Beautiful start to summer!

This is more like what I had pictured summer to be. Sunny. 80's. Beautiful outside. Sitting outside in my bathing suit as I write this, while eating a Mediterranean salad. For the last several weeks, this state known for it's sunshine (over 300 days!) has had cloudy skies and miserable temperatures, going from 80s to 40 or 50's in a matter a minutes, and making someone who's subject to weather migraines absolutely in agonizing pain. This spring has been the worst for my head probably ever. I've made a bucket list of places I want to go see and travel around in the state and people to go visit yet while I still live out this way. Between cleaning for people's homes, and learning new things at the country club every single day, volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House (which I'm loving), doing things for the community where I live at (which I'm still loving and continues to be perfect for me right now, and all the other things that seem to keep me busy daily... I keep myself busy since graduating just a few weeks ago. Sometimes I forget it's only been two weeks and a few days!

Last night I got called into work for the Memorial Day BBQ and they had some island music playing, and it got me so excited to go to see my family in 2 weeks in Michigan and then Jamacia together. I haven't really been able to relax here in Denver, so getting away to MI and Jamacia should force me to relax, or at least I'm hoping it will!

I've decided I won't start looking for jobs in Indianapolis until after I get back from Jamacia, since there is not really anything I can do about them until I get back anyway. The more I think about what life might look like a year from now, I am filled with apprehension, fear, unknowns, why's, but then I am reminded that the last few years have not been about me either. There is so much that I want to do or accomplish, but know that those things cannot happen without God leading the way first. I am terrified about what might be next when I get honest. I know it will be good, but I like structure, and am not good with change from the routine of things that I know or what I am comfortable with. Graduate school, even though it was incredibly challenging, was good for me, because it provided a structure to my days, of where I needed to be, what I needed to do, etc. I may just move to Indianapolis without an official job and look when I arrive, as it might be easier to search for jobs actually being in the state than trying to do that long distance anyway. I may just save up my money from working this summer to get me by for a month or two and get a hostess job when I first arrive too. It's all up in the air right now, but that's what I'm thinking right now, it would certainly take the pressure off moving and having to start in two weeks!

I think I would still like to write down my story in a book, but have no idea how to do go about doing that, but I would still like to do it somehow. Since having my stroke, I've learned of at least three other young women that are friends or acquaintances also having strokes, and that terrifies me. I did the video for my school, which is now partially done (the doctors and my portion), but still think the message of how much a stroke can change your your life and where you are headed needs to get out there somehow... I just had no idea at 28 that a) strokes could happen to young people b) you could actually live through a stroke c) how your life could be thrown upside down and what you would have to face because of a stroke. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... it's effected all of me, to the core. It shook me and where I was headed, why I was in school, what I want to do with my life, it's changed a lot about me, and I'll never be the same, never get that Amy back no matter how much I work at it or how hard I try. I like this Amy and what I have now better than where I was going, and the relationship I have with the Lord is more authentic. It has been incredibly hard, but it is real. My relationships with the people around me have weathered a lot, but are better for it as well. I wouldn't trade these lessons. I wouldn't have picked this road if I had the choice, but I am blessed and better because of it. This is all I know. It's taken much of my memory from me as well, changed how I even saw myself and interacted with the world around me, and I know God is going to use it in the lives of other people for His glory. I'm different now, and I'm becoming okay with that. Amen.
Love,
Amy Christine

Dr. Markey

I often feel guilty. That's been a theme of my walk as a Christian for the past 15 years, so it's not a new thing post-stoke, although it is one of Satan's favorite tactics of "How is God actually going to use you and your story?"... anywhoo. I went to see my old Neurosurgeon today to get the time-line of what happened with what surgery when 2 years and 3 months ago (today is my anniversary). Dr. Markey was a truck driver before he was a surgeon... he has a great story. I teared up as he was re-explaining things to me because every time I hear it, I hear God's faithfulness. Dr. Markey wasn't even supposed to be on my case that day. But God was there. I may not know why, and may never know this side of Heaven, But He was there. I may not like the effects that have come of it, and may have to deal with some crappy side effects forever because of it... but God was there. God has and is going to keep using it. I want to use my experience to work with other people who have been dealt a crappy hand too, a medical diagnosis they didn't ask for either. Whether that be cancer, diabetes, or something else... I want to walk with them and help them find healing and redemption IN THE SUFFERING of the day to day to do of what it is that they want to do. For me, it was finishing school, and now moving back closer to my family and getting a job. What that looks like, I don't know yet... I feel like I've said that like a dozen times on the blog now! ha! When I know, I'll tell you! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Graduation

After 3.5 years of hard work, sleepless nights, reading for classes and assignments, tests, exams, practicum, 2 internships, a stroke, a seizure, more migraines and chronic pain than I want to think about, 3 semesters of chapel attendance, 3 semesters of training and mentoring growth with two different groups, a doctor telling my family I would never go back to school and my going back 6 months later almost to spite him and not listen and show my stubborn German roots, having my driving license and then not and having to get rides, and then getting it back with restrictions and then getting it back finally to have it taken away again and then it back for a couple of months, 6 moves (and having to remember those addresses with my memory post-stroke!), 2 cars.... it's been a journey. No one could have mapped this out. Heck, even for me to remember all this sucks. My lapse in even blogging about this achievement shows that I have found things to keep myself occupied since graduating last weekend on the 14th. I'm now working as a part-time hostess at the Denver Country Club, and feel like the new kid because I'm the only one who doesn't seem to understand the culture of the place, the names of the members, or how things operate- a learning adjustment for sure! I'm volunteering with the Ronald McDonald House this summer here in Denver because I would really like to get a job in a hospital as a medical social work position of sorts.. still trying to trust that God knows what He's doing in using my degree and my experience and story for His glory to find a job in Indianapolis since that's where I'm feeling the most led right now. I was going to volunteer with Craig Hospital as well, but don't seem to have enough hours in the summer to do it all unfortunately to do it all, with the club, the Ronald House project, and putting in the hours I need at the place I'm living, the Downing House. How I wish there were more hours in the day and I could do it all!

The picture above that I added to this post was one that my little sister Kelli and I took when my family came out here for that weekend. It was great to have them here for the weekend, for them to get a snapshot of my life here and to see what I've been talking about when we are talking on the phone. It was great for them to see just how hard I've hard to work to get pieces of my independence back here... there's a lot that can't be communicated through the phone or emails, but it was great to have them here for the weekend, and I'm still trying to organize my summer life (thank you cards, cleaning my room, mending, making my bed, running errands that never seem to end... and the list continues). Soon to be added to that list after I get back from the trip in June with my family to Jamacia will be looking for jobs in Indianapolis... sigh. The life of responsibility. Not ready. I'm not sure I ever will be, but the alternatives (getting a doctorate or becoming a stay-at-home mother) aren't appealing either... so, I think option one is my best bet. So if you hear of anyone needing roommates in Indianapolis or medical social work positions in Indianapolis area, let me know! I can't do this alone, that is for sure! I'm not too proud to ask for help!
Love,
Amy Christine

Boulder, Intentionality & Purpose

I went up to Boulder this last weekend to celebrate my friend Brooke, both for her birthday and because she's getting married next month. I rode the bus up there (and who really would want to pay these gas prices right now!), and actually got time to look at the scenery (which is gorgeous!) instead of the bumper in front of me. Memories came flooding back to me... and I really only think I have been up to Boulder like a handful of times since my stroke (and with the way my memory works now I can't remember them anyways!) With the music I was listening to on my iPod, it just made for the perfect weekend, to celebrate with Brooke, to stay with Ashlyn, to revisit a place that had been home for so long and that I had weeped over in prayer, where I had hurt so bad for and had so much heartbreak take place in that town and times of really finding out who I was as a young 20 something... Gosh, I sound old and jaded as I write this! ha!

But seriously, this weekend was great, and I think I need to go up to Boulder to hang out for a couple of days to soak in the beauty that surrounds that place and just relish in it when I don't have the demands of a job or school dictating my where-abouts. I think more than anything, that is what I am craving right now in my life. Release from the responsibilities of life. I am 8 days away from my last final exam, and 11 from my commencement, and I'm terrified. I just need a break. I almost had an anxiety attack today about what might lay ahead, and that overwhelms me. I have no idea. The woman who always had a plan has vague inklings of what might be ahead through September, but beyond there, everything is very hazy. That is really scary. I am about to break free from the cocoon of graduate school, which should be the most freeing thing but instead, I am almost paralyzed with fear, and I hate that. I have the amazing opportunity to love on and pour into some amazing men and women in the community I live in, and am very excited to do that more intentionally this summer, and I am planning on volunteering at Craig Hospital and possibly the Ronald McDonald House, and working very part time at the Denver Country Club, so it's not like I am completely without a plan. My plans also include getting to experience hiking and camping in Colorado since I really haven't been able to do that for the last 3.5 years with graduate school. And I'm going to be intentional about spending some quality time with important people that I may not get to see very often when I move back to the Midwest. This summer is going to be all about intentionality and purpose. Hopefully, I can say that about my entire life from here forward.
Love,
Amy Christine

caffeine

No wonder I had a stroke. I hadn't had caffeine in almost 8 months, and yesterday after talking on the phone with my neurologist about why she had me give it up, we decided to "challenge" it by taking 2 Excedrin (they have caffeine in the tablets, in the two capsules it was 130mg), and I took it about 4:30 in the afternoon. My intake before the stroke was at least 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day, sometimes at most up to almost 1,500 mg of caffeine a day, I figured out once after the stroke. And I wonder now why I had the stroke... Looking back I just shake my head and realize that just because the coffee was "free" because I worked at Starbucks didn't mean I had to drink it all at one time! Oh, If only Post-Stroke Amy could have a talk with Pre-Stroke Amy (Jolene and I are calling her PSA, for pre-stroke). My resting heart-rate last night was 108 (yes, that's Tachycardia. Again, should have gone to Medical school). I couldn't fall asleep without the help of THREE sleeping pills, and am now DRAGGING today, wondering how I ever did this. Oh, I just would have another cup of coffee when this feeling came up, that's right... WHY!? Can you see me beating myself up over this? All that to say I am going to finish reading for my New Testament class tonight and watch some of the Office with Michael's last appearance and probably hit the hay because last night wasn't any fun!

Personal Life

Once again, had another awesome time with Jolene this week. That woman has been like the Lord's megaphone for me over the last year and a half. Love her. Yesterday, she said several profound things to me, but one of which I simply had to write down. One thing she is worried about after I graduate is my being a workaholic, which I could definitely see within myself to have the propensity for. I think somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that "shallow" friendships aren't worth having... and everything has to be "deep"... Not sure where that thinking has come from, but I think my drive to recover has come from it too, so it's not "all bad" necessarily. Jolene said something while we were talking about this that was very deep though, and it went like this "Its your personal life that is the core. Have One" I think that goes for a lot in life. If I don't take care of ME, actual self-care, after I graduate, I can work myself to death, easily. I know I have the drive to do that. When I do something, I do it 110%. So in 17 days when I graduate, I am going to play it up. Enjoy Colorado. I've been writing down places I want to go or see for weeks now, especially if I am going to be leaving to go back to the Midwest at the end of the summer. I'm going to take back my life since it's been taken over by books, exams, papers, and the like for 3.5 years. I deserve some fun now. So before I leave, I'm going to experience Colorado and it's beauty. Especially since gas prices have been so high, I'm going to hike a lot and bike ride to enjoy it too :) Anywhere special that I should go or see? Suggestions welcome!

Bruise

Yesterday I went into the emergency room for a migraine headache, and I think I've talked about them on here before-- how there are different levels of them, well, yesterday was at the worst. I couldn't get any relief whatsoever from my pills at home, and knew the only course of treatment when it gets that bad was to seek medical help, ie- the ER. Oh Joy. I had slowly diddled my way down all day of things I was not going to do, like going to class or reading, until I finally said that the pain was not going to leave unless I got IV drugs in me. So with tears in my eyes I admitted to one of my roommates that I needed one of them to take my up the street to the ER at the hospital. Yes, I could have walked there myself, but I knew that I should probably have someone with me or else I would get yelled at later for being too stubborn ;)

So I went up there with my friend Nathan from the community and they tried to insert an IV, but the tech who did it literally FISHED around in my arm for 15 minutes to find a good vein. Granted, I have excellent veins. I have phlebotomist friends (blood tech's) who have said they could draw my blood, blind, and in the dark-- that's how good my friends and my veins are. Not one to brag, but come on. So as the fisherman was there trying to stick me and find my vein and I'm squirming and trying not to 1) hurl because I'm nauseous from the migraine 2) scream because it hurts so bad in my left arm! 3) punch the fisherman because of reason 1 & 2!!

I now have the gnarliest bruise on my arm from yesterday, and feel like a 5yr old little boy showing off my bruise. I just want to show it off. It's kind-of a battle wound. Not cool to have to go into the ER for a migraine at all, but kind-of cool to get to have this to show for it! So I've sent pictures of it to a few people who aren't nearby to see it just because it's cool, you know :) That's how I roll! :)
Love, Amy Christine