Yes, I know that no one really likes the rain. And rarely do you feel productive when you just want to sit in front of a fire, drinking hot chocolate and reading a book. I get it. But I've noticed in the last few weeks since being back in Denver just what a DIFFERENCE it makes when it's nice out. Sun shining gives me hope and reminds of the great things around me. My perspective easily shifts. I'm hopeful about my future again. I can give voice to what God might be doing around me. I can recognize the many, many blessings that are around my life. I can speak of them with confidence. However, when the skies open and it will not stop raining, as it did for much of last week, I want to crawl and hide. My body physically takes so much effort to do the most basic of functions. I have no energy. I'm completely lethargic. My head and muscles aches and throb. I want to curl in a ball and hide, forever. My perspective is incredibly focused on self-preservation. I just want the pain inside to STOP.
On the outside, I "look" fine. I sometimes force myself to get dressed and participate in life, although that's rare. However, inside, I am hurting. And I get tired of talking about it. I've been asked "Well, why don't you just stay in bed then?" Deep breath. If I stayed in bed ALL THE TIME that I felt crappy, I would never leave. And after a few days of being bound to your bed, you go stir-crazy. So, I've mastered the art of continuing with much of life while in the midst of pain(s). Try going to graduate school with a constant headache that could just morph into a migraine whenever... I've learned some of my limits from my stroke, and will never again ignore all the signs leading up to that event. I'm now passionate about medical coverage, because I didn't think anything could happen to me either. Thank you Starbucks insurance. And now I can be thankful for the event for being more cogniszent to my own body and taking care of this temple that I dwell in on Earth for now.
All that to say, the Sun in shining again today, and my body is taking a deep breath of relief. Relaxing from the chaos that was last week, hiding in my bed, afraid to emerge. One of the things I am most excited about living in Denver again is that I get those days SO MUCH MORE OFTEN. I can be who I really was created to be. The person who emerges when it's rainy out is a shell of a person, drudging through life methodically, simply trying to survive until it's an acceptable time to return to Bed. I know that's not who God has created me to be. So I will stand tall and proud on these nice days out. And rejoice and sing of the New Creation that I am. I want to learn (with time) how to do that even when it's not so nice out, but that's a hurdle to get over next time it's rainy. For now, I will stand firm in the Sunshine, remembering all the good that He has done for me!
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, September 16, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Thankful & Content
I had a great day today. Things were relatively pain-free (at least not to the point of it distracting too much from what I was already doing) today, and that made me happy. I met with a woman I had met last weekend at church for coffee this morning, and then for lunch with a friend I haven't seen since high school. Both were fantastic, and felt so natural again. I'm just starting to come out of this victim mentality and constantly listening to lies- about who I am, what I'm capable of, what my future holds... I realize I went to a Seminary and have my master's degree in counseling, but after the crap I've been through in the last few years with my stroke, break-ups, constantly being a medical anomaly, and my assault- you start to believe the lies that are lobbed your direction. It hasn't been until recently that I've started to see them as false... but letting go of that baggage is a completely different story. Believing that you actually have something worth sharing with others... I haven't been able to see it because I've hidden in the dark, cowering, afraid. The musician(s) Jason Gray and Kari Jobe, along with a study I've recently done by Christina May Gibson on my Sufficiency in Christ have begun to shed light on some of the ways I've hidden in the lies and the fear. I know I have a powerful testimony, something I prayed for when I first became a Christian... I just didn't know I was going to have to endure things to GET THAT STORY. Somehow, I thought it would just be "handed" to me... oh no.
Today was beautiful. Meeting for coffee and then with my friend for lunch- I got glimpses of what life could be like with less pain and speaking with other women about Hope. Although we talked about what happened a few years ago in both conversations, it remained just a "yes, this happened to me. And..." I'm getting to the place where it's something God has brought me THROUGH and I can talk confidently about it. 4.5 years ago I never imagined this day would ever come- I just wanted to walk or swallow again. Being able to speak confidently of what GOD has done IN ME was NOT in the forefront of my mind then to be honest. I knew eventually He would, but I was preoccupied by daily life then to give it much attention. Now I'm beginning to see redemption. I'm tired of shrinking back into the shadows. I'm tired of listening to the lies, or believing that they have any truth. But if/when you have been victimized, you suddenly get it. You realize how much it's like a vortex that eventually you don't remember what the light looks like any longer. For months, that was this web of lies and shame that told me I had done something to deserve the pain(s) I was in, it was my own fault for the situations and consequences I was in, that there wouldn't be an end to them, that I was being punished for something... the lies got ugly and unfortunately I believed them. The silence of the one's around me (whom I often wouldn't let in anyway) reinforced these false belief's... that maybe I would have stopped believing sooner if I had. Thankfully, I have faith in the One who sees me differently than I have in the recent past. Thankfully, He has a purpose, yet TBD to my eyes. It's going to be awesome. He has restored my view of who He is and How He takes delight in me. That's pretty awesome.
I NEVER could have imagined that I would be used like this. By beginning to open up slightly. Helping to proclaim truth just by my miracle of a life. Remaining faithful during the not-knowing weeks to what I did know to be true. Choosing to leave all known comforts and stability behind on the Faith that life could be different from what I knew currently. Bypassing the details many fret over with my shoulders shrugged with a "I don't know. However, I trust" because I've learned not to squabble about the details. Not that they don't matter, but often we won't know with certainty until we get to Heaven anyway. So I'm relaxing my grip on what education or training I have had, and I'm getting back to what really matters- loving people well. Reclaiming myself in How God created me. Putting aside the polarizing politics and theologies. Stepping into the unknown(s) yet again. This is far from easy. But He is worth it. Abandoning myself to what may lay ahead is worth it. I don't know what lay ahead, but I'm trusting that He has a plan.
Love,
Amy Christine
Today was beautiful. Meeting for coffee and then with my friend for lunch- I got glimpses of what life could be like with less pain and speaking with other women about Hope. Although we talked about what happened a few years ago in both conversations, it remained just a "yes, this happened to me. And..." I'm getting to the place where it's something God has brought me THROUGH and I can talk confidently about it. 4.5 years ago I never imagined this day would ever come- I just wanted to walk or swallow again. Being able to speak confidently of what GOD has done IN ME was NOT in the forefront of my mind then to be honest. I knew eventually He would, but I was preoccupied by daily life then to give it much attention. Now I'm beginning to see redemption. I'm tired of shrinking back into the shadows. I'm tired of listening to the lies, or believing that they have any truth. But if/when you have been victimized, you suddenly get it. You realize how much it's like a vortex that eventually you don't remember what the light looks like any longer. For months, that was this web of lies and shame that told me I had done something to deserve the pain(s) I was in, it was my own fault for the situations and consequences I was in, that there wouldn't be an end to them, that I was being punished for something... the lies got ugly and unfortunately I believed them. The silence of the one's around me (whom I often wouldn't let in anyway) reinforced these false belief's... that maybe I would have stopped believing sooner if I had. Thankfully, I have faith in the One who sees me differently than I have in the recent past. Thankfully, He has a purpose, yet TBD to my eyes. It's going to be awesome. He has restored my view of who He is and How He takes delight in me. That's pretty awesome.
I NEVER could have imagined that I would be used like this. By beginning to open up slightly. Helping to proclaim truth just by my miracle of a life. Remaining faithful during the not-knowing weeks to what I did know to be true. Choosing to leave all known comforts and stability behind on the Faith that life could be different from what I knew currently. Bypassing the details many fret over with my shoulders shrugged with a "I don't know. However, I trust" because I've learned not to squabble about the details. Not that they don't matter, but often we won't know with certainty until we get to Heaven anyway. So I'm relaxing my grip on what education or training I have had, and I'm getting back to what really matters- loving people well. Reclaiming myself in How God created me. Putting aside the polarizing politics and theologies. Stepping into the unknown(s) yet again. This is far from easy. But He is worth it. Abandoning myself to what may lay ahead is worth it. I don't know what lay ahead, but I'm trusting that He has a plan.
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, August 26, 2013
What COULD have been
I've been reflecting as of late on how my life could have gone if just a detail or two were changed. It's scary, sobering, and awe-striking how many things could have changed, but I can honestly say now, that I'm thankful for the things that never materialized or came to be.
I realize that after several of my own circumstances, things could have played out VERY differently. I smile THANKFUL that none of my past relationships worked out actually now... because many of them we would probably now be divorced, with a few children and my ex-husband in jail. I'm still thankful to be MISS NIXON and not Mrs. _____. Most days at least. If I hadn't met the Lord in High School... well, a Christian undergrad to study YOUTH MINISTRY and a Master's degree from A SEMINARY wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I would have laughed at you for even mentioning such a thing. I would instead be a teacher or a nurse. If I hadn't crossed the ocean to go with Mercy Ships to West Africa (without knowing anyone before I went), I wouldn't have met some of my dearest friends that I still love to pray with and catch up today. Seeing some of the world's deepest povertys' and injustices would have not alarmed me as much to come back to the stark contrast we live with daily in America.
If my brain hadn't exploded (That's one of the times that I feel free to be graphic. Because it did.) then I wouldn't have SO MANY resources after at my disposal to help me try and navigate life now. Because, turns out, America isn't very friendly to someone with a traumatic-brain injury. Especially mine but then also achieving my master's degree in counseling, a profession based upon insight, discernment, and memory. If things had turned out differently, I wouldn't be here today, and would have died in my sleep. Try that line at a cocktail party :) If I hadn't moved back to the Midwest, I would have clung to the idea returning later to be closer to family once I had a family of my own. Trying handfuls of medication(s) to control my seasonal depression helped to show me that there isn't a quick fix for how depression presents in my body. Being sexually assaulted is a WHOLE mixed bag, and has been only slightly processed thus far still. His choice(s) resulted in his divorce and a criminal record, but those children will not daily live with thinking that it's OK to treat a woman the way that he did to me or his wife at the time. There was so much survivor guilt and shame (it's typical with assaults) but was compounded all the more so after my stroke, and recent relocation and grief of a break up. My chronic pain(s) have allowed me to have compassion on others who also have some sort of medical ailment, that the medical community has no idea what to do with. (Side note- it's incredibly frustrating to sit across from a doctor and have them tell you "We don't know why". My response is almost always internal of "then I shouldn't have to pay for today's visit, since you went to school for a dozen years and I still get to be a mystery" Ok, rant done.)
I know of a few people who have had a few similar circumstances in our lives, but we have reacted very differently to them. Usually, with most anything that I go through, I often meet someone with something similar around the same time. God often gives me the insight in interacting with them of "You know, it could have gone this way instead". This is not a "My way is right" post, but it is interesting to be able to see if I had made other choices- even in responding- to what has happened to me that has been out of my control, how things could be different. Both of the communities that I have gotten acquainted with from these two specific events- survivors of domestic abuse and strokes/neurological issues- I've had amazing insights since. Generally, those people are often still incredibly defensive, scared, wounded, shamed, and honestly- I think there may be a spiritual piece of control to the messages that keeps someone bound afterward. I'm grateful for God bringing along people that have patiently walked with me for the past 4.5 years and spoken TRUTH into my life instead and helped to correct the wrong beliefs I have held onto. Still, I realize that it's a spectrum and there is much that I still need to admit to and own up to, and more freedom to be attained yet.
As time enters the picture, giving me space from my traumatic events, I'm becoming more thankful for them. I always wanted "to be normal" (whatever that might be). Thoughts randomly pop up in comparison with others- 'well, what if SHE was fired, broken up with, assaulted, got a traumatic brain injury, were a medical anomaly, etc' then... This course of thinking is NEVER fruitful and just how Satan likes to distract me from the point of what I should be learning or responding. I didn't want to be different- for any reason or anything, even if it was a positive thing. Because I was gifted and smart. Because my brain was now rewired. Because I was a survivor of sexual assault. I don't want to flinch anytime I am alone with a man again. I don't want to be haunted by my past, afraid of those things happening again. But I'm thankful for the ticket to be able to enter in with people in similar situations and be able to proclaim hope instead. That it does get easier. That the night-terrors are real, but will diminish with time. That even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be able to speak with power to proclaim freedom for others someday. That the fact that they have survived is a rarity in and of itself to be proud of. Many, if not most, sink, cower, and shrivel up. I'm not a victim. I am a survivor.
Both events took things from me that were out of my control. But I am still here. I'm still fighting. Temporarily knocked down, and forever changed, but I'm excited and energized to speak about some of those painful things now. Still in small groups or with individuals, because admitting what happened in any format that is larger still feels shameful. That's something I can dig at in a later time. This is a spectrum of acceptance, and I'll get there. But the freedom that I have begun to experience is amazing. Life changing. Invigorating. Not that I at all wanted these things to happen to me, but I'm becoming more thankful that I've been changed because of them. It's part of what makes me unique. An overcomer. Differences to take pride in now. I'm thankful to be able to see what has happened to me as opportunities for God to enter someone else's story that I get to interact with. To be that conduit of hope. I always said that I wanted a testimony I could be proud of and that would speak with power- I just didn't realize that I'd have to go THROUGH tough times to get THAT story. I still have healing to accept. To allow the change(s). I'm not anywhere where close to where I can speak confidently of the things that have happened to me with the power I know God will someday have in them. But that's OK. I'm beginning to embrace the journey to acceptance. And my story is not scripted as anyone else's either, so the comparison games are useless. And with that, I pack most of my things to move in to my new apartment in the morning. I know that this is going to be an exciting year with lot's to learn!
With love,
Amy Christine
I realize that after several of my own circumstances, things could have played out VERY differently. I smile THANKFUL that none of my past relationships worked out actually now... because many of them we would probably now be divorced, with a few children and my ex-husband in jail. I'm still thankful to be MISS NIXON and not Mrs. _____. Most days at least. If I hadn't met the Lord in High School... well, a Christian undergrad to study YOUTH MINISTRY and a Master's degree from A SEMINARY wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I would have laughed at you for even mentioning such a thing. I would instead be a teacher or a nurse. If I hadn't crossed the ocean to go with Mercy Ships to West Africa (without knowing anyone before I went), I wouldn't have met some of my dearest friends that I still love to pray with and catch up today. Seeing some of the world's deepest povertys' and injustices would have not alarmed me as much to come back to the stark contrast we live with daily in America.
If my brain hadn't exploded (That's one of the times that I feel free to be graphic. Because it did.) then I wouldn't have SO MANY resources after at my disposal to help me try and navigate life now. Because, turns out, America isn't very friendly to someone with a traumatic-brain injury. Especially mine but then also achieving my master's degree in counseling, a profession based upon insight, discernment, and memory. If things had turned out differently, I wouldn't be here today, and would have died in my sleep. Try that line at a cocktail party :) If I hadn't moved back to the Midwest, I would have clung to the idea returning later to be closer to family once I had a family of my own. Trying handfuls of medication(s) to control my seasonal depression helped to show me that there isn't a quick fix for how depression presents in my body. Being sexually assaulted is a WHOLE mixed bag, and has been only slightly processed thus far still. His choice(s) resulted in his divorce and a criminal record, but those children will not daily live with thinking that it's OK to treat a woman the way that he did to me or his wife at the time. There was so much survivor guilt and shame (it's typical with assaults) but was compounded all the more so after my stroke, and recent relocation and grief of a break up. My chronic pain(s) have allowed me to have compassion on others who also have some sort of medical ailment, that the medical community has no idea what to do with. (Side note- it's incredibly frustrating to sit across from a doctor and have them tell you "We don't know why". My response is almost always internal of "then I shouldn't have to pay for today's visit, since you went to school for a dozen years and I still get to be a mystery" Ok, rant done.)
I know of a few people who have had a few similar circumstances in our lives, but we have reacted very differently to them. Usually, with most anything that I go through, I often meet someone with something similar around the same time. God often gives me the insight in interacting with them of "You know, it could have gone this way instead". This is not a "My way is right" post, but it is interesting to be able to see if I had made other choices- even in responding- to what has happened to me that has been out of my control, how things could be different. Both of the communities that I have gotten acquainted with from these two specific events- survivors of domestic abuse and strokes/neurological issues- I've had amazing insights since. Generally, those people are often still incredibly defensive, scared, wounded, shamed, and honestly- I think there may be a spiritual piece of control to the messages that keeps someone bound afterward. I'm grateful for God bringing along people that have patiently walked with me for the past 4.5 years and spoken TRUTH into my life instead and helped to correct the wrong beliefs I have held onto. Still, I realize that it's a spectrum and there is much that I still need to admit to and own up to, and more freedom to be attained yet.
As time enters the picture, giving me space from my traumatic events, I'm becoming more thankful for them. I always wanted "to be normal" (whatever that might be). Thoughts randomly pop up in comparison with others- 'well, what if SHE was fired, broken up with, assaulted, got a traumatic brain injury, were a medical anomaly, etc' then... This course of thinking is NEVER fruitful and just how Satan likes to distract me from the point of what I should be learning or responding. I didn't want to be different- for any reason or anything, even if it was a positive thing. Because I was gifted and smart. Because my brain was now rewired. Because I was a survivor of sexual assault. I don't want to flinch anytime I am alone with a man again. I don't want to be haunted by my past, afraid of those things happening again. But I'm thankful for the ticket to be able to enter in with people in similar situations and be able to proclaim hope instead. That it does get easier. That the night-terrors are real, but will diminish with time. That even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be able to speak with power to proclaim freedom for others someday. That the fact that they have survived is a rarity in and of itself to be proud of. Many, if not most, sink, cower, and shrivel up. I'm not a victim. I am a survivor.
Both events took things from me that were out of my control. But I am still here. I'm still fighting. Temporarily knocked down, and forever changed, but I'm excited and energized to speak about some of those painful things now. Still in small groups or with individuals, because admitting what happened in any format that is larger still feels shameful. That's something I can dig at in a later time. This is a spectrum of acceptance, and I'll get there. But the freedom that I have begun to experience is amazing. Life changing. Invigorating. Not that I at all wanted these things to happen to me, but I'm becoming more thankful that I've been changed because of them. It's part of what makes me unique. An overcomer. Differences to take pride in now. I'm thankful to be able to see what has happened to me as opportunities for God to enter someone else's story that I get to interact with. To be that conduit of hope. I always said that I wanted a testimony I could be proud of and that would speak with power- I just didn't realize that I'd have to go THROUGH tough times to get THAT story. I still have healing to accept. To allow the change(s). I'm not anywhere where close to where I can speak confidently of the things that have happened to me with the power I know God will someday have in them. But that's OK. I'm beginning to embrace the journey to acceptance. And my story is not scripted as anyone else's either, so the comparison games are useless. And with that, I pack most of my things to move in to my new apartment in the morning. I know that this is going to be an exciting year with lot's to learn!
With love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Redemption :)
I’m tearful again as I write this, as I writing from the cafeteria of the hospital that has given so much back to me. I was at Craig Hospital after my stroke in 2009, and relearned how to walk, talk, swallow, and began to think critically again after my dissection. 3.5 months in the hospital, 5 weeks that I can’t recall any longer- just gone.
I had a meeting here earlier this morning, and I’m going to see one of my favorite OT’s this afternoon, so I’m sticking around. When I was a patient here, I couldn't remember my breakfast from that morning. That remained true for about another year or 1.5, even being in graduate school. Beyond humbling to have to re-learn how to learn and go back to school (which used to come easy) and have it take everything to remain alert enough to concentrate on school. Anywhoo… I’m sitting at a table in the cafeteria today and people are walking by AND I REMEMBER THEM. THEIR NAMES. WHAT WE DID 4 YEARS AGO TOGETHER. They may have just drawn my blood or been a receptionist that I would walk past as I was relearning stamina with my stride again, BUT I REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE. That’s a big deal. I’m going to celebrate it.
There is a verse in Genesis 50 that has come to mind so many times in the last 4.5 years. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…” (Genesis 50:20a) It’s been humbling to talk with doctors that worked on me after my stroke or performed my surgeries and have them tell you “You should have died” or "If the stroke had happened even a fraction of a centimeter over here, you wouldn't be able to ____" That’s sobering. It has taken hearing it a few times of it for me to not sob when some medical professional says it to me again, usually while hold my scans of my brain. The scans that I have are truly a miracle. There are no other words. Even doctors who don't profess Christ tell me that. What Satan intended to harm me, has actually been utilized by God to turn around and let others see Him through my broken body. Again, humbling. Not how I would have done things. Not how I would have written the story. He’s using the broken and deep hurts within me to let others see Him at work.
Although there are bright spots of accomplishment over the last 4.5 years, it hasn’t been easy. At all. It’s been incredibly refining, humbling, and beyond hard. I've continued to push through- I'm not giving up since I've been given another chance at life itself. But little moments like being able to remember people at Craig today- that is totally needed as I’ve become weary with the chronic pains and my moves. I’m grasping for some stability in a land that often misunderstands what it is to live with a traumatic brain injury. I get the opportunity to live and prove their conceptions wrong. That's a big deal too. I don't take it lightly, but there are days when giving up seems like a much more viable option. But instead, I continue to ask God what else He would have me do. To let go of others' opinions and work for His approval instead. Just thought I would share the awesomeness of today's events with all of you! Much love from Denver :)
Love,
Amy Christine
I had a meeting here earlier this morning, and I’m going to see one of my favorite OT’s this afternoon, so I’m sticking around. When I was a patient here, I couldn't remember my breakfast from that morning. That remained true for about another year or 1.5, even being in graduate school. Beyond humbling to have to re-learn how to learn and go back to school (which used to come easy) and have it take everything to remain alert enough to concentrate on school. Anywhoo… I’m sitting at a table in the cafeteria today and people are walking by AND I REMEMBER THEM. THEIR NAMES. WHAT WE DID 4 YEARS AGO TOGETHER. They may have just drawn my blood or been a receptionist that I would walk past as I was relearning stamina with my stride again, BUT I REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE. That’s a big deal. I’m going to celebrate it.
There is a verse in Genesis 50 that has come to mind so many times in the last 4.5 years. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…” (Genesis 50:20a) It’s been humbling to talk with doctors that worked on me after my stroke or performed my surgeries and have them tell you “You should have died” or "If the stroke had happened even a fraction of a centimeter over here, you wouldn't be able to ____" That’s sobering. It has taken hearing it a few times of it for me to not sob when some medical professional says it to me again, usually while hold my scans of my brain. The scans that I have are truly a miracle. There are no other words. Even doctors who don't profess Christ tell me that. What Satan intended to harm me, has actually been utilized by God to turn around and let others see Him through my broken body. Again, humbling. Not how I would have done things. Not how I would have written the story. He’s using the broken and deep hurts within me to let others see Him at work.
Although there are bright spots of accomplishment over the last 4.5 years, it hasn’t been easy. At all. It’s been incredibly refining, humbling, and beyond hard. I've continued to push through- I'm not giving up since I've been given another chance at life itself. But little moments like being able to remember people at Craig today- that is totally needed as I’ve become weary with the chronic pains and my moves. I’m grasping for some stability in a land that often misunderstands what it is to live with a traumatic brain injury. I get the opportunity to live and prove their conceptions wrong. That's a big deal too. I don't take it lightly, but there are days when giving up seems like a much more viable option. But instead, I continue to ask God what else He would have me do. To let go of others' opinions and work for His approval instead. Just thought I would share the awesomeness of today's events with all of you! Much love from Denver :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Still needed...
So, this move to Denver has me un-nerved again. My very pragmatic friends are freaking out with my details still TBD (and honestly, it's hard to continue to resist going to those depths too). I've learned in the last 1.5 years of living in Indianapolis that GOD DOES PROVIDE. Even in the midst of "How is ____ going to come together?" Um, it has and it does, regardless of how it might feel. Or look. Or... doubts, worries, and my own weaknesses have lurked around every corner and every decision here. I know for many, they can't comprehend how or why I'm giving up trying... when my response is that I can't continue to live in this intense physical pain and depression that manifests itself physically and can't be treated with medication(s). I've tried. It didn't work. And going to a place where I don't feel some of the pains as intensely with many doors opening for me- I need to try it again. Most of my details still need to come together.
I have a roommate, but we're still looking for a place together (in the DU area of town likely).
I need transportation (I learned how to use the public transportation while I lived there before, and though it adds like an extra hour or two on to where you are going, it's probably the option I'm going with at first).
I need a job. I've applied and several places seem promising, but nothing has come together yet.
I'm not sure how I'm getting out there or even when. Most likely flying the middle of August and shipping my stuff separately.
I don't have a church yet that I'm going to go to. This is one of my biggest desires and I know God will provide a great family for me to plug into, but I just don't know where exactly yet.
So, the decision has been made- I'm moving. But living where, how I'm getting there, transportation around, where I'm working and worshiping... all of that still needs to come together. I still have plenty of social connections in the Denver area, and though they have changed with time, I'm excited to return and live life with them once again. I really wanted that here in Indy, but I could never get past the traumas that happened to me here to allow God to connect me with people to make this feel like home. That breaks my heart because I wanted it here.
So, if you have any connections for me- transportation, job(s), housing, churches... any of those details, could you pass them on please? Being on the edge of this cliff is un-nerving but I also know & trust that God will provide. And that's one thing I'm soliciting the help of my web friends to help me in this process of moving again. Love you all!! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
I have a roommate, but we're still looking for a place together (in the DU area of town likely).
I need transportation (I learned how to use the public transportation while I lived there before, and though it adds like an extra hour or two on to where you are going, it's probably the option I'm going with at first).
I need a job. I've applied and several places seem promising, but nothing has come together yet.
I'm not sure how I'm getting out there or even when. Most likely flying the middle of August and shipping my stuff separately.
I don't have a church yet that I'm going to go to. This is one of my biggest desires and I know God will provide a great family for me to plug into, but I just don't know where exactly yet.
So, the decision has been made- I'm moving. But living where, how I'm getting there, transportation around, where I'm working and worshiping... all of that still needs to come together. I still have plenty of social connections in the Denver area, and though they have changed with time, I'm excited to return and live life with them once again. I really wanted that here in Indy, but I could never get past the traumas that happened to me here to allow God to connect me with people to make this feel like home. That breaks my heart because I wanted it here.
So, if you have any connections for me- transportation, job(s), housing, churches... any of those details, could you pass them on please? Being on the edge of this cliff is un-nerving but I also know & trust that God will provide. And that's one thing I'm soliciting the help of my web friends to help me in this process of moving again. Love you all!! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Moving to Denver
I'm under no delusions with this move back to Colorado. I KNOW things will be different with my friends- they & I have had almost two years apart and things have changed, Babies were had, marriages strengthened, school finished, jobs started and ended. I'm not going back into the Grad School bubble I had before or my Downing House community, which were both instant families. All I know is- my pain was less while I was there and with increasing doors closing in Indianapolis, I have to try someplace new... where I may not be in horrid pain all the time. I have accepted that I may always have SOME sort of pain (head, myalgia, food, allergies, whatever) and for many of them- I'm thankful. It's made me a much more compassionate and emphatic person to be able to enter in to prayer for my friends who are also plagued by mysterious ailments. (No, you don't have to have them to pray, but you do just understand a LOT more when you also have something that can't be figured out by modern medicine).
There are SO MANY mixed emotions going into this move. Feelings of failing- I tried moving here because I thought I was being called to Indy... But then I got here, went through a wretched heartbreak & shattered dreams and broken promises, then was assaulted, and got to try to pick up the pieces of my shattered self while managing PTSD & Seasonal depression while trying to navigate a new place and form new friendships. All of this while seeing myself as broken, a victim, completely abandoned, and the image I saw staring in the mirror when I would look at myself in the mirror was a shell of who I knew I was. I didn't realize the humidity would hate my body so much. I developed myalgia while here- where my joints would become arthritic and stiff, and found I had complicated food allergies (in a place where it's not hip yet to have them). There have been so many nights in tears wondering if I heard God wrong, why He would lead me into this dessert and valley, how He's going to redeem this time here. The last 4.5 years have been riddled with unfortune and loss. I most often feel as though my circumstances are a script to a daytime drama yet to be made. I'm tired of having to live out the DSM (after getting my degree in it, and being tempted often to self-diagnose). Although there have been some really sweet spots and friends and glimmers of hope throughout my time here (and it's NOT like I have tried and tried) I'm tired of striving. Of trying to make it myself here. The things that I thought would be here when I moved have disappeared, and left me disillusioned. So since it appears that my doors are closing in this city and opening in a place where my heart may have never left, I'm returning back to Denver. It's less running away from this place and more of a running TO a place that my heart still is. I'm going back with no car, no job yet, no church home, no doctors again, a roommate but no place just yet, and just the dreams of my pains being less intense and friends that have loved me even through my worst. This time I have a realistic view of what starting over may look like. The details are up to God to arrange for me. It's a scary transition but I have FAITH that God is opening all the doors I need to make this a reality! Lots of love and hope for a new start in a familiar city!
Love,
Amy Christine
There are SO MANY mixed emotions going into this move. Feelings of failing- I tried moving here because I thought I was being called to Indy... But then I got here, went through a wretched heartbreak & shattered dreams and broken promises, then was assaulted, and got to try to pick up the pieces of my shattered self while managing PTSD & Seasonal depression while trying to navigate a new place and form new friendships. All of this while seeing myself as broken, a victim, completely abandoned, and the image I saw staring in the mirror when I would look at myself in the mirror was a shell of who I knew I was. I didn't realize the humidity would hate my body so much. I developed myalgia while here- where my joints would become arthritic and stiff, and found I had complicated food allergies (in a place where it's not hip yet to have them). There have been so many nights in tears wondering if I heard God wrong, why He would lead me into this dessert and valley, how He's going to redeem this time here. The last 4.5 years have been riddled with unfortune and loss. I most often feel as though my circumstances are a script to a daytime drama yet to be made. I'm tired of having to live out the DSM (after getting my degree in it, and being tempted often to self-diagnose). Although there have been some really sweet spots and friends and glimmers of hope throughout my time here (and it's NOT like I have tried and tried) I'm tired of striving. Of trying to make it myself here. The things that I thought would be here when I moved have disappeared, and left me disillusioned. So since it appears that my doors are closing in this city and opening in a place where my heart may have never left, I'm returning back to Denver. It's less running away from this place and more of a running TO a place that my heart still is. I'm going back with no car, no job yet, no church home, no doctors again, a roommate but no place just yet, and just the dreams of my pains being less intense and friends that have loved me even through my worst. This time I have a realistic view of what starting over may look like. The details are up to God to arrange for me. It's a scary transition but I have FAITH that God is opening all the doors I need to make this a reality! Lots of love and hope for a new start in a familiar city!
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Masterpiece strokes
She had me look only at the top left of the painting, which was blue, and try to tell her what it might all be of. Since it was sky, I said that, but it could have been sky for anything- a ball game, a house, a scene out of a book, and just the corner told me nothing. I admitted that only seeing the corner was not enough information for me to guess what the whole picture might be of. When I stood back and looked, the painting was of a seashore- some distant hills, the sandy beach, the sky with some clouds, two seaside white chairs to relax in, and rolling waves from the tide coming in. Although hotel art, the picture was beautiful. Having just that small segment of information, I would not have known all that the picture held. I only had a small glimpse. That woman was my counselor, and to be honest, Dawn has been used like a prophetess to speak into my life (and she probably has no idea. When we're honest, we have no idea what is used by God to tug at someone else's heart strings).
Right now, I see my life and what I have here in Indianapolis very much in part. I have NO IDEA why ANY of the things that have happened to me, or even what God is going to do with them. As Dawn pointed out yesterday, I've stopped asking WHY and turned it into a much healthier HOW focus, and begun to look for ways that I can grow from them. 4.5 years ago, my brain exploded, and I have cried buckets over how a stroke and someone with a traumatic brain injury could be used for God's glory now. I've viewed myself as very broken and bought into the lie that there is no possible way that someone "that" damaged could have a place in God's kingdom now, let alone a leader for others who are hurt to hear through them. 1.5 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my employer. The PTSD, shame and fear that have ensued and the cocoon inside myself that I have run to "in order to stay safe" have almost killed me. Living in Indianapolis, the incredible depths of seasonal depression, mental health issues, loneliness, two broken hearts, living with the roller coaster weather & humidity that plays havoc on my body, longing to be back in Colorado (which I know would be running, but I've associated it in my brain as a place without pain now somehow)... well, it all scales in the painting for me to only see a small segmented corner. I wonder what the heck God might be up to IN ME. I used to ask and question 'WHY WOULD HE ALLOW THIS?' when I've started to search for 'HOW are you going to use this in the lives of others?'
Chronic pain (headaches and joints), migraines, a stroke and a sexual assault are ALL issues that I KNOW God can use and WILL use. I WANT THEM TO BE USED. All of those "sub-communities" need HOPE that there will BE A DAY WITH NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE PAIN, AND NO MORE FEARS. They need to know that God will make GOOD of what has happened to them, and THAT HE DID NOT CAUSE IT, but His allowing it does not equate Him to be Bad. Part of it needs to be that I come to a place where I can talk about what has happened to me without breaking down and sobbing because they were all tragic honestly. Part needs to be that I become healthier in accepting these parts of my story now, regardless of what the world tells me or the lies that Satan throws my way to get me distracted from God's end goal in them. I have to be able to admit what has happened and be able to discern what God might want to do or speak into someone else's life through me. That's what I've always wanted, and honestly what's NEEDED for someone with those wounds- but using my deepest wounds... couldn't their be a different or easier way? You really want to use these things that have been so incredibly hard for me, and want to tell others of your goodness through my deepest wounds?
I've recently been reading 'Hinds Feet on High Places' and so very much relate with the main character, Much Afraid. She gets paralyzed by fear over very small things, and I can very much relate. The journey the great shepherd takes her on to High Places seems grueling, and at one point she must trust the Shepherd and go completely out of view from the Mountains and trust him to lead her through the desert with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. I have felt much of what Much Afraid has felt since living in Indianapolis. I thought my life in Indy was going to look a certain way. Instead, almost every dream I had about coming here has been shattered, and I've had a lot of heart to hearts with God about my coming here or why I thought I was called here over tears. Ultimately, I have decided that He is good and He knows best. This life in Indianapolis is not even close to what I would have chosen for myself. I didn't want easy, but I had no idea staying here would be so incredibly hard to manage. So, as Dawn had me realize with the painting yesterday, I want my life to be viewed as a painting, in full. Even if I'm currently still working things out over the shame in one area, and that's likely the area that will be used (because I've seen God intervene in powerful ways through it). I'm a work in process, and becoming ok with the Mastermind's strokes to eventually make up the entire piece, even if it's incredibly painful in the making. He never promised this life would be easy. Only that He would never leave me or lead me astray. So I'm clinging to that today.
Love,
Amy Christine
Right now, I see my life and what I have here in Indianapolis very much in part. I have NO IDEA why ANY of the things that have happened to me, or even what God is going to do with them. As Dawn pointed out yesterday, I've stopped asking WHY and turned it into a much healthier HOW focus, and begun to look for ways that I can grow from them. 4.5 years ago, my brain exploded, and I have cried buckets over how a stroke and someone with a traumatic brain injury could be used for God's glory now. I've viewed myself as very broken and bought into the lie that there is no possible way that someone "that" damaged could have a place in God's kingdom now, let alone a leader for others who are hurt to hear through them. 1.5 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my employer. The PTSD, shame and fear that have ensued and the cocoon inside myself that I have run to "in order to stay safe" have almost killed me. Living in Indianapolis, the incredible depths of seasonal depression, mental health issues, loneliness, two broken hearts, living with the roller coaster weather & humidity that plays havoc on my body, longing to be back in Colorado (which I know would be running, but I've associated it in my brain as a place without pain now somehow)... well, it all scales in the painting for me to only see a small segmented corner. I wonder what the heck God might be up to IN ME. I used to ask and question 'WHY WOULD HE ALLOW THIS?' when I've started to search for 'HOW are you going to use this in the lives of others?'
Chronic pain (headaches and joints), migraines, a stroke and a sexual assault are ALL issues that I KNOW God can use and WILL use. I WANT THEM TO BE USED. All of those "sub-communities" need HOPE that there will BE A DAY WITH NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE PAIN, AND NO MORE FEARS. They need to know that God will make GOOD of what has happened to them, and THAT HE DID NOT CAUSE IT, but His allowing it does not equate Him to be Bad. Part of it needs to be that I come to a place where I can talk about what has happened to me without breaking down and sobbing because they were all tragic honestly. Part needs to be that I become healthier in accepting these parts of my story now, regardless of what the world tells me or the lies that Satan throws my way to get me distracted from God's end goal in them. I have to be able to admit what has happened and be able to discern what God might want to do or speak into someone else's life through me. That's what I've always wanted, and honestly what's NEEDED for someone with those wounds- but using my deepest wounds... couldn't their be a different or easier way? You really want to use these things that have been so incredibly hard for me, and want to tell others of your goodness through my deepest wounds?
I've recently been reading 'Hinds Feet on High Places' and so very much relate with the main character, Much Afraid. She gets paralyzed by fear over very small things, and I can very much relate. The journey the great shepherd takes her on to High Places seems grueling, and at one point she must trust the Shepherd and go completely out of view from the Mountains and trust him to lead her through the desert with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. I have felt much of what Much Afraid has felt since living in Indianapolis. I thought my life in Indy was going to look a certain way. Instead, almost every dream I had about coming here has been shattered, and I've had a lot of heart to hearts with God about my coming here or why I thought I was called here over tears. Ultimately, I have decided that He is good and He knows best. This life in Indianapolis is not even close to what I would have chosen for myself. I didn't want easy, but I had no idea staying here would be so incredibly hard to manage. So, as Dawn had me realize with the painting yesterday, I want my life to be viewed as a painting, in full. Even if I'm currently still working things out over the shame in one area, and that's likely the area that will be used (because I've seen God intervene in powerful ways through it). I'm a work in process, and becoming ok with the Mastermind's strokes to eventually make up the entire piece, even if it's incredibly painful in the making. He never promised this life would be easy. Only that He would never leave me or lead me astray. So I'm clinging to that today.
Love,
Amy Christine
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