frys have been my go-to's of sanity for the last several months. And I'm also happy to report that GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL IN PROVIDING MY SUSTENANCE. Apparently I needed that reminder, even though I already knew that truth. When you have like 1,400 less options of what to eat and what you can cost's like 3times as much as what you used to pay... I've gotten worried- but God has showed up and taken care of all of it, and reminded me that HE IS IN CONTROL. And He knows what's best for me, and is with me as I learn more about what's keeping me trapped in pain. Great things to know first hand to be able to attest to. So with that, I can attest that He has been with me, He is good and my provider, and can go to bed and dream of a day with no more pain and no more tears. Until then, I will keep on praying for a earthly resolution to this pain, and trying to find ways to cope with it!
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Lessons learned from my facebook fast 2013
I had become all too dependent upon social media to both update me on the people I love lives, and to report my own happenings. However, for Lent, it became my discipline to just not turn to it- incoming or to go to it & post. At first, it was stupidly challenging. Thoughts came up like "But I wonder what _____ is doing today" or "Surely, I need to announce that I just ______". But like all things that you train yourself to do or not do, just like my taking on these silly diets for my health reasons or training for this 5k in a few weeks, you learn to live without and remind yourself that it's not an option.
I wasn't giving it up forever- it was 40 days (and just 5 years ago I didn't even have an account), but no one needs to know most of what I would have been posting anyway. There were certainly times that I just wanted to "cheat" and sign on to see what people were up to, post about a new fun gluten-free recipe that I perfected, my new and fabulous job (after praying and looking for 21 months!), starting to come out of this most recent ridiculous diet (hello fear- I'm now eating things and waiting to see if it gives me a headache... who does this voluntarily again?) or whatever I would post about before... I've learned that I can do without. Facebook is not my master. It serves its purpose and place in my life, but it's a place, not an idol, (which social media can EASILY slip into!) Just like any other fast, it was a choice and a discipline to not go to it, to abstain- and to do something more productive with my time. So I used that time to exercise and prepare myself for this 5k on April 13th (and my only goal is to not die. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the truth); to volunteer more (a therapeutic riding program for kids with disabilities, Riley Children's Hospital, and Common Ground Church with their children's ministry); to get to know the people in my house church better and more intentionally; to pray and learn to listen for God's voice; to become better at knitting (I finished a baby blanket for my niece in a month and it is so soft and cute!);
and to not WORRY and consume my thoughts with the stupid 'What If' lies that Satan SO EASILY creeps in and whispers to me. Don't incorrectly assume that this fast has made me so much more spiritual now and I totally have all of the answers and have become yoda or somehow enlightened... But I have seen some of the ways that I would unhealthily run and escape to facebook, in my fears as if facebook could do something about my insecurities, pains, fears, ponderings, or those times when you need just a good laugh or are missing my distant friends- not that any of those things are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but they had become an idol for me, where I would run to facebook before God if I'm getting really honest. I hate that- it's painful and ugly, and not what I want to be about or the life I want to lead. So I'm sticking with facebook even with all of it's flaws, but I no longer need it the way that I did before. I'll be on every couple days to update and such, but I wont let it consume me the way that it before. So continue to email, text and call me as those will still be primary. And as always, thanks for continuing to follow along with the roller coaster that is my life currently!
Love, Amy Christine
I wasn't giving it up forever- it was 40 days (and just 5 years ago I didn't even have an account), but no one needs to know most of what I would have been posting anyway. There were certainly times that I just wanted to "cheat" and sign on to see what people were up to, post about a new fun gluten-free recipe that I perfected, my new and fabulous job (after praying and looking for 21 months!), starting to come out of this most recent ridiculous diet (hello fear- I'm now eating things and waiting to see if it gives me a headache... who does this voluntarily again?) or whatever I would post about before... I've learned that I can do without. Facebook is not my master. It serves its purpose and place in my life, but it's a place, not an idol, (which social media can EASILY slip into!) Just like any other fast, it was a choice and a discipline to not go to it, to abstain- and to do something more productive with my time. So I used that time to exercise and prepare myself for this 5k on April 13th (and my only goal is to not die. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the truth); to volunteer more (a therapeutic riding program for kids with disabilities, Riley Children's Hospital, and Common Ground Church with their children's ministry); to get to know the people in my house church better and more intentionally; to pray and learn to listen for God's voice; to become better at knitting (I finished a baby blanket for my niece in a month and it is so soft and cute!);
and to not WORRY and consume my thoughts with the stupid 'What If' lies that Satan SO EASILY creeps in and whispers to me. Don't incorrectly assume that this fast has made me so much more spiritual now and I totally have all of the answers and have become yoda or somehow enlightened... But I have seen some of the ways that I would unhealthily run and escape to facebook, in my fears as if facebook could do something about my insecurities, pains, fears, ponderings, or those times when you need just a good laugh or are missing my distant friends- not that any of those things are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but they had become an idol for me, where I would run to facebook before God if I'm getting really honest. I hate that- it's painful and ugly, and not what I want to be about or the life I want to lead. So I'm sticking with facebook even with all of it's flaws, but I no longer need it the way that I did before. I'll be on every couple days to update and such, but I wont let it consume me the way that it before. So continue to email, text and call me as those will still be primary. And as always, thanks for continuing to follow along with the roller coaster that is my life currently!
Love, Amy Christine
Sunday, March 17, 2013
I love my job!
I just may be privileged enough to have one of the best jobs out there. Something I had KNOWN would be out there, and after what I would consider way too much time, pain, searching and waiting FOR OVER FOUR YEARS, I am now an Youth Advocate for youth with disabilities at a Non-Profit here in Indianapolis called accessABILITY. There are many days when I still have to make sure that this is actually reality and pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I get the opportunity to advocate and teach people under 25 life skills- anything from cooking to finding a job. This could be becoming more independent within their own home with their parents (most likely) or possibly assisting someone in college or just finishing high school find accessible housing, a job, etc.
I told my executive director this last week that I think that by learning to advocate for others... that I'm actually going to learn to be such a better advocate for myself. That excites me and terrifies me at the same time. My direct boss showed me the curriculum that we will be using with the high school youth, and this is an excerpt:
“I am a unique and special person. I
am doing the best I can. If others put
me down I need to remember that I’m
OK…no matter what anyone else
thinks. I do not have to prove myself to
anyone. If I make a mistake that
doesn’t make me a bad person; it only
proves that I am human. I can make
good decisions for myself and take
responsibility of the results. I am
great.” -Riley Hospital Self Esteem Pledge
Tears welled up in my eyes when I read that statement. I get to FIGHT for others who cannot speak up for themselves or may not know how. I get to teach them, and show them how. But most of it comes by embracing what makes them unique and no one else could do. That's thrilling and terrifying when you stand back and think about it really. I've lived for 30+ years not knowing how to make good boundaries for myself, and since receiving my masters in counseling but then having some terrible things happen to me personally, I've retreated into myself for fear of getting hurt further. But now, with making decisions to getting myself to a healthier place personally in most areas- spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, relationally... I'm trying to remain open to whatever may come. I've hid in fear and pain for far too long, locked behind a door of unknowns caging me in. I was talking at working to someone who even had made the comment "most people just don't get it. But I know that you do. You have really been to the depths and wrestled with some hard questions. You might not have all the answers yet, but you allow people to just sit where they are, while maybe challenging a thought or two, but simply listening to them and their struggles..." If anything, after the past 4 years, I have more questions. I don't have any conclusions- actually they usually detract, distract, and discount what's really going on actually. So my thoughts 4 years later... I'm wiser. I have perseverance. I wouldn't do anything of the last 4 years over per se... but I wouldn't take it away either now. I've become stronger. I couldn't say that about the Amy at 28. So now I get to do my dream job- combining my degree and my personal experience to somehow fight for the rights of others. And we'll see what that actually looks like once I'm out of training in a few weeks :) But I could be happier doing what I love and being on this journey right now!
Love,
Amy Christine
I told my executive director this last week that I think that by learning to advocate for others... that I'm actually going to learn to be such a better advocate for myself. That excites me and terrifies me at the same time. My direct boss showed me the curriculum that we will be using with the high school youth, and this is an excerpt:
“I am a unique and special person. I
am doing the best I can. If others put
me down I need to remember that I’m
OK…no matter what anyone else
thinks. I do not have to prove myself to
anyone. If I make a mistake that
doesn’t make me a bad person; it only
proves that I am human. I can make
good decisions for myself and take
responsibility of the results. I am
great.” -Riley Hospital Self Esteem Pledge
Tears welled up in my eyes when I read that statement. I get to FIGHT for others who cannot speak up for themselves or may not know how. I get to teach them, and show them how. But most of it comes by embracing what makes them unique and no one else could do. That's thrilling and terrifying when you stand back and think about it really. I've lived for 30+ years not knowing how to make good boundaries for myself, and since receiving my masters in counseling but then having some terrible things happen to me personally, I've retreated into myself for fear of getting hurt further. But now, with making decisions to getting myself to a healthier place personally in most areas- spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, relationally... I'm trying to remain open to whatever may come. I've hid in fear and pain for far too long, locked behind a door of unknowns caging me in. I was talking at working to someone who even had made the comment "most people just don't get it. But I know that you do. You have really been to the depths and wrestled with some hard questions. You might not have all the answers yet, but you allow people to just sit where they are, while maybe challenging a thought or two, but simply listening to them and their struggles..." If anything, after the past 4 years, I have more questions. I don't have any conclusions- actually they usually detract, distract, and discount what's really going on actually. So my thoughts 4 years later... I'm wiser. I have perseverance. I wouldn't do anything of the last 4 years over per se... but I wouldn't take it away either now. I've become stronger. I couldn't say that about the Amy at 28. So now I get to do my dream job- combining my degree and my personal experience to somehow fight for the rights of others. And we'll see what that actually looks like once I'm out of training in a few weeks :) But I could be happier doing what I love and being on this journey right now!
Love,
Amy Christine
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