Wrestling

I've been wrestling lately, with a lot of things. I know I picked the right degree to pursue, but I'm not sure that going overseas and working with children who have been trafficked is the best thing for me anymore. With my parents aging and (hopefully) I'll have a family someday, it is hard for me to envision living around the world and raising my family so far away from them. I'm thinking of being some sort of patient liason as they transition back into real life in the community since I've been through it myself. I still have a year of school left, but I'm thinking of moving closer to my family and trying to look in hospital as a rehabilitation counselor maybe. There's a lot that I don't know yet, but the first-hand experience is something you can't argue with.

I love the family I'm living with, but I've realized by living with them that they have A LOT on their plates. I've decided to move yet again. Yes, my 5th move in a year. All of my moves included wise counsel and seemed like the best decision at the time, but I saw a lot more of the negatives once I was there. I'll be moving back to the Downing House and have a single room to myself after I visit my family over Memorial Day in MI and MN, so I'm waiting until June to make the more as to not stress myself out during the school year.

Sheri (the mom of the family I'm staying with) and I have both joked about standing around with a blank look on our faces, thinking of what we were about to do or where to start on the 100 things we needed to accomplish. I wonder if we would have done that before our strokes. We've also had problems getting the internet to work on my computer here, so I'm having to use the family computer. It's forcing me to remember 'what was my username and password' for that account? I've closed a couple of credit cards recently, and it's made me go 'Where was I living when I used that last?'. Talk about rehab for my poor half-working brain?! I'd love to confirm my address for you sir, but I've moved A LOT in the last yesr, so I don't really know.

Something I've also realized lately is that living by a budget SUCKS. Especially when that includes trying to do special diets to see what the *$&# is wrong with your head. I have been at the grocery store or something and went "well, it would be nice to get that, but I can't eat it, or afford it, or___". I made a wish-list if a wealthy man comes my way someday or I end up winning the lottery. One can dream, right? This is the end of week two, and I think I might have to cut out corn syrup this next week because I'm still getting them on this restricted diet. After all the doctor's appointments and tests, I just want some ANSWERS already- this is just plain ridiculous. As much as I don't want to do the corn syrup thing, I just want to eliminate something that has an effect. I know there are a lot of things I can't control like the barometric pressure or my stress, but if it's something I can like tomatoes or something, then I'll eliminate it. Sheri and I just go "OH LIFE". One thing I have definetely realized is that things get more and more complicated as you get older. As much as I wish that wasn't the case, I'm learning the hard way that I can wish and hope, but it won't change reality. So if anyone knows of a man who's single with lot's of money that he wants to give to a poor grad student, let me know! ;) HA!
Love,
Amy Christine

I'm getting my independence back!

I had one of the most exhilarating thoughts as I was driving today- it hit me as I was driving with the windows down (man, I love Spring!) that I've got a lot of my independence back. It's been over a year since I could drive around on MY time schedule, not ask OTHER people for rides places, not plan around when OTHER people are going places, or plan my routes around the irregular public transportation system, but I can just go to the store to pick something up now because I want to. Gosh, that feels good. It almost brings me to tears, because I've missed it sooo much. It's been great having other people be willing to take me places and such, but just to go run errands when I have time and on my schedule feels so liberating again.

I've been having random brain farts lately, and Sheri (the wife of the family I'm living with who also had a stoke back in 2004) and I have had to look at those instances and think to ourselves "would we have done this before the stroke or not?" On Friday, I thought it was Saturday all day, even on my way to work- which isn't even open on the weekend. I even sent a text to my classmates telling them that I was praying for them, thinking that they were taking this massive test- only to be corrected by one who told me that the test was actually the next day. These kind of moments happen EVERY day about everything, and several people have told me that it happens to them all of the time too, but I just have an excuse of the stroke. That being said, it's still frustrating. I just want my mind to work properly ALL THE TIME. I'm in graduate school- knowing what day it is shouldn't be this hard.

Sheri refers to the time before her stroke as 'the dark years', and in a lot of ways, my life pre-stroke was pretty dark, not that afterward has been all rosy either. It's just these migraines are so debilitating, and I went to a pain management clinic a few weeks ago, and cried when the doctor asked me about my pain. I don't even know what normal feels like anymore. My 'normal' is a daily headache- and I've just learned to do school or other things with it because there are things that I want to accomplish still. If I just laid down every time my head hurt, I'd probably never get up. I should start going to rehabilitation sessions at that clinic after I get back from visiting my family over Memorial day. A friend joked that God probably gave me the migraines, because without them, he knew that I would try and run for president or take over the world. It's his way of controlling me. When I even think back to this fall semester and fitting in a part-time job to keep my benefits and the time that took out of my schedule- I don't even remember how I did it. There are a lot of moments that my friends and family tell me about and I have no recollection of from when I was in the hospital. It's sad when you have to be told of events that you were present for but have no memory of still.

I've got an Internship at a really cool Pregnancy Center downtown starting this summer, but I'm doing all of the training for it now and I will start seeing clients in July after a class ends that I want to take. I'm almost done with my immersion project for my social-cultural class with the homosexual population, and I've really learned a lot. I think from both of these experiences and maybe others, God is pushing me outside of what I considered safe and having to consider other options but keep my values and beliefs strong in the midst of it. I'm learning a lot of balance and what I believe by being challenged by other beliefs that are different from my own, and I think that's a good thing. Who knew growing and changing this much in Seminary was possible?! It might be a crazy life, but it's one that I'm thankful for yet the same. And those are my thoughts on a late Sunday night :)

Love,
Amy Christine

Migraine Preventative Diet

I went gluten-free almost 4 weeks ago (trust me- it's pretty much in everything), but didn't feel any better doing it and even had to go to the ER once with a terrrible migraine so I didn't think the diet was working. On Friday, I got my blood tested to actually see if I'm gluten intolerant, but since I didn't feel any better, I think I already know the results. This weekend I started the "Heal Your Headaches- the 1-2-3 program diet" http://headache-trigger-diet.ning.com/ because Doug (the father of the family I'm living with) gave me the book years ago and I've become desperate enough to attempt at finally controlling them. The diet consists of eliminating everything that might be a trigger (including most alcohols, fresh pastries, yogurt, caffeine, raspberries, processed foods, yeast, tomatoes, nuts and nut butters, pretty much EVERYTHING I survive on...) so shopping on a budget has forced me to become creative. After about 3 weeks, you can add something back in, and make it "the tomatos" week and see if that's actually a trigger. I'm reading labels left and right, throwing together casseroles and buying veggies to take with me when I run errands like I used to do with nuts... But if it means controling these buggers, it shoud be worth it. THere are triggers I know I can't control- like barometric pressure or stress, but if I can eliminate food triggers, that should be a good start. I hope we can finally figure it out! Hopefully at least! :)
I've been getting lot's of tests run to see what's going on with me (I promise- it's NOT all in my head- I'm literally in constant pain) and thanks to all of you wonderful people that donated when I was in the hospital, I can go have these tests run and hopefully eventually see what's wrong with my body. My mom made a good point that even the negative test results are narrowing down what's going on within me, even if it dampens my spirits. Not that I want something serious, but at least I would have an answer. I'm so sick of being a medical anomaly- I just want answers already. What 28 year old has a stroke and the medical community can't find out what's wrong? Last week I went to a pain clinic out near where I've been doing my contract data-entry job, and they specialize in pain management. Again, without that money from when I was in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to even visit these doctors or have these tests run. I should find out tomorrow or the next day what sort of plan these clinic has for me and the test results from my blood work. For now, I just sigh, knowing that I have 4 more weeks of school, I'm living with a great family that I appreciate so much, and 8 weeks until I go back to the Midwest to see my family and my best friend Hilary. My saying for "this season" continues to be "IT IS WHAT IT IS". There's nothing that I can do to change my circumstances, so worrying about things isn't going to make it any better. And those are my random thoughts for this evening! Thanks for continuing to follow along with me!
Love,
Amy Christine

Called out

Correction from previous post: I only said SOME of the people that I value most are 2000+ miles away, and they know who they are. I've become very close with some extremely special people here in my life that without the stroke, I probably wouldn't be as close to. The stroke has given me the opportunity to depend upon others and that hasn't been easy for me. Never has been. Although the inconsistency and transitions haven't been easy on me, and I'm currently living out of boxes and my car while I move AGAIN (4th time in 9 months- over-rated!), I've learned to adjust to my new surroundings here (whatever they might be at the current time) and just deal with it. A close friend pointed out my earlier blog and how it may have come across like I didn't value the amazing people that I have around me here in CO and have walked with me through this for over a year, and if you did read it that way, THAT WASN'T MY INTENT and I'm really sorry! I know I'm lucky to be here, and the people that are still walking with me are immensely special and close to me. I think I wrote that entry when I was just frustrated not knowing how to get in touch with friends when phone calls or emails go unanswered. So from here on out, I'll re-read my entries and make sure there aren't those things that could be misread- and if you do take something the wrong way- call me out! I don't want to offend anyone! But maybe that's just my ESFJ coming out :)

I've had a migraine headache since last Thursday, and lost my vision, balance and felt really sick to my stomach on Saturday morning (very similar to the stroke symptoms I experienced a year ago). I hated doing it, but I had to go wake up Doug and Sheri and tell them that I wasn't feeling well and that I thought I needed to go into the ER to get things checked out. Turns out the doctor who saw me was the same doctor who admitted me when I had the stroke. Great guy, and I started bawling in his presence when he told me that. They gave me medications through an IV, and it started to subside, but it comes back at night or when I wake up in the mornings. It's so frustrating when you just want a doctor to be on call or call something in for me when I get like this, but instead, I get to read for class or move while in intense pain. I'm so tired of my body trying to rebel against me. I told a close friend last week that I'm tired of being the expert on medical anomaly stuff- that's been true of me ever since I got lot's of skin rashes in Africa in 2005. I'm tired of my head just always being in pain and there not being a reason for it. And this isn't a plea for your pity- just me venting about how it's not fair. Maybe Jesus will show me some reasons why when I get there? The same friend also made me start a journal of things that I'm thankful for the stroke for. Things might not be fair right now, but it did help me slow down, appreciate the people around me for who they really are, and have the chance to really soak up school- if if I complain about it a lot. It's difficult to look at an event that I'm still not sure WHY it happened, but to look for the blessings that have come from it instead. It's a good exercise in looking for the good that can be found in it and what else Jesus might have in mind to do. It's a good thing for me to look for at this point and season. And those are my thoughts on a random Monday during my transition ;)