I had one of the most exhilarating thoughts as I was driving today- it hit me as I was driving with the windows down (man, I love Spring!) that I've got a lot of my independence back. It's been over a year since I could drive around on MY time schedule, not ask OTHER people for rides places, not plan around when OTHER people are going places, or plan my routes around the irregular public transportation system, but I can just go to the store to pick something up now because I want to. Gosh, that feels good. It almost brings me to tears, because I've missed it sooo much. It's been great having other people be willing to take me places and such, but just to go run errands when I have time and on my schedule feels so liberating again.
I've been having random brain farts lately, and Sheri (the wife of the family I'm living with who also had a stoke back in 2004) and I have had to look at those instances and think to ourselves "would we have done this before the stroke or not?" On Friday, I thought it was Saturday all day, even on my way to work- which isn't even open on the weekend. I even sent a text to my classmates telling them that I was praying for them, thinking that they were taking this massive test- only to be corrected by one who told me that the test was actually the next day. These kind of moments happen EVERY day about everything, and several people have told me that it happens to them all of the time too, but I just have an excuse of the stroke. That being said, it's still frustrating. I just want my mind to work properly ALL THE TIME. I'm in graduate school- knowing what day it is shouldn't be this hard.
Sheri refers to the time before her stroke as 'the dark years', and in a lot of ways, my life pre-stroke was pretty dark, not that afterward has been all rosy either. It's just these migraines are so debilitating, and I went to a pain management clinic a few weeks ago, and cried when the doctor asked me about my pain. I don't even know what normal feels like anymore. My 'normal' is a daily headache- and I've just learned to do school or other things with it because there are things that I want to accomplish still. If I just laid down every time my head hurt, I'd probably never get up. I should start going to rehabilitation sessions at that clinic after I get back from visiting my family over Memorial day. A friend joked that God probably gave me the migraines, because without them, he knew that I would try and run for president or take over the world. It's his way of controlling me. When I even think back to this fall semester and fitting in a part-time job to keep my benefits and the time that took out of my schedule- I don't even remember how I did it. There are a lot of moments that my friends and family tell me about and I have no recollection of from when I was in the hospital. It's sad when you have to be told of events that you were present for but have no memory of still.
I've got an Internship at a really cool Pregnancy Center downtown starting this summer, but I'm doing all of the training for it now and I will start seeing clients in July after a class ends that I want to take. I'm almost done with my immersion project for my social-cultural class with the homosexual population, and I've really learned a lot. I think from both of these experiences and maybe others, God is pushing me outside of what I considered safe and having to consider other options but keep my values and beliefs strong in the midst of it. I'm learning a lot of balance and what I believe by being challenged by other beliefs that are different from my own, and I think that's a good thing. Who knew growing and changing this much in Seminary was possible?! It might be a crazy life, but it's one that I'm thankful for yet the same. And those are my thoughts on a late Sunday night :)
Love,
Amy Christine
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